What went wrong???

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, DariaM239 said:

So after several encounters and texting non stop, he asked that I spent the night with him. I agreed and told him way before I even left my house that we were not going to hook up and he was fine with that...

Had a re-read and missed this^ the first time.

What do you mean by you had several "encounters" before spending the night?

Do you mean dates?  How many dates?  Or was this your first meet? 

I only ask as it's simply not safe for a woman to be spending the night with a man in his bed unless and until you've been dating awhile and developed a level of trust. 

You were very lucky he respected your boundaries, other women have NOT been so fortunate.

Please be careful and exercise good judgment when dating.  In fact, I would advise NOT agreeing to sleep in a man's bed unless you plan to actually have sex with him.

Your doing so could be seen by some men as misleading or assuming your "no" means "yes."   You were very fortunate he wasn't one of those men but he could have been, you barely knew him. 

I used to work in the legal field and yes this did happen, the lines can get blurred.  These incidents were not pretty and did not end well for the woman. 

Again, for your own safety please be careful. 

Re this man, my advice is to move on, next. 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Unless I'm missing something, was this your first meet-up in person?

If so, you're lucky you were able to leave his residence without incident, especially in this day and age.

I was wondering the same thing...

[Tinydance]

If by "encounters" you meant you went on a few dates, I actually think you acted very rudely. From your post it sounds like the guy was respectful that you didn't want to hook up. Doesn't sound like he was trying to do anything and just wanted to spend time with you. I think it's normal that he fell asleep if it was really late. If he fell asleep during the day and you were bored or something then it would make more sense that you wanted to leave. If it was 2:00 a.m. it's normal to sleep. The guy was probably expecting you'd sleep as well and you would spend time together the next day.

To be honest I found your behaviour kinda weird. If you wanted to date this guy then why did you just want to take off in the middle of the night? If he wasn't pushing for anything intimate then what was the problem? I understand if you thought your own bed would be more comfortable but it's normal to stay the night with someone you're dating. 

If I invited my date to stay over but at 2:00 a.m. they just took off, I'd be really upset as well. Even if it was a friend who was staying with me and they just randomly left in the middle if the night for no reason, I'd be annoyed as well. In my opinion this is very rude behaviour and very inconsiderate. Also comes across as that you really weren't into him and didn't want to be around him. You also didn't discuss anything with him and just said: "I'm leaving now and my friend is picking me up." So he had no say in the matter at all and it was supposed to be your time together. 

I'm actually very surprised that you thought this behaviour was totally normal.

[DariaM239]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well I'm a woman but having grown up with five brothers and hearing all their stores, plus my own experiences, here's my take seeing it from his side. 

You didn't want to have sex with him even when sleeping overnight in his bed -- Translation (in HIS mind):  She's not attracted to me 

You left in the middle of the night after agreeing to stay the night, and as if that's not hurtful enough (in HIS eyes) you were picked up by another guy. 

Translation (in his mind):  She's not attracted to me and possibly playing me.

By your own admission things were going well, he was sweet and attentive, so yeah obviously he was HURT by your actions. 

He may believe you were playing him, he felt foolish and that is why he ghosted. 

 

Appreciate this response very much. Thank you. 

[DariaM239]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

If by "encounters" you meant you went on a few dates, I actually think you acted very rudely. From your post it sounds like the guy was respectful that you didn't want to hook up. Doesn't sound like he was trying to do anything and just wanted to spend time with you. I think it's normal that he fell asleep if it was really late. If he fell asleep during the day and you were bored or something then it would make more sense that you wanted to leave. If it was 2:00 a.m. it's normal to sleep. The guy was probably expecting you'd sleep as well and you would spend time together the next day.

To be honest I found your behaviour kinda weird. If you wanted to date this guy then why did you just want to take off in the middle of the night? If he wasn't pushing for anything intimate then what was the problem? I understand if you thought your own bed would be more comfortable but it's normal to stay the night with someone you're dating. 

If I invited my date to stay over but at 2:00 a.m. they just took off, I'd be really upset as well. Even if it was a friend who was staying with me and they just randomly left in the middle if the night for no reason, I'd be annoyed as well. In my opinion this is very rude behaviour and very inconsiderate. Also comes across as that you really weren't into him and didn't want to be around him. You also didn't discuss anything with him and just said: "I'm leaving now and my friend is picking me up." So he had no say in the matter at all and it was supposed to be your time together. 

I'm actually very surprised that you thought this behaviour was totally normal.

Well me and him never “labeled” our status. Yes we had went on a few dates beforehand. But neither of us brought up the topic of what we were, he loves living his own life independently and so do I. Obviously the communication was very poor between us. I had no idea that I was going to feel uncomfortable once I was already there trying to fall asleep. And I wasn’t going to suck it up either. I was going to make it back home regardless. And I apologized the very next day too. And he got defensive but then said it was fine (obv it wasn’t) How was I supposed to know he was still going to hold it against me if he doesn’t tell me. All I can do now is move on from this and make better choices. 

[DariaM239]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I was wondering the same thing...

No, we’ve went out on several dates before! I would never do that on a first date. 

[DariaM239]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Had a re-read and missed this^ the first time.

What do you mean by you had several "encounters" before spending the night?

Do you mean dates?  How many dates?  Or was this your first meet? 

I only ask as it's simply not safe for a woman to be spending the night with a man in his bed unless and until you've been dating awhile and developed a level of trust. 

