Is it possible to get wost before it is better?

[amIdreaming]

Hello everyone,

I have been in this forum for about 3 months reading the posts from others in a similar situation to mine. My girlfriend of 6 1/2 years broke up with me about 11 weeks ago. It has been with no doubt the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Some of my days have been so dark that I have sought Professional help. There has been NC from either one of us since the day of the Break up. I am in total disbelief that someone can be apart of your life for 6+ years, break your heart and then not look back.

 

So is it normal for things to get worse for me before they get better. The cause of the break up was mainly becauseof a 2 year LDR. She could not take it anymore. I had given my 2 weeks at my job and began preperatipns to move and she ended it with the typical statements I don't love you anymore, I am not excited to see you, I am not attracted, etc.

 

Can someone please give me some insight. I can longer function in this deppression. She truly is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know from reading past posts that if she left it is as simple as she does not want to be with me anymore. But I just can't seem to let go.

Could someone please wake me from this terribe dream........

[Mr Meh]

The first while is always brutal in my experience. It really is a matter of making a conscious effort to move on and not spend all your time dwelling on the reasons for the break-up: what went wrong, how you could have done something differently - in other words don't beat yourself up too bad. As hard as it is to believe, there will come days when you will think of her less and less; there will be a day when this pain is not the first thing you think of when you wake up. Getting there is going to be hard and sad, but you will get there. It does take some effort to not dwell and wait for it to go away on its own.

[starion]

unfortunately there is no instant cure, unless you get some sedatives

i am dealing with depression, don't know the right way or the wrong way, but i am losing

may have to start taking some meds.

i don't know if you have hit rock bottom, hard to say.

after 11 weeks, i would say that yes you did, so things should be pickig up now espcially with some professional help.

man, i wish i had the words to help but i don't.

the only certain thing is time so please believe that it will pass, it will, that i can guarantee, but when that i cannot tell you.

if you help yourself(i am unable to do that) it will be faster.

by helping yourself i mean two things:

throw away everything that reminds you of her(that i can do)

try to alter you way of thinking about it(this i am unable to do)

As far as this being a terrible dream and how can she just leave like that I have a theory. It is a terrible dream for you, but she didn't do just out of the impulse. She has been thinking about it for a while, probably got interested in someone else, started to spend time, even if just friendly.

It has probably went on for a while.

 

The timing strikes me. Just before you were ready to move she dumps !!!

Why not a week before? I am sure she knew what was up a week before.

She could have at least saved you the trouble about 2 week notice.

[heloladies21]

3 months after 6 1/2 years? Nobody can recover that fast (only if you found someone else you truly fall for, but it usually turns into a rebound). Have you been talking to other chicks, been to the gym, concentrated on school/work, any kind of activity to get your mind off of her? This is the best way to keep things at bay until her memory starts to fade.

 

Make sure you take care of yourself.

[caveat]

Hi,

 

I am truly sorry to hear that you are having to go through what you are going through. I was in a very similar position about a year and a half ago and I know how difficult the first few months are. As to your question of whether it can get worse before it gets better the answer is yes...if you let it.

 

The first few months were frickin' brutal for me and even now it still is painful, but it does get better little by little. You need to be patient with yourself and give this thing TIME. You have made it 3 months without contact...that is AWESOME. Going from a serious, every day relationship to nothing is like being addicted to a drug and going cold turkey. That you have made it this far without breaking down and trying to pull her back into your life is a sign of your strength (as you have seen from this site, most people tend to call, write, etc. their ex in the hopes that doing so will undo what has been done). GOOD JOB!

 

Its going to take a long while for the pain to stop and you will have your rough days, but you have to keep moving forward. Of utmost importance is taking care of yourself and focusing your energy and time on yourself rather than trying to resurrect the relationship or examining what happened with the relationship. There will be plenty of time to do that later once you have pulled yourself back up on your feet.

 

If you have spent 3 months on this site then you have seen a common theme regarding what you need to do right now to make sure you don't allow this thing to get the better of you. Surround yourself with friends and family and lean on them for support. They will be there for you. Do not close yourself off from the world. Get out there and socialize, even if you feel like you are just going through the motions. Trust me on this. You need to be around people right now.

 

EXERCISE,EXERCISE,EXCERCISE. And when you are done exercising, exercise some more. Excercise has been my savior and it has led to a lot of exciting new opportunities (not to mention several dates). You'll look better and feel better about yourself while also tiring yourself out, leaving less time and energy to wallow...

 

Spoil yourself. Take a trip, buy a new wardrobe, get that new toy you have been telling yourself you shouldn't buy.

