What to do with myself after break up

[Apple]

Well, Ive posted a lot about my non commital bf and i dont have to post anymore, we broke up after 19 months tonight...Im feeling really blue..What are the best suggestions for moving on from a long term serious relationship when you have no friends or family to comfort you? (Well only via phone that is).

[sidehop]

It's hard when you don't have someone close to talk to about & a family close by to cheer you up but you still have us right here

 

Sometimes it helps to list the things that you hated about him and be specific as to the person you want to find next time. Volunteering for community service...helping others in various needs, start a new hobby you might enjoy or have not had the time to look forward to...working out and enjoying yourself will definitely let heal things quicker.

 

Keep your head up I'm sure you'll find the happiness again you are looking for.

[russiansalsera]

Apple,

Don't despare. You WILL get over this. I can relate to your situation because I'm also alone in this country, and my boyfriend of 2 years also broke up with me 1 month ago. You will get through this, I promise.

 

Here are the things that helped me, so try them:

1) Use the opportunity of being single as a way to make new friends to compensate for lack of family and relatives.

 

The key is to turn the negatie situation into OPPORTUNITIES for growth and enrichment. This is your chance to expand what is called your "circle of influence". You will have to make an effort to reach out to new people, but it will pay off, you will see. Get in touch with all your existing friends whom you didn't get to spend as much time as you wanted/could while you were in a relationship.

 

2) Pour ALL your sad emotions and energy into something that you want to improve in. Use this negative energy and "blue" moods to become better in some hobby that you already have. If you don't have one, think about what it is that you've always you wanted to try but never had the chance to. If you still can't figure out exactly, pour it all into work and building up your career. (In my situation, I poured all my sadness and energy from anxiety into becoming a better salsa/mambo dancer. I now thank my bf for breaking up with me, because this gave me a chance to grow as a dancer, and there is nothing in the world at this moment that I love doing more than salsa/mambo.)

 

Doing this - learning new hobby, imporoving on something that you're doing already - will make you feel like you've accomplished something great, and thereforeeee will make you feel REALLY GOOD about yourself. That's exactly what you are looking for, because breakups have a tendency to lowe people's self image.

 

3) As soon as you feel blue, call one of your friends and vent to them about your sadness. If your friends are getting fed up with you , call one of the helpline free counseling lines.

 

4) Get LOTS of exercise. This releases your negative energy and produces endorphines, which affect the "happy" hormones. Try it - you'll see what I mean.

 

5) This is a repeat of step one, but it's very important that you approach this as a task. REACH OUT AND MAKE NEW FRIENDS. You will end up becoming close friends with maybe 1 of the 10 people you reach out to, but it will be worth it!

 

Good luck, write back how it goes.

[Apple]

Thank you. I have been working all night to think of something else. I know it was time for us to move on anyway, but I really feel lost. Those suggestions were pretty good, thank you. Ive been thinking of things to do but will i get my butt up and do them. I hope to see your posts again they were encoraging. I know I can do this!

[ecg1228]

I have been considering breaking up with my b/f of a year and a half. Ironically we just got back together a couple of weeks ago after breaking up a month ago over my imaginary trust issues. He packed up and left but now that we are dating and not living together his unavailability and his lack of attention are more pronounced. He is very passive in the relationship - I do more of the calling, the suggestions on going out. He wants this time for me to prove my trust in him so he wants to place a little distance. Now there is a twist in that I am beginning to see again the real holes in the relationship with his occasional indifference (which probably added to my trust issues). I know he loves me, but actions speak louder than words - I think he takes for granted the things I do for him and that I'll always be there. Love should be give and take in my opinion and I feel like I'm the one that is always giving. This was a problem before we moved in together but I guess it was masked a little more since we saw each other every day. The one thing that keeps me from breaking up with him is loneliness. My family lives down South and although I have great friends up here they have their own lives and I need someone everyday. He's my best friend and someone I did everything with. I still want us to work it out, but I'm getting skeptical. It helps to read these suggestions and be brave about breaking up with someone. Really, it can be a blessing having that "me" time - it can make you incredibly strong.

