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this will be long, i promise and apologize


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hey everyone. i need some insight. im really good friends with this guy tom. we've been friends with benefits the last seven years on and off and about seven months ago, a whole lot changed. we became even better friends, started seeing one another all the time and started to mess around more. it was never complicated until about two months ago, when he told me over a dinner that he didnt see a relationship with me even though he had tried for the last seven years, something just wasnt there. so after i heard that, i just kind of washed my hands of it, figuring i cant make him love me in any way thats not there, but the problem was, we continued to sleep together even though there wasnt any future. looking back on it, i should have just said "okay, youre not feeling me, this has been going on too long, lets stop." but i didnt. cant change it but anyway. everything changed forever last weekend.

 

last saturday, i went to a party over at our mutual friends house. this mutual friend, brian, and i had a couple of hot weeks together about four years ago. due to distance and not being at a place where a relationship would be a good idea, we mutually decided that it wouldnt be in our best interest to not pursue anything. we tried to talk everyonce in a while but we both got involved with different people and life took us in different directions. well, i get to this party and im having a great time talking to brian again. that night, we wind up getting together (not having sex, just making out in the woods) and having a great time. tom was very very hurt by what i did, even though he "has no right to be feeling the way i do" (thats what he tells me)

 

tom and i have a huge talk that night about everything. i told him it wasnt his place to be getting upset about the situation because we're friends, and he made it clear to me that he wasnt interested in me like that. he says he considers me to "be everything without a title". i know i hurt him but i didnt allow myself to get too upset. i told him that night, "in all fairness tom, the last seven years have been an opportunity for us to date. you made it abundantly clear to me that you didn't see that in me when you told me that you had tried to love me like that but it wasn't there. but you don't see that in me. okay. that's fine. maybe that's not what we're supposed to be. you rejected me that day, and i moved on. i figured rather than try to make you love me and see that im worthwhile, im just going to drop it. i figured if we were supposed to be we would just be. i figured just because you didn't love me the way i wanted you to, doesn't mean you don't care about me at all. but i dont want to miss out on opportunities to be with other people because I think one day youll change your mind. you had countless opportunities to have me before and i feel like it wasn't until i messed around with someone that you then realized that you wanted me. that's not fair. you should have told me sooner."

 

he gives me the goahead to date other people if thats what i want to do. it seems like a totally backhanded comment, but i knew that since tom and i arent in a relationship, i dont really need his permission to be with someone. last night, i went out with brian. we had a fantastic time. i didnt tell tom any of this, but later on in the night, tom calls me up and drops this bombshell on me, "by the way, we're dating now. you wanted a title for a long time. this is what i can give you. nothings changed, so technically we've been dating for seven months, happy?"

 

all i can say is "what?! im in shock. why didnt you ever tell this to my face? cant we talk about this face to face? id much rather because its easy to say this when you dont see the persons reaction, but wait till you see me to tell me how you feel. why didnt you tell me you felt this way a long time ago? whys all of this stuff coming out now?!"

 

he takes that as me telling him that i dont want to be with him, so he fires back defensively, "so thats a no, you dont trust my words, you dont believe me. whats happening to us. four days ago, nothing could touch us, and now this, what the ..." i tell him its not that i didnt trust him, and i do think that this is all part of us growing up and realizing we cant just have sex without feelings getting int he way, and he cuts me off to say "i didnt think id ever lose you chris, i didnt think i could but i can because i did. this has nothing to do with me being desperate to have you to win you over, because of last saturday and what happened."

 

why didnt i believe him?? i didnt believe him at all.

 

somehow the conversation turns to brian, and i tell tom, "i really like him" and he fires at me "so date him! dont let me stop you! call him! hes not at the best point in his life to be in a relationship, i think id know, im his best friend and i know him better than anyone. but i think you guys would be really good together. but hes just a kid still. hes scared. hes hard up and doesnt know how to let go of the pain hes had in his life from his dad dying. but i think that he could work through the pain with you in his life. youd be good for him chris, he'd make you happy but not as happy as you make me."

