Nightmares: I am stuck at my dad's house

[Loka56]

My parents didn't have a good marriage. My father was from a deprived family and had a difficult life growing up. My mother was brought up with love and care, and she knew how to raise good kids. 

My father had difficulties, i.e., anger issues and whatnot. But don't want to say anything bad about him because he had a very difficult life which reflected on how he treated us, his kids. He had no help. 

So anyway. I was always the prime target of his anger. Compared to my siblings, I had too many difficult situations with my father. I worked hard to get my siblings and mom out of his life. 

And luckily, he wanted that too. 

Our new house is so comfy. I and my family feel so safe and secure here. No threats. No more shouting, libel, fighting, threats of getting burned down alive. No more cutting off power, water, and any other supply. No more struggles to perform prayers.

Everything is so good, thanks to the Almighty. 

It's been more than a year of living a good life here. The thing is, I am constantly having nightmares where my father is threatening me and is ready to harm me (just to be clear, his misbehavior and threats don't include anything sexual or any sexual offense). I never had nightmares like this before. 

It's been over 15 days of these nightmares. 

I came to know that subconsciously I am stuck at that age where my father was a huge threat to me. 

The dreams are like I am doing something normal, and my father comes up in his signature furious style, and I start running away with my full energy, and boom, I am up, exhausted, and no longer sleeping. 

Q: Is this something that will go away with time? 

This is just troubling me that's why I am posting it here. So many nights of sleep deprivation. 

[Seraphim]

It is time to seek counselling for abuse if you can. I had horrifying nightmares for decades after severe abuse. After therapy I rarely have nightmares anymore . 

[Loka56]

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

It is time to seek counselling for abuse if you can. I had horrifying nightmares for decades after severe abuse. After therapy I rarely have nightmares anymore . 

I did undergo therapy right after we moved to our new house. I didn't use to have such nightmares back then. 

I have consulted with psychiatrists and psychoanalysts before, three times to be exact, and never had something out of it except 'say whatever you have in your head'

I can visit a therapist again, but I don't have any hope from them. They don't help. They want me to say whatever I have in my head, and then that's it. I do journaling. 

[Seraphim]

I did lots of therapy including EMDR, it was very successful. My PTSD is greatly reduced . 

[TacticalLinguine]

Hey love, I’m so sorry for what you and your family have gone through. 
 

Personally I listen to my dreams a lot, they’re a link to your subconscious self. These dreams, are they nightmares or do you feel as if you’re reliving past incidents? Do they happen at specific stages of your sleep? You say this is new, is there anything causing you anxiety in your waking life currently?  
 

PTSD related dreams are very complex and it is difficult to dive deep enough on your own to analyse and find a cure for your pain. I would also suggest looking around some more for a trauma specialist that has the tools to help. 
 

I used to have horrible nightmares, and for the longest time I had no idea why. In those dreams I had an “entity” follow me, stalk me, hunt me, attack me, eat me, so on. I woke up in terror every single time, took me a while to realise that the entity in my dreams was my addiction. 

Journalling is a great idea. Getting creative helps too, perhaps you’ve considered painting, sketching, anything of the sort. It feels good to let your mind go free sometimes. 
 

I don’t have PTSD related dreams, I am not diagnosing you either, it just sounds like a fitting term here. But I do keep a dream journal and in general enjoy analysing them. Though I am unsure what you’d be comfortable with. 

[1a1a]

Another thing that might help, I’ve only just discovered it exists but the two friends who were talking about it were effusive, somatic therapy. Which to the best of my understand is a therapy that allows you to process the trauma stored in your body in a safe space. Something talk therapy can’t really get at. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Loka56 said:

I have consulted with psychiatrists and psychoanalysts before, three times to be exact, 

Sorry this is happening. Please reconsider appropriate evaluation and ongoing treatment for the PTSD.  Is anything happening now that is triggering this? Changes or other stresses in life?

 Do you have access to healthcare and health insurance? Please consider ongoing support with a specialized therapist.

Please read up on some of the available treatment options for you:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20355973

[Loka56]

My life is not stressful now. It's been over a year that I have been out of sheer stress. When I was at my dad's with my family, I felt constant terror and had only one goal to work on 'either die with my mom and siblings or get a place where it is easy to stay alive. 

I have always considered myself someone with good energy that helps people. I am intelligent and wise, all thanks to my family's situation. And I always had the idea, 'If I am growing out of this *** with grace, there must be something this universe wants me to do,' and that's just how I left the idea of 'dying' and worked my ass off to get a place where it is easy to stay alive. 

Now, our current home is a gift of the Almighty for us. It is so easy to live here. We still have some issues in our family because of my parent's separation, but they are peanuts compared to what we have been through. 

But as soon as I got settled here (as I was the person bearing the responsibility, it took me eight months to settle things at this new home), I started having a hormonal imbalance, and my ob-gyn said it could be because of stress. But I was like, 'wait, what? I was in a very stressful situation before and didn't have any issues. Now, as soon as I got some peace, my body has started reacting?' 

Maybe hormones make it harder to handle yourself. So, I became anxious about my future and everything else as I am getting married. 

I had multiple sessions with therapists. Saying whatever I had in my mind wasn't helping as I have a loving partner who is an empath, and I do journaling. I also take note of my partner's capacity to listen to such depressive thoughts and use different tools to help me out, i.e., talking to a therapist (back then), talking to a bestie, journaling, assessing my notes in the last year's journal, workouts, Zumba, yoga. 

And in all that, I never had a troubling dream about my past. 

I started seeing these nightmares the week before I signed my marriage contract. This is a notable change. 

And come to think of it, maybe this could be a potential reason because of some of the good traits that my father had, and my partner also has them. Like, my father was so straightforward and clean with money-related matters to EVERYONE. And my partner is like that too. 

^ This is just a thought. But I am thinking of meditating on 'I am a grown-up, powerful, and a brave girl. Not someone who can be harmed so easily. My partner is a supportive man of high moral values, and I have him with me. There's no danger. My father no longer has the ability to harm me. I have more power to stay safe if anything happens.' 
 

[Loka56]

Also, I don't hate my father. I understand his situation and position as well. No matter how awful the relationship I had with him, I saw him many times controlling his demons to protect us from any physical harm. 

I don't have any resentment towards him. I just want him to live a happy life. After all, he wasn't happy with us too. 

But I don't want to see him my entire life. 

And that's just what I pray for him. 

'Please give my father the life he deserves. He also deserves happiness. Please grant him the happiness he has been seeking all his life. May my father live his life with so much happiness that the thought of us (his wife and us children) won't cross his mind even for once. I don't want to behave in a bad manner with him.'

[Seraphim]

When the body and mind FINALLY have time to contemplate is sometimes when it hits crisis. 

[TacticalLinguine]

52 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

When the body and mind FINALLY have time to contemplate is sometimes when it hits crisis. 

This! Being in a nice peaceful home doesn’t mean the past is done and over with. Also, for me, finding a peaceful place and meeting people who treated me well caused me intense anxiety because it was something so foreign to me. We get used to the chaos. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Loka56 said:

I started seeing these nightmares the week before I signed my marriage contract. This is a notable change. 

It seems like you have identified a trigger. Now you need to reflect why it's triggering you. Once you do that, things may calm down. Keep in mind, PTSD is not "logical". So an innocuous stimulus, even obliquely related, can trigger it.

[Seraphim]

Recovery from PTSD is also not linear. I have had PTSD almost 44 years .