 

I have to say, that was really brave of you, Apple, knowing that the loneliness would be really hard. But you did what was right...it is better than being lonely IN a relationship and wasting time that could be used for yourself and eventually finding someone better for you.

[Apple]

Hi it's Apple,

Im not sure of how to contact people so I hope you receieve this. Thank you for your story. Today is the first day after the break up and I feel challanged, I communicated via email with my now ex. We just discussed being respectful to one another and not being ugly especially since our relationship wasnt all bad. He was not only my best friend but almost my only friend almost exactly like your situation.

But you would not believe that this guy I go to church with introduced himself to me today asked if he could email and we could try hanging out sometime. I was like Wow, a new friend right when I needed one. i cant possibly feel any intimate feelings since Im still hurting for my bf but he seems like a nice guy. i hope this encourages you. Im still afraid but I will be joining my old gym again and I am determined to find myself a book to read. Im an impatient reader (I get bored with it easily) but when I find a good book it takes me away from my own situation quite easily.

I figured since we both could use a friend and were looking at the computer for some people contact we could email sometime. I dont know how to give my info thou w/o everyone seeing it. So if someone else who reads this let me know.

TTU soon. Again "I know I can do this"

[russiansalsera]

Hi ecg1228.

RussianSalsera here again.... This is crazy, but your story sounds SO similar to mine. Except that we didn't get back together and didn't date while living separately. Everything else is the same - his indifference, passive behavior, being un-affectionate.

 

You will now like what I got to tell you, but it will help you, I think. In my opinion, you need to break up with him yourself. In my situation I was also lonely (no family, but tons of friends) and insecure. My ex made me feel less of a woman than I really am, and I loved him too much (or was needy to be loved? still sorting it out...) to leave first. The signs were THE SAME.

 

My suggestion to you is LEAVE HIM FIRST. It will be EXTREMELY difficult, but you will feel as such a STRONG woman for going that. Do not wait until his passive behavior will make you unhappy and miserable, and then he'll only distance himself more. Pull the bad tooth quickly, don't wait until it falls out piece by piece on its own.

 

Botoom line is - if he DESERVES you, he WILL come back to you and be active. If after you leave him he doesn't come back, then he was BAD for you, and DOESN"T DESERVE you. What you may want to do is tell him that you've been feeling that he's distancing himself, and that you are not happy with the way things are going. Tell him that right now you're going to give him space for 2 months and have NO CONTACT. If after 2 moths he feels like he wants to continue to be with you, HE NEEDS TO CALL you. In the meantime really prepare yourself to be on your own, girl.

 

Regarding being lonely - read my post to Apple. I can relate, as I am also in this country by myself. Being alone is something that you can fix. Try my suggestions to Apple about meeting new people, and I guarantee you will not feel lonely any more. Make new friends. Enjoy your femininity. Dress up hot, flirt with guys, and enjoy every second of your life. Life is short. The guy you're with is not worth your unhappinness, and he's not worthy of you.

 

Hope this all helps. Write back if you want more tips. This will not be easy, but if you put your mind/heart to it, you will see in 2 months the HUGE difference. Let me know how it goes.

[russiansalsera]

Apple,

Great job keeping up your head and your spirit!!! I am SO proud of you, girl. Now - be prepared that you will NEVER hear from you ex again. Mine talked a whole bunch of bs (pardon my french) about staying friends, but he ignores me in public. He did send me 4 e-mails which I ignored because they were demeaning and preaching about me being insecure.

 

If I understand your post correctly, it says that you would like to exchange e-mails? How about AOL Instant Messenger - do you have an account? Mine is RussianSalsera. We can chat live and exchange e-mails.

Let me know what you think and what else is going on. I certainly would love to have support myself while I'm getting through this break-up

 

Be prepared for bad days, but in 1 month you'll see the difference, I promise!!