Relapse

[The_Doc]

Relapse

 

Help!! I thought I was doing so well, really felt like I had entered a new phase of the 'grieving/healing' process over the psat 4-5 days and then WHAM the pain, anger, depression and sorrow hit me like a wave again last night.

 

For those of you who have been following my threads you will know that I haven't had a prolonged period of NC with my ex. Far from it. Up until this week she initiated quite a bit of contact, there used to be weekly phone calls of around 20-30 minutes, the occasional 'brief' call to me at work, instant message exchanges and as recently as last Saturday a fairly long and drawn out exchange of text messages. There have always been periods where she dropped off the proverbial 'radar' but something has changed. We haven't spoken at length for almost two weeks now and the short call I received last Friday was only because she 'wanted my help' with something – and she wasn't warm and affectionate like she used to be.

 

I miss the calls… I miss the contact. I did for once resist sending her an SMS last night when I was in a particularly low and vulnerable moment, even though if I had asked her to call me she probably would have. She has maintained from the beginning of the break-up that she wanted to remain close, even 'special' friends but I always expected that this would not happen and that I would eventually become no more than just another of her friends in this city. She is not even being particularly friendly at the moment. I mean I have been there for her but she is never there for me.

 

One thing that kept swirling around my mind this morning was the night after the break-up. I had gone back to our home for the weekend and that is when she did it. However I didn't simply 'pack-up' and go straight away. Anyway that night we slept together (we didn't have sex) in each others arms. When I got upset she pulled me close, held me, comforted me, kissed me. I kept telling her that I didn't want the night to end because it would be the last time we had this intimacy. But what really made me angry this morning was 'how could she do that'. How could she displax such warmth, such affection, be so intimate towards me 'after' she had told me that we were 'over' – then it felt like tenderness now it feels cruel and malicious. And then there is the fact that less than 12 hours before she told me it was over and that she wasn't 'in love' with me anymore, she was telling me that she really loved me!!!

 

The peace of mind I have had the last few days has been a welcome relief. Not to have been 'obsessing' about her 24/7 not waking up thinking of her, not dreaming of her. But it came back… I'm just so emotionally tired and drained by all this… as its only been 9 ½ weeks I know that there is probably a lot more of this to come.

 

Desperate for some words of encouragement and kindness all….

[fIIsion]

Your ex is very simliar to mine in many ways.

Post-break up, she displayed warmth and frost. I would imagine that there are a lot of mixed feeings, guilt, loss, saddness, its maybe their way of comforting you, relieving the guilt. Then they suddenly realise why they broke up with you, perhaps realise that they are giving out mixed feelings and become cold.

 

Like yourself, just when I think I'm starting to get a hang of myself, the pain hits me like a wave, even getting panic attacks.

 

Its easy to tell you this, but I'm going through it as well, you have got to be strong, it helps me to focus on the negative character traits of my ex, I tell myself that she will find it difficult to find another man who could cope with her emotional baggage.

I'm in week 3 of N/C, sometimes i have to fight the urge to call her, but know if I do call her, i'll be back to sq 1.

 

I wish you well.

[overtheedge]

I've been through the same thing when I think about the days surrounding the breakup. I went out for dinner with her family the night before she broke my heart and she told me what she was getting me for Christmas and that we should go buy the car we had planned on getting the following Monday. Had she already made up her mind, or was she still unsure. She told me that night that she loved me. The next day she told me that she was not in love with me anymore.

 

I talked to her tonight and it brought back past feelings. I read a letter she gave me 6 weeks before this happened. In it she professed that she would always love me, no matter what happened in our lives. That she never thought she could love anyone as much as she loves me. When she broke up with me she told me that her way of thinking about the relationship had changed.

 

She has been getting in contact with me more and more and things are still the same. We can connect on an emotional level without any effort, just like always. She told me that the spark is gone. Well it lasted for probably the first 3 1/2 years of the relationship. With everyday that passes, I can feel her slipping further and further away, but the good memories haunting me more and more.

 

There isn't really anything that anyone can say to make things better Doc. I pray that I can either get her back or move on. I know all of the so called strategies say to do things a certain way, but I've decided that I do not want to do things that way. I am going to be 100% open and honest with her and let her know exactly how I feel about everything. She is the type of person who will appreciate that. I do not expect it to get her back. Basically I just want her to think about things with an open mind, because I have forced myself to do just that. I can now see her point of view and I have realized that this was for the best. The only thing that I will ever regret is not trying to work things out. That is what I have to make her see.

[Wimpy]

I posted something similar last night as I find it hard to believe people can be so cruel.

 

I'm into week 11 of NC and I've had a major relapse this week as the disbelief and "how could he" and "why" questions come flooding into my head.

 

It will pass. I'd say that yours is probably worse because you've been keeping in contact - I don't think that really allows you to heal. I know it's tough for me as there's been NC on my part or his (not sure how strong I'd be if he DID contact me so can't say) but I know that I've had real urges to contact him even though I can never forgive him for what he did to me and the manner in which he did it - you can't switch off emotions like a tap - it will take time.

 

Keep strong....

[The_Doc]

Thanks Wimpy and everyone else

 

Its been hard to go NC for all the reasons everyone else finds it tough. What has made it almost impossible is that at least until 2 weeks ago (week 7) and this week (week 9) she initiated probably 85% of the contact. Week 8 and this week she went (has gone) very, very quiet.

 

Added to this is the fact that she didn't betray me, cheat on me, leave me for someone else etc etc its hard to be angry for long, just a really strong feeling of sadness and disappointment at the fact that people will dispose of things so easily today. Does anyone try anymore to fix things? Or is relationship counselling just passe?

 

Like I said despite the downer I am proud that I didn't fire off an 'I miss you' SMS last night when I was at my lowest but resisted the urge to contact her.

[starion]

Other people have addressed a lot of things.

I will try to address the sudden feeling of sadness after 4-5 days of being better.

She didn't initiate contact like she always did. Even if you didn't expect it, deep inside you were waiting for that contact, even if you didn't realize it.

Whether you know it or not you are waiting for that contact, for that talk, for that something, some line to her, some line of hope. You talk, you feel a little better. Hopefully you will start having 4-5 day stretches of somewhat better state of mind without her calls