Jaunty Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 Another thing about awkwardness - if you're with someone compatible, you will both be ok with the silences. It won't feel weird. Somebody else mentioned extreme attraction (which I think is probably sexual tension) which rendered them incapable of speech - that is not the same thing as two people simply being unable to connect in any way other than physically. Also I suspect, because of a couple of your posts, that you expect "good communication" to be "relationship talk." I would like to (again) caution against this. Check-ins, "is something wrong," "are you OKAY" are relationship killers. Sometimes these things need to be brought up but mostly, individuals need to be left alone to process and will talk about THE RELATIONSHIP when and if they feel they need to. 1 1 Link to comment
Jaunty Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 What's your take on how you have had a similar trajectory with 3 different guys within the span of less than one month? Each of these fellows, evidently, was acceptable for the role of "boyfriend" for you even before you knew them at all. Why is that? 1 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said: I thought that maybe it would bring us closer? It did bring you closer. You mentioned when you're home relaxing he's he's very affectionate and very caring and affectionate with regard to intimacy. I think you're just misdiagnosing the problem that constant chatter is good or desired or something. He's fine with you in person and when you're alone together. Are you from different cultures? There are some cultures where incessant small talk is rude and annoying, there are other cultures where it's sort of expected to have "the gift of gab". 1 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 1 minute ago, Jaunty said: What's your take on how you have had a similar trajectory with 3 different guys within the span of less than one month? Each of these fellows, evidently, was acceptable for the role of "boyfriend" for you even before you knew them at all. Why is that? You mean why I keep thinking that a guy I barely know is ideal to be my boyfriend? I haven't had a relationship before so it's difficult for me to understand when is the right time to get official with someone or what are the signs that someone is great to be my boyfriend. Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It did bring you closer. You mentioned when you're home relaxing he's he's very affectionate and very caring and affectionate with regard to intimacy. I think you're just misdiagnosing the problem that constant chatter is good or desired or something. He's fine with you in person and when you're alone together. Are you from different cultures? There are some cultures where incessant small talk is rude and annoying, there are other cultures where it's sort of expected to have "the gift of gab". No we're from the same culture. We both haven't been in a relationship before though. So we both are trying to process something new. We've both never been in more than 1-2 dates with someone. Link to comment
Jaunty Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 23 minutes ago, AGrPerson said: You mean why I keep thinking that a guy I barely know is ideal to be my boyfriend? I haven't had a relationship before so it's difficult for me to understand when is the right time to get official with someone or what are the signs that someone is great to be my boyfriend. Well ... let's just say that you need to spend time with the person in real life. What they say is important but you need to be around them enough to see whether they actually live by what they say. One of the guys in the past month evidently told you a lot of things about your future together before you'd even met. You had one single date with him and then were "devastated" because he bailed. This is something that needs to NEVER happen. You need to get to know the person before you "give" yourself to them. I think that it's impossible for you to have met 3 guys who are a great match for you within the span of 3 weeks. You are not holding yourself or the guys to any kind of standard. And remember - the guy can be a fine person and still not a good match for you, or you for him. That is normal. So just because the guy is not a heinous cad doesn't mean you should sign up to be a couple. 2 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 6 minutes ago, Jaunty said: Well ... let's just say that you need to spend time with the person in real life. What they say is important but you need to be around them enough to see whether they actually live by what they say. One of the guys in the past month evidently told you a lot of things about your future together before you'd even met. You had one single date with him and then were "devastated" because he bailed. This is something that needs to NEVER happen. You need to get to know the person before you "give" yourself to them. I think that it's impossible for you to have met 3 guys who are a great match for you within the span of 3 weeks. You are not holding yourself or the guys to any kind of standard. And remember - the guy can be a fine person and still not a good match for you, or you for him. That is normal. So just because the guy is not a heinous cad doesn't mean you should sign up to be a couple. I understand what you mean. So with this guy too getting intimate with him too fast is not a good idea since I might get emotionally attached to him and get heartbroken if in the end he's not the guy he seems to be. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 51 minutes ago, AGrPerson said: I thought that maybe it would bring us closer? I really don't know... It sounds stupid now that I think about it... So you thought having sex would result in better conversations? I'm sorry, but I'm trying to figure out your mindset. 1 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 5 minutes ago, boltnrun said: So you thought having sex would result in better conversations? I'm sorry, but I'm trying to figure out your mindset. Well, it wasn't planned, it just happened. Not exaclty better conversations, but that it would get us closer emotionally. I'm not so happy that it happened though since I think that things move too fast. He wants me to have a date at his house again in order to have sex. I don't want that though to be honest. He hasn't done something with a girl before that's why he was so desperate for us to get to bed. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 52 minutes ago, AGrPerson said: You mean why I keep thinking that a guy I barely know is ideal to be my boyfriend? I haven't had a relationship before so it's difficult for me to understand when is the right time to get official with someone or what are the signs that someone is great to be my boyfriend. Do you have a sense of when it’s ok to be more personal with a new friend ? Same thing. 1 Link to comment