 

oh my god. why is he now spouting all of this to me?! why now!? its like he had all these chances to tell me all this stuff before and didnt say anything. now that hes faced with giving up me, giving up a lot of the closeness we have, but mainly its the physical connection, he starts to pour his heart out. truth be told, now that hes telling me all of these things, i dont want that from him. i do feel like he told me all of those things out of desperation. because hes afraid of failing. i think at one point in time i very much felt that way about him, and if he would have told me that he wanted to date me ("not in a boyfriend/girlfriend way, not exclusively, just exactly what we are now with a title") a while back, i would have told him yes in an instant. but for some reason now, i just dont want that. i dont see that anymore. i dont want to "date" him. it was never a casual thing to me, and by giving it the title of "dating" just isnt good enough for me. "dating" seems like too casual of a word for what we were. i think also this has a lot to do with brian. i dont mind "dating" and transitioning slowly into boyfriend and girlfriend with brian because granted, i still am getting to know him. tom couldnt give me what i wanted when i wanted it. now, hes got to deal with the fact that his loss is another mans gain. that man is his best friend. and all i can say is "too bad, so sad, deal with it. this isnt about you tom, this is about me. you had your chance."

 

wow. what is happening here?!

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Wow. That must have been some night.

 

What I got from this is he must have some feelings for you, otherwise he wouldnt have acted the way he did. What I dont understand is why he's waited this long to tell you. Maybe it's because of Brian being in the picture now and you starting to like him. Before Brian, Tom had nothing to worry about, you were as good as his, right? But now, he probably feels threatened. I guess it's the "you always want what you cant have" concept.

 

I don't like how he sprung the "we're dating now" comment. It shows he's really desperate to keep you to himself. He shouldnt have assumed you'd audtomatically want to date him. This decision should have been made together, not just by him. But you know that already, I'm sure.

 

Tom's had his chance and he lost it. In my opinion, you should try and see if anything can work out with Brian.

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The problem, it seems to me, is that you were reading the same book, you just got onto different pages at different times.

 

In reality it's fairly simple. Decide what you want.

 

If you want him, tell him what you want in a relationship and see if he will give it to you.

 

If you don't want him, then tell him and let him go.

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Sometimes you don't realize how much you love/want someone until you lose them, there is no mistery in what happened.

 

He just realized that he in fact wanted to be with you once he felt he was losing you. Fear is a good wakeup call you know?

 

Unfortunately it is up to you to decide who you are going to be with.

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I would set some private time with Brian so you don't get hooked into some drama with Tom.

 

Tom had an opportunity to talk honestly with you about his feelings when you hooked up with brian, and instead he resorted to manipulation and control.

 

I'd move on and minimize contact with Tom -- I think he's trying to hook you into his own drama.

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ahhh ... mass relief.

 

just told tom that i was going to see brian tonight. told him i was "doing it for me because this is what i wanted to do, im not living my life for you nor do my choices revolve around you." he was very angry, telling me "i thought we had made some progress with our situation, we were cool and all, and then you throw this at me, this isnt the way i wanted to start my day." and then he feels its necessary to throw in my face that hes got some girl coming into town to hang out tonight.

 

whatever to that. i dont care if he does have some girl thats coming into town, its not going to change my mind about how i want to spend my friday night. i told brian what happened and he told me he respects my honesty.

 

i just realized what my hearts trying to tell me. perfection.

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this last weekend was so unbelievabley great. friday night was interesting. tom calls me on my way up to warrensburg. says that his plans with that chick fell through. said if brian and i werent doing anything to give him a call and maybe the three of us can hang out. (haha, can you even imagine that?! not so much) as i was driving down the street to brians', who drives by but tom. he waves. it was strange. got to brians' house. we had a good laugh thinking about the ackwardness that would be the three of us hanging out. i was estatic to see him. happiness i felt in my toes as we kissed and were so excited to be around one another. after i changed out of my work clothes, we went to his parents house. we had a really nice time barbequing, watching movies, playing outside, being totally carefree. we came back. my phone wont stop ringing. constantly tom. tom then calls brians phone. we still dont answer. five minutes later, theres banging at the doors. its tom. i walk out in brians' pj's and tshirt and hes in the living room after bes lets him in. hes visably shaken up and asks if i will talk to him. im so appaled at his immature behavior i can hardly look at him. we go outside and he tells me the same things hes been telling me on the phone.