 

And perhaps this change of job/career is timed perfectly! What better way to kickstart a new chapter of your life than to point your energies in a whole new direction. And who says it has to be career-focused right away? Ever thought about what it would be like working in a foreign country at a beach resort? Or working in the Peace Corps for a year? Or being a bartender at some swanky high-end New York bar? Or.... You get the point I think. This could be a great opportunity for you to really expand yourself and at age 29 you couldn't ask for a better time in your life to be single.

 

I know it sucks, but you really have to focus on recreating your life without her and once you start doing that I think you'll begin to realize that there are so many more opportunities to do things and go places as a single guy then there are as a quasi-married guy.....

 

Take care,

Caveat

[PlayBrat]

Caveat is right in everything he said in his post...follow his advice...

he's a smart "cat"...lol

By the way Caveat...how have things progressed? I have not seen an update on your posts lately.

[amIdreaming]

Thank you so much for all of the incredible advice. Its feels good to have others in my corner.

 

It seems my problems are very deep rooted and it may take some time to sift through all of it. I miss her so much. There is so much that went unsaid, so many things that I had dreamed to do with her. I really felt that I was doing all of the right things. Constantly expressing my love, focusing on myself while we were apart so that I would be a better person when we where together, not to mention never cheating on her. We where 9 hours away(I'm in Atlanta she is in Florida.) The distance proved to be too much. I thought love was all that was needed. It will take me a very long time to even think about another relationship. I gave just about everything that I had and that still was not enough. Trusting my heart to someone again seems impossible.

 

I don't have the strength to ever see or hear her voice again. I can't even bear to hear her name. We have so many mutual friends that have been great during this dark time. But I can not help but feel like a charity case.

 

My plan was to move to Florida and Propose to her. The Ring was already purchased. I am so redy for marriage and kids. To start from scratch with a stranger seems almost overwhelming.

 

Sorry to go on and on. I am just so lost. So unhappy. And so hurt.

I have always been a positive, driven, energetic, fun-loving person. But I feel that person died with my relationship......

[caveat]

My friend, if you can do it, I think you should try to go somewhere where there is a beach, lots of sun and lots of gorgeous waitresses bringing you beers as you lounge poolside resting up for the big party that night.

 

If thats not your happy place then take a trip somewhere you can get away and process things. Here is a big tip: you bought the ring? Sell it! And use the cash to spoil YOURSELF! If things work out with her in the long run you can always by another, but right now its ALL ABOUT YOU.

 

About 2 months after my breakup I decided to head to Hawaii for a vacation that the ex and I were supposed to go on together. I was a bit nervous about going alone, but that nervousness evaporated pretty quickly. I also went over there with a mission: to learn how to kiteboard and to spend as much time in the water as possible. Looking back, that trip really kicked off an incredible year and a half and I'm still going strong.

 

You are going to feel like a zombie for awhile and those thoughts of doom and gloom are not going to go away over night, but you have to put up your fists and start giving as good as you are getting. Don't accept feeling like crap. Fight it at every opportunity. And the way you fight it is to rebuild YOUR life rather than try to sift through the fragments of your relationship with the intention of piecing it back together. If you and your ex end up back together at some point it will have to be a new relationship and you want to make sure that YOU are in a position to dictate what YOU need. To do that, you need to build yourself back up. Consider that your mission...and know that you are doing it for YOU, not for her, not for the hope of reconciliation. For YOU.

 

Its obvious that you are someone who under normal circumstances has a pretty good head on his shoulders and is not one to let life beat you down. Well, guess what? Life just slapped you in the face and said it wants to make you its little b*tch. Its time to get a bit angry (not at her, or at life) and step up to the challenge. You can do this, all you have to do is for you to WANT to feel better and be willing to work at it.

 

Write all your frustrations out here, lean on the people in this forum. They won't disappoint you. But in parallel with that, start rebuilding the areas in your life that you need to have in place to have a balanced life. That means getting reconnected socially, getting your body healthy, setting some new and exciting goals, jumping into hobbies that you think might be interesting, etc. You need to do what you have to do to make you feel good about yourself and not allow anything to get in the way of it.

 

Its going to be very difficult, I know, and sometimes it will feel like you are only going through the motions and that your interest is merely contrived, but that is normal and it will pass.

 

Hang in there.

 

Caveat

 

p.s. Playbrat, You busted me. I haven't posted in quite some time and its nice to see that there are some folks out there who are still wondering about the next episode of the Caveat soap opera. Well, its good and bad which means its pretty much the same! But at least I can laugh about it! I promise I'll update soon...its a good time to do it because there have been some pretty good sized bumps in the road lately and boy is she taking me for a ride!

[amIdreaming]

Cav you are the man.

