How to break up w/ girl I love very much but I feel is cheating / may attack me

[guyguy420]

The past 6 months have been particularly damaging to our relationship, and I feel it worsen every time we try to talk out our issues. 
 

I am strongly of the belief a relationship, including the love, trust, and respect are two way, earned and maintained streets and that no issue can be the fault of one person. The persisting issue in our relationship is the presence of other men and my insecurities towards them, how I attempt to approach them, and how we move on from them. Admittedly, my childhood and sexual trauma related that I have mentioned here before make conversations, confrontation, and sometimes arguments or relationship problem solving a struggle. But over the past Year and a Half almost, I have made right to change nearly every aspect of my life, starting work, getting better work, about to move out of my parents, quit drinking, etc. I did all of this for my girlfriend and only for her, and I had intended to do the exact opposite with my life before I met her. Not because I was desperate for a GF, but because she seemed so very special and made me drop my years long “I don’t need a GF mantra” instantly. Dropped people, forced myself into uncomfortable sexual and social circumstances, and have tried very hard to assess the way I speak. If she does not like someone, they are gone tomorrow, no, today. 
 

She cannot do anything for me. She can buy things sure, but after a while that starts to feel superficial and what I am really after is affection and security. Things I strongly feel I do not get from her, as she has lied to me about going clubbing, lied about talking to men, what they said, what they talked about, who they were and their past. I know a lot of men have an inclination to be aggressive towards any man near his girl, but I swear I have put up with every single guy up until the moment he explicitly says he wants to badly *** her, tries to convince her to cheat on me, puts hands on her, or they suddenly reveal they used to date or had ***ed and that she “forgot” or “omitted” from telling me. And again, I know a lot of guys are Gun-Ho about this type of thing, but I am serious when I say I fight any feeling I have towards a guy until one of these things happen, which they have. Every. Single. Time. 
 

In my past two posts I had written about how one of these co workers, one that seemed closer than the rest, began putting hands on her and telling other people how badly he wants to have sex with her and how she’s exactly the type of girl he wants. Before this, I had already told her how I felt about him, but I won’t repeat too much from previous writing. More recently with this guy, I had told her twice that if she talks to him again in any context other than strictly work or confronting him about what he said + cutting him off, she absolutely could not talk to him. She has now twice tried to hide talking to him. The first time, she tried to hide that she worked and talked with him, and this second time, she tried to hide that she told him to come over to her house to drop off a mini fridge. 
 

What I am about to say is a sin and I regret it absolutely, but this morning my curiosity got the best of me and I picked up her phone to look through it. I rationalized it to myself with all the times she’s gone through my phone and LOTS more than that while I’m asleep. I only looked for about five seconds, seeing that she invited him over at the beginning of the week. She woke up, and I told her I was sorry but I looked and that it hurt me that after repeatedly telling her I am not comfortable with him, not to talk to him, etc. she still wants to have one more conversation or something with him. My view is: you want a mini fridge THAT bad that you’re willing to completely disregard my feelings and boundaries of our relationship, then just ***in ask me for one! I’m your boyfriend?? That’s what I do??

Her response to this was to shame me for looking (fair), call me a “***ing Retard,” and then told me to go home before we could even talk about it. When we did, she still refused to talk to me about it and like with many conversations recently, she has begun to just say things never happened that I remember clearly, or that she never said something, that there’s problems I “can’t understand” (she doesn’t talk about it anymore before or after saying that), and that I only talk in circles. Admittedly, I do talk in circles. But it’s only because every time I want her to stop talking to her ex boyfriend or some guy, she gets offended by it, wants to argue, eventually (like when I’m shaking nervously after she yells at me about how stupid I am and how I don’t understand anything) does talk about it, then forgets what I said immediately, talking to the same guy again, until she finally cuts him off and starts with some other guy- so we have to have the same conversation kinda often. 
 

Up till this point I have tried to be unbelievably understanding and see where she’s coming from, but I can’t. We are both sexual abuse victims, I have never told her I hate her or that she’s a retard. We were both homeless for some part of our adolescence, I never thought about going out to get ***ed up at the club without her or just go to some chicks house. Many people around us suffer from trauma and issues larger and smaller than both of ours, and I have never seen someone treat someone they claim to love with so much vitriol.

Due to her anger, and though we have never had any physical altercation, I am afraid she will attack me if I break up with her. I am afraid she will try to hit me or break something (she has broken things, a couple of times slammed my things, or accidentally hit me flailing in rage), or that best case scenario she will try to harass me and my close ones, which she did with her last ex boyfriend and stole a bunch of money from him.

Also past three weeks she’s cancelled every date to go get ***ed up with her friends then freaks out on me for not taking her places. She never tells me anywhere she goes, certainly not other men’s houses, but last week she blew my phone up because I went to visit my brother and grandmother while she was at work and forgot to text her. I finally got to bring her on a date, and after the movie, she was just upset that I didn’t have more money to go to a ***ing theme park which she was itching to do anyway, because right before our date, she wanted to delete half our plans to go out with her friend. 1. I paid at least $150 for a couple hours on the town that she didn’t care about, and gave her damn near $70 for no reason at all, which she MAYBE texts “Ty” for, meanwhile some random kid comes up to us after she told me she “wanted to be nowhere near me” and gave her $10 which she just absolutely lit up for. 2. The friend she wanted to go to the park with tried to get her to cancel on me completely, and is also the friend who she cheated on her last boyfriend at her house.