Jaunty Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 What is your regular social life like? Do you have close friends that you hang out with? Hobbies or activities that you do with other people? 1 Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 9 minutes ago, AGrPerson said: Well, it wasn't planned, it just happened. Not exaclty better conversations, but that it would get us closer emotionally. I'm not so happy that it happened though since I think that things move too fast. He wants me to have a date at his house again in order to have sex. I don't want that though to be honest. He hasn't done something with a girl before that's why he was so desperate for us to get to bed. It didn’t just happen. You chose to have intercourse with him. Own your part in it or you’ll start telling yourself you were used by someone desperate. I would stop seeing him. He wants to see you mostly to put his penis inside of you again. If you are interested in s potential relationship there’s no potential here. 1 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: Do you have a sense of when it’s ok to be more personal with a new friend ? Same thing. No I don't. It just happens with time. I feel though with online dating that we tend to pressure things. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 Just now, AGrPerson said: No I don't. It just happens with time. I feel though with online dating that we tend to pressure things. You’re dating someone in person. Who’s we? What’s the pressure from for you in particular ? 1 Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 Is this how you imagined your ideal relationship to be? That a man would have you over to his home to have sex? No more actual dates? 1 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 Just now, boltnrun said: Is this how you imagined your ideal relationship to be? That a man would have you over to his home to have sex? No more actual dates? I didn't think that it would get to a point where we'll only be meeting at his house. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 Just now, AGrPerson said: I didn't think that it would get to a point where we'll only be meeting at his house. That wasn't my question. My question was, is that how you imagined your ideal relationship? Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 Just now, boltnrun said: That wasn't my question. My question was, is that how you imagined your ideal relationship? No it's not. I would prefer to take things slow. Getting to know the other person better first. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 Just now, AGrPerson said: No it's not. I would prefer to take things slow. Getting to know the other person better first. But you had sex with him thinking it would "bring you closer". BEFORE you "knew him better". Don't you think that's a bit backwards? As they say, you can't put toothpaste back in the tube. All you can do is either tell him you don't want "sex at his home" dates but rather real actual dates where you two do activities or go to interesting places and have conversations. Or you can conclude he's not right for you. 1 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 1 minute ago, boltnrun said: But you had sex with him thinking it would "bring you closer". BEFORE you "knew him better". Don't you think that's a bit backwards? As they say, you can't put toothpaste back in the tube. All you can do is either tell him you don't want "sex at his home" dates but rather real actual dates where you two do activities or go to interesting places and have conversations. Or you can conclude he's not right for you. Yes you are right about that. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 16 minutes ago, AGrPerson said: Yes you are right about that. "I regret we had sex so soon. Let's find fun things to do outside of our homes and get to know each other. [then make a suggestion]." See what he says. Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 Did you ever tell us how old you are? I think your naiveté and questions are 'normal' for someone with your lack of experience. I mean heck, when I was 18-19, which I assume you to be (I could be wrong), I was also unsure of myself and didn't understand what a "healthy" relationship looked like either! This knowledge will come in time and as you gain more experience. This guy? Hard to say, especially since HE apparently lacks experience and YOU are his first for everything as well. Assuming he's telling you the truth. Reason I say that is because my brothers began having girlfriends and sex when they were 15 years old! But who knows. You did say you both feel more comfortable spending time together at home, so it's possible his efforts are based on that. If it's not okay, suggest activities outside the house. 1 Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 There is no pattern -it's 13 days. She is uncomfortable because neither of them are planning a real date -just sitting across each other at a table. She is more comfortable not sitting at a table. He is more comfortable now because at home he has easier access to her naked body. I was 24 for my first time. We were very serious. I was engaged to be married -briefly -at age 23 - we were waiting for marriage. I had serious boyfriends prior to age 24 and I chose not to have intercourse. The men /teenagers who wanted to be with me had zero issue and many felt exactly the same. I married at 42 and had several serious boyfriends and given how long I was single I have a very short list of men I had intercourse with. Consistent with my values and standards and life goals. The men who weren't ok with waiting stopped dating me and typicaly early on which was good -little wasted time. We had very romantic relationships, vacations, sleepovers, incredible intimacy and waited for intercourse. Sex enhanced our relationship and was a different way of expressing our closeness, love, commitment. I had a very strong sex drive as did basically all the men I dated. Nothing to do with waiting - you wait because you choose to just like you might strongly desire chocolate cake but you choose not to indulge at that time. Or strongly desire to vent/let out very strong emotions, act on very strong desires -and because acting out would not align with your values you choose not to. You chose to act on your desire to have sex. That's totally cool - you're a single consenting adult as is he. But apparently you two had different goals -he was desperate to get laid and you were testing to see if intercourse would strengthen your bond. It can be an issue when two people who don't know each other well have different intentions in having sex especially when they intend to see if there is relationship potential in the future -meaning it's no biggie if it's a fling or one night stand. 1 Link to comment
AGrPerson Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: There is no pattern -it's 13 days. She is uncomfortable because neither of them are planning a real date -just sitting across each other at a table. She is more comfortable not sitting at a table. He is more comfortable now because at home he has easier access to her naked body. That's exactly how I am feeling. I've told him that I think it was too soon to get intimate with each other and that I would like us to get to know each other better first. Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 1 minute ago, AGrPerson said: I've told him that I think it was too soon to get intimate with each other and that I would like us to get to know each other better first. ^^How did he respond? 2 Link to comment
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