Long-distance situationship ghosted me and I'm having difficulty moving on.

[jadedjadedjaded]

Hi all,

I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for at this juncture of my healing stage. Maybe to be told that I didn't conjure what happened unwarranted, maybe that I'm not an idiot for following my heart and not listening to my logical gut.

Background:

1. Back in March I (29 F) had planned a trip to visit France(I am from the US), on a solo trip, for my first time traveling abroad. A friend suggested i download Bumble which is a common dating app, but theres a portion on there for friends. She said that a lot of people who solo travel use it to make connections during their stays or if they're new to a city to explore with other people. Anyway, I got the app and had it for 24 hours, but realized as my trip is a month away, it was pre-mature and decided to delete. But not before I connected with this guy Ben (33 M). He had just moved to France for work. We exchanged Instagrams to stay in contact for my trip and i deleted bumble.

2. Shortly after, unfortunately, my trip had to be cancelled for work as I was being called into a trial that warranted my attention. Ben and I maintained contact. It was sporadic at first where he would send me pictures of different areas of France that he was visiting, but quickly turned into daily communication. We began communicating on Whatsapp. Mainly voicememo's and video calls. He went on multiple vacations throughout our communication and introduced me to his friends that he was meeting with from back home. 

3.  Three months or so (We are now in June) after our initial conversation we basically admitted that feelings were starting to develop. But it was never any love bombing, we had become friends. Watched movies on video call together, shared accomplishments in our professional life, personal issues, just day to day conversation. It never dwindled. He suggested meeting somewhere in the middle of both countries and exploring a new city together. We decided Canada, but shortly found out that his visa would not come in time for the only time i could take off of work. Our plans were paused.

4.  July was my birthday. He sent me the most thoughtful gifts. A big bouquet of flowers on the day of my birthday at my doorstep with balloons, the day before he sent me a birthday cake with candles and called at my midnight to sing me happy birthday and so i could blow them out. The day before that a book filled with places to travel to. I was over the moon with the thoughtfulness and attention to things that I like. The day after my birthday I decided to pull the trigger and tell him that I could come to him because there's less travel restrictions with my passport and I wanted to initially go to France anyway. He was all for it. Talks about picking me up at the airport and how easy it is to visit other countries when I got there and we could be tourists in his new city. I bought my ticket. Between July and August (trip month) everything was perfect. Still video calling, still constant communication despite time difference restrictions. Reassurances that we owed it to ourselves to meet.

5. 3 days before my trip I got an unexpected text from him that wrote "can I ask you something". Immediately I knew something was off, because we never texted, mainly voice message or video call. He followed up with "what if we really hit it off? then what?". I thought okay, case of cold feet, like i had multiple times since buying my ticket. I gave reassurances, and wrote something along the lines of "We either figure something out that works for us, or we appreciate what we have had and remain friends." I was caught off guard because out conversations in the past revolved around always meeting at least once. He did not respond (unlike him). The next day he wrote something along the lines of "I really like you, and if its something more, then when will i see you again? I think we are setting ourselves up for heartbreak" to which i replied "i'm already booked and set to go. I can't imagine after 6 months of talking you wouldn't want to at least look me in the eye.  What happens after? We are both mature adults and can go from there. We've continued talking for a reason, and we owe it to ourselves to discover that on this trip". No response. The day before my trip he responded with "Hey, I've thought about this in every which way and I dont think it's a good idea to meet. I know how I am and I will get attached. We will have to deal with emotional trauma which is something i dont want to do to you or me".

6. I never responded to that message. I'm not in the business of begging for attention. I would have never in a million years booked a trip if i didn't feel that he was 100% in it like I was. Anyway, I still went on the trip. Had amazing food, visited multiple countries by myself for my first time ever out of the country. I was hurt, obviously, completely blindsided, but the trip, exhaustion from being on the go and time change, experiencing all the magnificent energies in different countries, prevented me from fully feeling my feelings. I deleted him from instagram when I came back to the states. I only kept him when I was out there was because the petty side of me wanted him to see glimpses that I was not groveling and sad. I came home, and went straight back to my busy job, family and friends. Now, 3 months after my trip, I'm finding that i'm sad. Feeling betrayed and hurt. Upset with myself a bit for trusting someone i had never met and banking that their intentions were as pure as mine. I know closure is a facade, and that happens within, so i'm content with never having responded to him. But, why am i mini relapsing? 

