The ex sent flowers...

[freeindeed]

...and I'm not quite sure what to do now. He sent them last week, and they're beautiful and I'm scared that the little part of me that still cares about him might fall for this. It's hard to forget about the bad times (which is a good thing, because it kept me from calling him when I first got them), but then there's the part of me that likes this "nice" side to him. And ofcourse there's the thought that maybe he changed. I'm not quite sure what to do...I still haven't called him, but I did send him an e-mail simply thanking him for the gesture (that's all, there was no "how are you?" or anything like that)....

 

I just don't want to go back to the pain all over again...

[reflectionlessmirror]

wow that is very hard. I thinkthe email was a good idea cause that way you didnt have to see/here him. If you really know you dont want him back then leave it alone. I am in a similar situation (havent gotten flowers though ) and i am trying to remember that people dont change. If my ex and i got back together we would end up withthe same argumnets and troubles as before.

[kazman32]

I have to disagree,pepole can change if they truly want.But it takes alot of will and effort.I was a mess when me and my ex broke up several months ago (I'm bi-polar)I was suffering from severe depression,wasn't taking my meds,was just a very sad person and I knew it brought my ex and her son down.I got back on meds months ago and realized how much of a mistake I made,I was no longer numb from the depression and realized the feelings I have for my ex.I have dedicated myself 100% to getting better.I take my meds as I am supposed to,go to weekley counsling,I am exercising and eating right again.When my ex saw me again she was shocked at the changes I have made.I have a new will to live and am getting my life in order.Her parents said the same thing"he has truly changed so much"I know I can live without my ex,but I would like to work things out if possible.So in my opinion if a person truly wants to change and dedicates themself 100% and really works at it It can be done.I am proof.I was an absolute mess a few months ago!I am happy,confident,and making great progress in my life.

[freeindeed]

Kazman, I believe that you have changed. Unfortunately, my ex has shown me this "sweet" side of him whenever he feels like he's losing me, or he just plain misses me. Then after a couple of days back together, he'll take me for granted, and it will just be horrible. Even with this email I just sent him....if he really wanted to talk to me, truly wanted me back, would he wait this long to write back? I know he must have already read it. If he truly wants me back, shouldn't he atleast just write, "you're welcome" or "how are you?" That's why I'm very hesitant about it.

[kazman32]

Yes,it sounds like he is taking you for granted big time!I made the same mistake with my ex and when I lost her and she started a long distance relationship with a highschool friend.I realized how bad I had messed up we are spending time together as friendsand I cherish every moment I spend with her and her son,taking someone for granted is a horrible thing,Thinking they will "always" be there.and then one day there not.ouch..I hope things work out for you whatever you decide!

[reflectionlessmirror]

Ithink the differnece here is that KAz wanted to change for himself, in which change is always possible. However, if a man was a jerk when you were dating once, he will be a jerk when you get back together. My ex also did the nice guy routine when i was mad at him and then the a**wipe came back within a week!

[freeindeed]

Yeah, it's so difficult especially because the note he wrote with the flowers was kinda cute and pretty uncharacteristic of him. But just the fact that he hasn't written me back (and I know I may be jumping to conclusions, but I think that I only have his treatment in the past as a gauge) shows that he really isn't going to change. That I'm always going to be "put last" in his life, that he really isn't going to "work on" anything within himself any time soon.

 

I really have to come back to reality and realize, he was lonely and sad FOR A MOMENT. He sent me those flowers and now his life is back to where it's ALWAYS been. On himself. He was always very self-centered....

[reflectionlessmirror]

Jeez your ex sounds alot like mine. you need to continue NC and move on and forget about him. You flowers were like a message i receieved from my ex jerk when he was up north. He broke NC to call me from up north at 2:22 inteh morning to say that he was looking at the stars and thinking of me. I was flattered and the message was cute, then i realized "It is saturday night, he is drunk buy the campfire and thinking about me...probably wondering if i was out with some other guy" jelous jerk. isaved the message but i am not about to call him.

[suprema99]

If the bad outweighs the good, forget about it. Reason, the same stuff will happen eventually again. Some people just don't mix together. Try to think about it like that. This really applies if say this kinda stuff happened alot. If it only happened one time then maybe there's hope goodluck

[freeindeed]

Thanks for all of your support and advice. I appreciate it. I'm just gonna let this go, because you're right, it's not like it was a one time thing...he's always been this way, and we've ALWAYS fought, and it's never going to work out. I sent him the email and he hasn't written back and that's okay. My life will go on I guess it just kinda threw me for a second, especially because I've been feeling pretty strong (even met some great people)...and just made me miss him for a second. But I think I'm okay now. I remember what a jerk he was..... ah yes, everything's gonna be okay

[heartbroken23]

I am tired of people sayign that people CANNOT change. Of course people can change for the beter. Just because people argued or fought in a relationship and then broke up, does not mean that it will happen again. i have seen plenty of instances of people breaking up "he'll never change, she'll never change" and guess what, they are happier than ever. I don't htink people should make the generalization that "people can't change" because that is not necessarily true.

[freeindeed]

I don't think anyone here is saying that people can't change at all, 'cuz that's obviously not true. No one here is the same EXACT person they were 5 years ago, nor will they be the same EXACT person 5 years from now. What we are saying is that if there's a certain track record that shows how a person has acted in a relationship, there's no other way to measure how they're going to continue to act other than what you've seen in the past. Ofcourse there are people who break up and change for the better (or sometimes worse), and we can't judge them on their past.

 

I just know with my relationship, we have broken up and gotten back together so many times that the situation will not change unless something miraculous happens and we both get brand new personalities that mesh very well together. All the ups and downs have shown me that we just can't be together anymore, so it's not that he can't ever ever change, but the fact is that he won't change his certain ways while he's with me, so why should I put myself through hell.

 

I know I just went on a bit of a ramble, but I just had to vent a little (nothing towards you heartbroken23!) Don't take it personally.

[heartbroken23]

Hey no offense taken...I was just venting too.

[The_Doc]

I think people can change BUT

 

They can and will only change if THEY want to... AND

 

There is nothing you can do to change someone...

 

In fact pressurising someone to change only creates conflicts and makes them defensive, I have realised that this is one of the main reasons for the break-up of my relationship with my ex. I pressurised her and pushed her to make major changes in her life for us and she didn't.

 

The ironic thing now is that she now finally appears to be realising that she needs to get the work-life balance right and is doing something about it -- precisely what I pressurised her to do for 9 months.

 

A sober lesson to learn