 

The advice you have given is so damn relevant. As far as getting away, it is already in motion. I just don't know where just yet. Italy, Spain, Brazil, maybe Costa Rica. The world is my oyster. My boss let me stay with my Company after the break up so I have been busting my butt at work. Employee/top sales rep of the month 2 months in a row!! Don't ask me how. And as far as exercise, one of my passions is fitness so the six pack is already diced and ready for the beach!!!

 

I just need to get out of this mental prison that I am sitting in. It is like the door is open but I refuse just to walk out to my freedom. I think I am just afraid to let go. I have never loved anyone as much as my ex. In my mind she was my pefect woman. I have been out of the game for 6 years. Dealing with the dating scene just seems like way to much effort at this time. I have been out a few times but I am embarrassed to say that I just crushes me inside though I seem to be fine on the outside.

 

Sitting on a deserted Beach with my i-pod and some cold brew hahs soaking up some rays seems like just what the doctor ordered. Ok and maybe some easy chatting with some beautiful locals would not be to bad either.

 

Thanks again for the support and I will keep you updated.

 

 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Its our light not out darkness which most frightens us."

 

Marianne Williamson

[fIIsion]

Sharing your pains and thoughts, another 6+ relationship bits the dust, and just like in my case, she fell out of love as well.

 

Somebody on here said that relationships seem to get tested at around the 6 year mark. Don't know if my ex got cold feet, found someone else, or needs to discover herself.

It doesn't matter at the end of the day, what matters is that they dumped us, basically they don't want to be with us anymore.

 

I admire your strength to go 3 months of N/C, I tried the friends route for about 2 months, before realising that it was causing me more hurt.

And initally the pain was intense, that emptyness in your stomach, I even started to get panic attacks, felt so lonely.

I have been improving, going to the gym, reading new books, planning trips abroad, but the best medicine so far is to be around your friends and family, the people who truly care about you.

 

Do I feel bitter.............you bet, but I'm not going to let this bring me down.

[starion]

amIdreaming,

 

you are making a lot more progress than you think.

[amIdreaming]

FIISON,

 

Hey man I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. I would not wish this pain on anyone. This drama is so exhausting, so draining.

You do sound as if you have a firm hold on your situation. Just keep your head up, keep up the NC, and continue to use this time to grow and fully experience life.

 

After 6 years I am sure you where just as madly in love as I was. For the first time in my life everything started to really take shape in my mind. The Wedding, honeymoon, kids, the house, you know all of the things that society feels should be going through the mind of someone our age. Well after my heart was pulled from my chest and tossed into the trash heap with the rest of the Rubbish, my perspective has changed. I know that I am a man who values marriage, loves children, and is looking forward to the next step in life. So now the focus is completely on myself, my growth, my dreams, and my happiness. In the end what matters most is your love and happiness with yourself. I lost my identity in my past relationship. I let her insecurities, selfishness, and past relationships change me into someone that I am not happy with. That will never happen again.

 

I have a strong belief that people fall in and out of love as relationships progress. The Honeymoon fades with time. It is only natural because people change and grow. The key is to recognize that and to allow and support that growth. Running to another relationship with out this realization seems like a self defeating effort. A commitment is work and will always be just that.

 

Sorry to ramble on!! It is just very theraputic to put your thoughts down and not keep them bouncing around in your heart and mind.

 

I hope things continue to progress for you. I wish I had all of the answers but this is a learn as you go situation for me as well.

 

Take care, Mind the Gap, and stay strong with the No Contact. She no longer deserves your kindness.

[Wimpy]

Hi AmIDreaming

 

I can understand a little bit of what you are going through. My ex and I were together a lot less time than you (2 years) but he was my first REAL love and I'm in my mid 30's ... I don't fall in love easily or trust my heart to people either...

 

Anyway, he returned to his country after studying here for his PhD...we agreed I'd visit in April to see how we were after 10 weeks apart and discuss our future. 10 days before I was due to travel he broke up with me in an e-mail but still wanted me to travel as his "good friend" YEAH RIGHT!

 

I lost out on all my money and got a completely broken heart in the process. I'd let this guy into my life, my heart and everything and was ready to give up everything and move with him anywhere he went in the world. He sent me the e-mail 10 weeks ago and apart from a reply I sent 2 weeks later basically telling him he'd never know how much he'd hurt and wounded me, I've heard nothing.

 

I, like you often wonder how someone could be that able to move on and not look back. It has been the blackest time of my life since my father died unexpectedly 6 years ago.

 

The whole dating thing seems too much trouble now - in the 2 years we were together we'd got to understand one another and how we were - I can't be bothered going through all that with someone else.