 

Thank you to everyone who tuned into this episode of W.T.F!! 😂

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

I think you've already diagnosed what's happening here: The whirl of the trip, the whirl of returning—in all that movement the full weight of grief was kept at bay. Now that life has returned to normal, it makes sense that you're feeling the void of this more acutely. No shame in that. Just something bitter to sit with and let move through you, trusting it's not a permanent condition. In other words, I wouldn't think of this as a "mini relapse" so much as a stage in letting go and moving on. 

Aside from this, how's life in general? Do you enjoy where you live, your friends, your job? Prior to this, how was dating locally going for you? I ask because—and this is really just my own experience—I've found that I've tended to gravitate toward situations like this (e.g. ones that blossom outside of "reality") when there is something in my life I'm less than pleased with and, as such, the portal to a different life, something pixilated communication is very good at creating, is all the more alluring. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, legallynotblonde said:

, I still went on the trip. Had amazing food, visited multiple countries by myself for my first time ever out of the country. , 3 months after my trip, I'm finding that i'm sad. 

Sorry this happened. You may never know the real reasons he backed out. It seems once you bought the tickets, he froze. 

However this is a great example of making lemonade out of lemons. You had adventurous trip and enjoyed yourself.  

[jadedjadedjaded]

13 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Aside from this, how's life in general? Do you enjoy where you live, your friends, your job? Prior to this, how was dating locally going for you? I ask because—and this is really just my own experience—I've found that I've tended to gravitate toward situations like this (e.g. ones that blossom outside of "reality") when there is something in my life I'm less than pleased with and, as such, the portal to a different life, something pixilated communication is very good at creating, is all the more alluring. 

Wow Bluecastle, you really just opened my eyes to to my current reality. Life is amazing. I am a blossoming young attorney, I have deep and meaningful relationships with my friends and family. I am really content. I have recently tried dating again (I was in a 3 year relationship that ended about a year and some change ago...didn't have an appetite for dating and was focusing on my career, when Ben and I hit it off) and have gone on two dates within the span of 3 weeks, where both guys were great, but I was lacking that emotional connection. It's safe to say that I may be indulging in a comparison of sorts and that's why, as you said, i'm gravitating towards the last time I felt connected to someone. Thank you for this!! 

 

[jadedjadedjaded]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You may never know the real reasons he backed out. It seems once you bought the tickets, he froze. 

However this is a great example of making lemonade out of lemons. You had adventurous trip and enjoyed yourself.  

Thanks Wiseman! Like you said, I won't and likely will never know the reason why. I don't like to indulge in "what-if" scenarios, as they get my mind racing. The reality was that it happened and it wasn't nice and I'm taking that at face value. 

[bluecastle]

4 minutes ago, legallynotblonde said:

both guys were great, but I was lacking that emotional connection. It's safe to say that I may be indulging in a comparison of sorts

Ah, yes, this makes perfect sense. I think it's inevitable that dating stirs this stuff a bit. Nothing to be self-judgmental over overly ruminative about, but just a thing to accept. Give yourself a minute to just feel these feelings—rather than try to dodge them through dating—and I suspect it'll all be behind you sooner than later.

For whatever it's worth? A few lives ago I met a woman in France thanks to a rightward swipe. We enjoyed a lovely evening of long talks together and kept in touch when I returned to the U.S. When a work trip to Greece came up a few months later, I asked if she  wanted to meet. Wasn't thinking she was my future love—wasn't really thinking much, to be honest. Anyhow, the instant I saw her in the hotel lobby I knew I had made a mistake, and we proceeded to share five memorably awkward days together where we basically skipped over all that can be fun between two people and settled into the mold of a resentful couple.

Not really sharing to apply to your situation—save to say that these sorts of things so rarely take off—but really just to offer a little laugh, as I'm an ardent believer that laughter is essential when life gets blue. 

[jadedjadedjaded]

7 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

For whatever it's worth? A few lives ago I met a woman in France thanks to a rightward swipe. We enjoyed a lovely evening of long talks together and kept in touch when I returned to the U.S. When a work trip to Greece came up a few months later, I asked if she  wanted to meet. Wasn't thinking she was my future love—wasn't really thinking much, to be honest. Anyhow, the instant I saw her in the hotel lobby I knew I had made a mistake, and we proceeded to share five memorably awkward days together where we basically skipped over all that can be fun between two people and settled into the mold of a resentful couple.