 

"i care about you, i tried to not stop by but i had to see you, did you make out with him? have sex with him? i cant eat, i cant sleep, chris i dont know what i can say to make you mine, i miss you, please be with me, i need you, i want you,"

 

all i can tell him is im afraid hes missed his chance. i get very upset when i look at him and tell him that he "had months, no make that years" to tell me his feelings towards me and its just really bad timing now. i attempt to walk inside, telling him i had some stuff i had to get, he tells me "ill get it for ya, i gotta talk to brian." he walks in and i stay outside for a couple seconds and walk in to see him talking to brian, saying "i cant believe you dude, youre my best friend, i want to f-in hurt you, i oughta kick your (censored) " i go back outside i told him "i cant give you what youre wanting. i gave up wanting you like that when you turned me down" he tears up and makes a spart comment about how of all people i could choose its his best friend. i look at him and say something about it wasnt my fault he wasnt man enough to take a chance on what could have been between us and something about his hesitation opened my eyes to a really good situation that unfortunately doesnt include him. i walk away at this point, completely angry at him making this reediculous scene. he attempts to get my attention and pull me closer and i walk away. i walk inside say goodbye tom, attempt to shut the door and he walks in, i walk to the bathroom. i shut the door then all of a sudden i hear tom start to bawl. not just light tears. just bawl. i walk out of the bathroom to see brian hugging tom and head back outside. tom follows me and says "just dont sleep here tonight. please. i want you so bad chris, please let me show you the man i can be" i told him "you did show me, and for the longest time i thought that man would want me back. but you didnt until it was too late. sorry. im sorry. im sorry i cant give you what you want. i guess you know how i felt for so long." he tries to kiss me. i turn away. he looks at me and tries to kiss me again. he gives me this ackward kiss on the lips/cheek and i walk away without a word.

 

i walked back inside to see brian sitting on the recliner. he invites me to sit in his lap. at first im too angry to do so, but ultimately i do. we talk about what happened. i apologize for toms scene. i apologize for putting brian in such an ackward position. he says he still really likes me and wants me but the "situation sucks because no matter what someones going to feel resented. if you tell tom that you want to be with me, hes going to resent us being together. if i tell you i dont want to be with you, youll resent me. if you tell both tom and i that you dont want either of us, everyone of us will be unhappy and resentful. why cant he just be a man and accept things!?" i ask brian if its in our best interest to be together, and he says "yeah, i like you, a lot, i dont want to give that up." after a talk about everything, we wind up being totally fine. we watch tv and lounge around the rest of the night. we finally crash at 5am. my phone starts ringing at 9 and its tom. hes calling and hanging up. its rediculous. he finally talks at about 11 and asks if i would mind stopping by before i left town for the day. i told him id see what i could do. that day, brian and i have a relaxing time. that night, i made us dinner. tom calls me several times but ultimtely gives up. he called brian and left a message saying "hey im not mad, just give me a call, i think we need to talk" so whatever to that. brian doesnt call him. we dont feel like getting into more drama. today was pretty mellow as we just went to the city, ate some lunch and brian had to go to a wedding.

 

he said he would call me tomorrow and we could talk about getting together again. i just know that i want to see what brian has to offer. we had such a fantastic weekend together and i want to do that more often. he told me while i was making dinner on saturday that "it feels like we've been lovers for a long time, ya know?" i just smile at him and say that i know exactly what he means. i really, really like him. we have so much in common, we laugh a lot, its just really easy to be around him. plus, we have our history together. he holds my hand in public, he kisses me in public, hes just a really decent guy. i like him. so i cant deny where my heart took me this weekend. ive decided that tom is immature, missed his chance, and the only person i have to worry about making happy here, is me. i have chosen brian. we're very much on our way to a relationship, and very happy. i wouldnt have it any other way.

 

friday night before we went to sleep, we made a little soundtrack. well, brian made it. i made him put songs that reminded him of me. he put on some really great tunes, we were listening to california by phantom planet when he tells me that when he hears that song, it reminds him of the times we had together four years ago cause that style of music was just getting popular and just reminds him of the times we had. it was sweet. then, this song by pete yorn called life on a string comes on and hes like "this reminds me of you." this just summerizes it all. as pete yorn is singing this part, brians whispering it in my ear, "waiting over here, for life to begin. still looking for the new thing, and you were the the sunshine heading my front line, i was alone, you were just around the corner from me."

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