The difference between a 'needed' and an 'important' person in my life

[sawinjo]

So, I say this purely from my experience and I know that maybe someone will disagree. I noticed one thing. The fact is that you will be dependent on a person who appeared in circumstances that made you need someone as soon as such circumstances are repeated. A person appeared when you desperately needed a human shoulder like a breath of air. Sometimes it doesn't lead to anything good, despite the help and support provided. Yes, you appreciate it, but you subconsciously expect more and more of them to be present every time something bad happens in your life. But in the case of the second person, it's different. This person appeared when you didn't seem to need anyone's help, because you were broken and knew that it was better to deal with problems on your own. But this person has shown you that they can take care of you from afar, guide you periodically, but not do all the work for you that you have to do. You don't depend on them, you don't demand them, you don't need them, but you know they're there. You can clearly see the difference. What do you think? Which version of 'person' would you prefer? 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, sawinjo said:

So, I say this purely from my experience and I know that maybe someone will disagree. I noticed one thing. The fact is that you will be dependent on a person who appeared in circumstances that made you need someone as soon as such circumstances are repeated. A person appeared when you desperately needed a human shoulder like a breath of air. Sometimes it doesn't lead to anything good, despite the help and support provided. Yes, you appreciate it, but you subconsciously expect more and more of them to be present every time something bad happens in your life. But in the case of the second person, it's different. This person appeared when you didn't seem to need anyone's help, because you were broken and knew that it was better to deal with problems on your own. But this person has shown you that they can take care of you from afar, guide you periodically, but not do all the work for you that you have to do. You don't depend on them, you don't demand them, you don't need them, but you know they're there. You can clearly see the difference. What do you think? Which version of 'person' would you prefer? 

Neither person.  I don't think what you wrote is a fact at all -it's an opinion.  I avoid adult relationships based on need to that extent. Sure people need each other to an extent but you're talking about relationships based initially on one person who is needy based on bad circumstances and other person whose main role is either to help at the time of need or who is there while the first person is "broken" -a broken person likely is not a good candidate to form a new close friendship especially if the person either is really needy-your first example.  In the second example the person is acting in a more independent way but recognizes he or she is "broken"  -so knowing someone is "there if you need them" and that is their main purpose in your life -that's not a healthy adult relationship either.

 

[smackie9]

Trauma bonding and white knight syndrome are both codependent style relationships....bad.