I appreciate you sharing this and it gave me a nice giggle at "...five memorable awkward days". I have a lot to look forward to and I'll try to avoid ruminating as much as I can. May I ask, what the feeling was that overcame you when you said that you immediately knew you made a mistake when you saw her at the hotel lobby, since you had already met before and enjoyed a nice evening? 

[bluecastle]

Just now, legallynotblonde said:

May I ask, what the feeling was that overcame you when you said that you immediately knew you made a mistake when you saw her at the hotel lobby, since you had already met before and enjoyed a nice evening? 

Good question. 

Maybe it was the gap between reality vs fantasy asserting itself. Or maybe it was because, back in my US life, I had recently gone on a date that seemed promising and shed a light on the inherent limitations of something like this. All in all, what I remember is that she felt a whole lot more like a complete stranger than someone I vibed with, not all that different than when you go on one great date with someone and then, alas, date number two is just a dud.

 

 

[jadedjadedjaded]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Or maybe it was because, back in my US life, I had recently gone on a date that seemed promising and shed a light on the inherent limitations of something like this.

Fair! Relating this back to my scenario, I have this weird gut feeling that this is what happened. Which is such a valid reason! Just a ***** move to pull at the 11th hour. Thank you for your valuable contributions to my melo-drama, bluecastle. 

[bluecastle]

6 minutes ago, legallynotblonde said:

Just a ***** move to pull at the 11th hour.

Without question. 

Whatever the case, I think the best part of this story is: You went and had a blast. That is forever, not just in terms of the adventure, but the part of you that you were able to tap into to go forth a wander on your own. As someone who has done a lot of solo wandering—and who in ways does now does it for a living—I'd find time to acknowledge that part of this to yourself as something to cherish and be grateful of because it's seriously badass. 

[jadedjadedjaded]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

As someone who has done a lot of solo wandering—and who in ways does now does it for a living—I'd find time to acknowledge that part of this to yourself as something to cherish and be grateful of because it's seriously badass. 

To be frank, I still can't believe I did that! Figured out the tram situation in Amsterdam, took a train to Belgium?! Ate way too many croissants! Ran into a friend from high school at the Louvre in Paris! The Airbnb owner in France must have really liked me when we met to exchange the keys, she told me that any time I visit again I would get the place free of charge if it's not booked. (I'm sure my reason of why I was in France helped 😅) I had a free canal ride in Amsterdam, I got upgraded to first class on my way back home, just missed hurricane Hillary so my flight wasn't cancelled... Karma was working in my favor in Europe! 

 

Greece is next for me.. likely will NOT be solo 🤣 Recommendations are welcome! Safe to say I will not be downloading bumble friends for that. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, legallynotblonde said:

To be frank, I still can't believe I did that! Figured out the tram situation in Amsterdam, took a train to Belgium?! Ate way too many croissants! Ran into a friend from high school at the Louvre in Paris! The Airbnb owner in France must have really liked me when we met to exchange the keys, she told me that any time I visit again I would get the place free of charge if it's not booked. (I'm sure my reason of why I was in France helped 😅) I had a free canal ride in Amsterdam, I got upgraded to first class on my way back home, just missed hurricane Hillary so my flight wasn't cancelled... Karma was working in my favor in Europe! 

 

Greece is next for me.. likely will NOT be solo 🤣 Recommendations are welcome! Safe to say I will not be downloading bumble friends for that. 

I like Bluecastle's advice and I'm really glad you still went on your trip! I'm sorry he backed out at the last minute.  That's always a real risk with a stranger -which he was for romantic purposes and I think that aspect of the meeting freaked him out -maybe -or maybe he was really married/got back together with someone, etc.  Anyway that's so awesome that you went!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, legallynotblonde said:

To be frank, I still can't believe I did that! Figured out the tram situation in Amsterdam, took a train to Belgium?! Ate way too many croissants! Ran into a friend from high school at the Louvre in Paris! The Airbnb owner in France must have really liked me when we met to exchange the keys, she told me that any time I visit again I would get the place free of charge 

Sounds like a wonderful adventure. It's good you went and had fun despite this guy backing out last minute. Forget him. You seem to know how to make the best of a situation.