I get it, they’re all red flags. But I love her, and I wish this was a forum / place or that there was an easier way for me to include all the great things about her, so people could understand why I love her so much. I have told my friends and family, I will probably ride this until the wheels fall off because I love her so much. 
 

Basically, I don’t know how or when, but I think I need to leave her. I HATE thinking about it. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to even think about it. But I think I’m at my limit, and I’ve had too many people suggest I am in an abusive relationship and need to leave. Literally too many people coming up to me and saying “I’m not saying she doesn’t love you but…” 
but I need to know how to approach it, in a safe, civil, healthy way.

[guyguy420]

Anything I mention as an issue I have I can tell you a verbatim story about how she has freaked out on me for nothing but then turned around did the exact thing she accused me of. And things like money, men, and like in one of my older posts, dress, were not things I was ever worried about and went out of my way in the beginning to tell her I wasn’t. I only became conscious and worried about these things, after she started constantly throwing money in my face, commenting on how I’m dressed, who I’m with and where I’m going, and getting mad for these things. That, plus when I start to see a sudden change in the places she goes, and with who, and for what, and how she dresses- all coincidentally at the same time she started telling me she hates me and wants nothing to do with me and is trying harder to get rid of me than she is some 30/40 yr old creep. Lol.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, guyguy420 said:

I will probably ride this until the wheels fall off because I love her so much

All this says is that you have a terribly unhealthy idea of what love is. 

Yes, it is way past time to end this. She is abusive, full stop. If she tries to attack or harrass you, call the police. Yes, really. And walk away completely. 

[guyguy420]

44 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

All this says is that you have a terribly unhealthy idea of what love is. 

Yes, it is way past time to end this. She is abusive, full stop. If she tries to attack or harrass you, call the police. Yes, really. And walk away completely. 

I’m sorry if this sounds immature or redundant, but how?

I’ve noticed that I get very scared and have spikes of anxiety thinking about the idea, as admittedly I am very sensitive and very attached to her. Likely to a detriment as she’s said things like “You can’t do anything without me” and “You’re gonna freak out if you can’t talk to me.” lol

I also have a feeling many people will suggest I should just walk away, but I would like to talk to her in person if or when I am ready to take that step.

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, guyguy420 said:

I’m sorry if this sounds immature or redundant, but how?

How do you break up, do you mean?

I am guessing based on your other thread that you don't live together. As such, for your own safety, I would call her and not have this conversation in person. She's too unstable and it's not worth the risk. 

Tell her that you are not happy and that you are ending the relationship. If she gets angry, tell her that you cannot talk to her if she isn't willing to speak calmly. Only you can muster up the strength to do this, and stick to it. Keep in mind that this relationship is on a collision course anyway, and is absolutely not going to last, so by breaking up now you're also simply refusing to prolong your own misery any further. She also doesn't love you. You deserve love. This woman doesn't care about you. 

[spinstermanquee]

Wow, guyguy.  That is a big ole sea of lies to be swimming in without a life vest or raft (something of truth or substance to cling to).  Choose to stay, you know what will happen, right?

You.deserve.better.  The only person that can deliver that better to you is YOU.

Keeping my hopes up for you guyguy 🙂

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, guyguy420 said:

I’m sorry if this sounds immature or redundant, but how?

I’ve noticed that I get very scared and have spikes of anxiety thinking about the idea, as admittedly I am very sensitive and very attached to her. Likely to a detriment as she’s said things like “You can’t do anything without me” and “You’re gonna freak out if you can’t talk to me.” lol

I also have a feeling many people will suggest I should just walk away, but I would like to talk to her in person if or when I am ready to take that step.

I would talk to her in person only where you meet in front of a police precint. When the precint is open.

[Jaunty]

Ugh.  Please do break up with her and never interact with her again - which might be a challenge since she sounds like a maniac.  

You went through quite a litany of bad things she's done in your OP.  The impossibility of being with this person was clear after the first few sentences you wrote about her.

As for you, on your own, it's a problem when you make changes in your own life "for" the other person.   In your case, the changes you did make were positive ones.  Working, stopping drinking, etc.  Please try to hold onto those things, for yourself.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, guyguy420 said:

 people coming up to me and saying “I’m not saying she doesn’t love you but…” I need to know how to approach it, in a safe, civil, healthy way.

Please focus on your physical and mental health. Stay sober focus on work and your job and education. Focus on preventing homelessness and getting stabilized living with your father.

If she lays a hand on you again call the police before she does and you end up in jail. Happens all the time. . You're in a violent situation and it's not going to turn out well for you. It can turn into a huge problem in a nanosecond, so stop horsing around.

Stop listening to people who tell you "she loves you". Keep yourself safe and sane. There is no "civil, healthy way" to approach abuse. Just end it delete block. Stop looking for trouble.

[shouldhavelearned]

As hard as it might be

 

Move on and move on fast