 

The advice on here about exercise is spot on but it took me til about 10 days ago to really get back to the gym with any enthusiasm. I had, I guess, to go down, down and further down, before I was able to start pullling myself back up. I still get very sad (only last night was I really down again about it all) but I'm trying to sort myself out. I've done quite a few things for ME in the past 10 weeks - ordered a new car, commissioned some work on the house - all things to divert my attentions.

 

However, the holiday idea is excellent. I went off to Antigua for a week last month with my eldest nephew with whom I have a great friendship. We sat on a beach in an all-inclusive resort and had a great time. I swam every day and just basically enjoyed being somewhere with NO connection back to the ex. It was hard to see other people all "loved up" but I worked through that. Although not actively thinking about it everyday it helped me gain some perspective.

 

I was only with him for 2 years and a year of that was as friends... and I think 10 weeks is really early days. Someone told me that it takes as long as the relationship lasted to fully get over it! Let's hope it's not THAT long but you are moving forward.

 

Keep us posted.....

[amIdreaming]

Wimpy,

 

Well you sure do not sound all that Wimpy to me! I am sorry to hear of you situation as well. At this point I am sure you have heard enough clichés and other advice to make your head spin. So I will save all of that and just let you know that right at this moment there are thousands and thousands of people going through the same situation that we are. I know that in itself does not offer a whole lot of comfort but what is to be taken from is that there is nothing wrong with you in this situation.

This is not about you. People will do what they need for themselves every time. Even if it means pushing people out of their lives.

I don't understand it either. But what I do now understand Wimpy is that no matter what we say or do, no matter how we desperately express our love, painting a picture of how wonderful things would be, we can not change how another feels. Only they can do that. Perhaps this ex of yours will realize just how precious of a gift that you were in his life and he should have held you in his arms and never let go. While this is a beautiful thought this is not reality and spending our time in the past, worrying about the future and beating our selves up with shoulda, coulda, wouldas, is a complete waste of our precious gift of life. Being present and in the moment is where true life happens. Everything else is imagined.

 

This is not easy. I am sorry to her about your father but the interesting thing is that though that was a difficult experience, the beauty and peace of mind is that there was finality. Living with the wonderful memories of him and what he meant to you hopefully gives you peace of mind. And he will always be with you in your heart. This relationship situation because there are still loose ends, emotions, what ifs, etc. is so much harder to deal with. With out closure there is continuance. It is up to you and I to find that closure and move on with our lives. If they want us back it will be on our terms not there's. We where confident in or commitments and they chose to look the other way. Who will you be if he returns? What growth will have taken place? Just like you this was my first true love. That alone should tell us something. What is it that we have learned? What will we do different in the future. As much as I do not want to even imagine myself with someone else, if I don't prepare myself for the possibility I may miss chance to have a Woman in my life who brings out the person in me that I know that I am. The one that inspires me and is everything that I thought my ex was and so much more. You deserve the same.

 

Please keep us posted with your progress and if you need to chat please PM me. Keep working out hard , expanding your mind and freeing your heart. This time is yours and yours alone. Thanks for the support.I have only been posting here for 1 day but I feel the wind slowly filling my sails....

 

By the way Antigua sounds like just what I need!

 

Take care,

amIdreaming?

[itry]

amIdreaming,

 

im so proud of u...and i dont even know u lol keep this site in "your favorites" it helps....

 

see u around the internet!!

[Wimpy]

I am sorry to her about your father but the interesting thing is that though that was a difficult experience, the beauty and peace of mind is that there was finality. Living with the wonderful memories of him and what he meant to you hopefully gives you peace of mind. And he will always be with you in your heart. This relationship situation because there are still loose ends, emotions, what ifs, etc. is so much harder to deal with. With out closure there is continuance. It is up to you and I to find that closure and move on with our lives.

 

Hey thanks - I agree with this 100%. I was away on holiday diving at the time he took ill and subsequently died so I never got back to say goodbye so it took a long time to get over that - but there was peace as nothing was left unfinished as it has been with my ex.

 

I was doing fine and then had a bit of a relapse this week again....I keep coming back to the same point "How could someone do this to another person".... it doesn't make sense and it HURTS but I can only take responsibility for my actions now. I know there will be temporary setbacks but in the long run I need to keep moving forward.

 

I've found this board really great and have had a lot of really positive help and comments from people.

 

Thanks for replying and being so understanding - I am now in a process of considering what I've learned from this experience and how (if ever it happens) I'll do things next time around - although the thought of that simply doesn't appeal at the moment.

 

And Antigua was brill - my little picture is a real-life sunset taken there!

 

THe carribbean is so beautiful and the holiday did me the world of good.

 

Take care

 

Wimpy (or maybe not so wimpy!!!! )