First Dating Experience

[bob1689]

Hi everyone! Before I get into it, I'd like to say that, given how complicated the situation is, I'd greatly appreciate any thoughts or advice of any kind. I have just completed my third year as a college student. I was born with a genital condition that caused the nurse to misidentify me as a female at birth. After my diagnosis as biologically male as a pre-teen, I transitioned to male to be my true self, cutting off all ties with the rest of the family and moving far away with my parents. They believed that I was unable to have penetrative sex and were afraid of women harming me, whether it be by disclosing my genital condition or financially (in a divorce), so they told me when I was 11 that I'd be single for the rest of my life. Around when I turned 18, I started to undergo an intense mental health struggle. My parents did want me to find a life partner one day after I refused to allow them to adopt a sibling for me (I'm an only child), but they vehemently didn't want me to date in college. I wanted to date in college because, after anonymously speaking with girls online, I believed that I could do it safely and that, if a girl could love me for me, it would be during college when I didn't have much social status (outside of college, at least) or wealth. My parents didn't trust therapists and almost disowned me after they found out that I'd secretly reached out to a therapist. I almost committed suicide, and my grades started to tank. My only emotional release was exercise, and one day I ran so intensely that I actually ended up in the emergency room.

Fast forward three years later to today, my academic performance took a big hit over the past two years. I sometimes struggled to get myself to eat or go to class, and I questioned the point of continuing to live or work. I felt like my parents had betrayed me, and the rest of the world was a threat to me. I did a lot of club leadership and earned a lot of respect from fellow students, professors and alumni, and I've been strongly encouraged to pursue an MBA at some point. But they don't know that I wanted to gain more control over the people around me. I focused on making close friends who shared my values and views on life and politics, and this past quarter, I met my first girlfriend. She accepted my condition, and I found out that I am actually able to have penetrative sex in certain positions. Surprisingly, she almost always orgasms when we have penetrative sex, and I've made her orgasm through oral sex only once. I won't ever tell my parents or past surgeons. She understands my feelings towards my parents and society, and there is a chance I will marry her at one point.

But because of my mental health struggle and relationship, my major-field GPA is lower than it could. I have a 3.7 GPA now, but I may have earned an F this past semester, so my GPA may fall quite a bit. My girlfriend and I experienced things most people go to the grave without experiencing, so when I remember that, I don't regret what I did during college. We did things that I wrote about in poems during the pandemic, from hugging on top of a highway bridge at night to walking on the Hollywood stars at 3am. I lived with her as if I might die before she moves to America from her home country (she's an exchange student). I also felt like I was avenging my parents' cruel treatment of me during the pandemic and showing the universe that I wasn't doomed to die lonely. I am convinced that if I hadn't gone through this process, the risk of self-harm or potentially even suicide would be high later on in life. So the good news is: I'm not worried about that any more, and I feel like a whole new person. I am no longer insecure, depressed, or suicidal. The bad news is: I had perfect academics until the end of high school, and now I feel like I've undone all my past hard work. My parents refuse to let me graduate one semester late so all four years of grades can be considered, so I think my chances at a top Masters program are looking slim. I'm going to try to get into a reputable company before applying.

I care more about my studies now that I feel as confident as I did before the mental health struggle. Being able to support a family at some point is added motivation. In fact, I will work a part-time campus job in the fall to earn money to buy plane tickets to see my girlfriend in her home country.

Does anyone have any thoughts on all this? Do you think I made an irresponsible mistake, or was what I did valid or even beneficial for me in the long term? I don't know if I should feel guilty (as my parents want me to) or proud that I went through something crucial to my long-term personal development and health. Even if this is a loss, I believe in winning the war, not one battle.

[boltnrun]

Mental health is always a priority. If it means some things have to be temporarily shelved, so be it. You wouldn't have finished your schooling if you ended up institutionalized or worse.

Can you take summer school to make up the credits? If not, adding an extra semester or year is not shameful. My son took five years to graduate college. If your parents refuse to help you pay for an additional semester or year, ask the financial aid office at your school for help.

I'm happy for you that you were able to meet and have a relationship with a nice young woman. Good for you.