You were very lucky he respected your boundaries, other women have NOT been so fortunate.

Please be careful and exercise good judgment when dating.  In fact, I would advise NOT agreeing to sleep in a man's bed unless you plan to actually have sex with him.

Your doing so could be seen by some men as misleading or assuming your "no" means "yes."   You were very fortunate he wasn't one of those men but he could have been, you barely knew him. 

I used to work in the legal field and yes this did happen, the lines can get blurred.  These incidents were not pretty and did not end well for the woman. 

Again, for your own safety please be careful. 

Re this man, my advice is to move on, next. 

 

 

 

Hi! I actually also work in the legal field and am very familiar with what you’re saying. Me and him had went on several dates beforehand. So no, this was not the first time. Not everyone has to have sex the first night of sleeping over. He was very respectful with me and for that I appreciate him for it. I do appreciate your concern tho! My issue with this situation is obviously the way I handled it but also I wish he would’ve communicated better with me cause I did apologize to him the next day and he didn’t seem to want to talk about it anymore. I understand that he was probably still hurting, but how am I supposed to know if you’re not being honest with me. But doesn’t matter anymore anyways. I just have to move on. /:

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, DariaM239 said:

Well me and him never “labeled” our status. Yes we had went on a few dates beforehand. But neither of us brought up the topic of what we were, he loves living his own life independently and so do I. Obviously the communication was very poor between us. I had no idea that I was going to feel uncomfortable once I was already there trying to fall asleep. And I wasn’t going to suck it up either. I was going to make it back home regardless. And I apologized the very next day too. And he got defensive but then said it was fine (obv it wasn’t) How was I supposed to know he was still going to hold it against me if he doesn’t tell me. All I can do now is move on from this and make better choices. 

In what way did you feel uncomfortable? I mean if you really felt uncomfortable it's OK to go if you really don't want to be there. If it was something like the bed was uncomfortable, well unfortunately that becomes part of dating someone. You start staying at their place and maybe at first you feel unsettled or there's more noise or something but if you want to date them you would need to work around it. To me it would seem that you're not interested because you randomly just decided to leave very late. Like if you really liked this guy then you'd need to show him you liked him. Leaving suddenly isn't actually showing that. You actually don't seem to feel that bad about it and seemed shocked he was hurt by it. If you were texting him afterwards with the same tone I think he'd have picked up that you didn't feel bad. Doesn't actually sound like your apology came across as that sincere.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, DariaM239 said:

My issue with this situation is obviously the way I handled it but also I wish he would’ve communicated better with me cause I did apologize to him the next day and he didn’t seem to want to talk about it anymore.

Yes, because you went at 2AM with an unknown man(to him) into the night. Its not really that hard concept to get. To you your best friend picked you up. To him some man picked you up in the middle of night and you were trying to sneak out. That is extremely poor look on you. Again, doesnt justify him ghosting or trying to make you see how he is surrounded by other women. But its extremely bad look on you in his eyes.

If you didnt want to sleep over, you should have told him that beforehand. You came to his place with train and he assumed you will sleepover there. Not that you will sneak out with some man in the middle of the night. This whole situation could have been resolved if you have just told him you will leave beforehand. But instead you considered it not a big deal to just leave. Without even saying that you will. With some guy he doesnt know. Are you really surprised that he is mad when you behaved in that manner?

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, DariaM239 said:

Well me and him never “labeled” our status. Yes we had went on a few dates beforehand. But neither of us brought up the topic of what we were, he loves living his own life independently and so do I. Obviously the communication was very poor between us. I had no idea that I was going to feel uncomfortable once I was already there trying to fall asleep. And I wasn’t going to suck it up either. I was going to make it back home regardless. And I apologized the very next day too. And he got defensive but then said it was fine (obv it wasn’t) How was I supposed to know he was still going to hold it against me if he doesn’t tell me. All I can do now is move on from this and make better choices. 

No status needed when  you have a plan where you are invited to someone's home to spend the night.  That's why I agree with Tinydance. Yet you want to label him as a ghoster -if you had no status -how does that work exactly?

Yes I'd make choices where you are honest with yourself and the other person about what you're looking for and be honest up front about a plan like this -that you're very "spontaneous" so sometimes if you're bored or restless you just leave on a whim.  That way the other person can choose not to make a plan with you given how unpredictable you like to be or have a backup plan or decide it's ok for that day. 

Some people don't mind/don't have much going on or want the option to be just as impulsive/rude as you if they're not having the best of times during a date or hangout. 

My teenage son has plans now regularly where he goes to a friend's and the plan is to have take out and watch a movie maybe play some video games.  We drop him off early evening and pick him up around 11.  If his friend or the parents called us at 8pm and said -you know now we feel like taking our son to ____ and your son can't come - please come pick him up now - I mean we wouldn't make a plan again with them and my son would be very hurt! We wouldn't want to hear "well they're just friends no family so he doesn't have any real status and we like to be spontaneous!"

[Kathryn657xx]

I think the issue here is quite simple - he didn't like the fact you left in the middle of the night with another man - regardless of your friendship. Maybe put the shoe on the other foot, if this guy left your house in the middle of the night and was picked up by another woman, but they are just good friends, I think you'd be slightly concerned and a little annoyed. To ghost you is immature though so don't waste your time thinking on it. Move on and hopefully you find someone a little more mature who can accept you have male friends too. Good luck.