Husband feels distant...

[routinezucccini]

On 5/25/2023 at 11:31 AM, Charlie1984 said:

Recently my husband I got an apartment after having a pretty big conversation in which he expressed how he was unhappy with just how long we were living in same house as my Mom. He kind of held it in for about 4 years then it came out pretty aggressively. I quickly hopped-to correct the situation. Within 2 months of that conversation, we were in a place of our own. It's going on 4 months of living on our own, and I have noticed that I find myself alone a lot. He goes to work before me, gets home after me and has quite the affinity for the gym and goes with his newly separated friend. He has also taken to going out more, with friends and family. I know I am invited but don't exactly feel comfortable going out with his family so I either stay home alone or get together with my Mom. I like the outings with our friends, but don't need to do them so frequently. He tends to travel for work about once a month or more for a few days at a time. I was upset to come home to an empty home yet again on Tuesday after going away for an extended weekend to celebrate a birthday. It led to a conversation last night in which he seemed to understand my feelings and concerns, but then still deferred a weekend together until the weekend after next because of something he planned with his family on Sunday that I didn't know about. I was very upset by this. I felt like he hadn't heard me at all. I shut down, went to shower and when he tried to continue the conversation, I said something snippy like "don't worry about it, I will patiently wait for my time in 10 days and any other time you have to pencil me in". I showered, took some CBD and went to bed. I know comments like this do not help anything, but I was so hurt over the deferral of time with me that I didn't help myself (I am sure I could have but didn't want to, to be honest). What do you think? Should I be concerned? What is the best way to approach or handle going forward? I love my husband so much and miss him. Between his work, gym, outings, I am feeling his distantness. Thank you in advance. 

I can wholeheartedly say on this topic, I have experienced similar feelings after moving out of my parents house after my divorce. Even after the healing time, I was pretty closed off and once I had my own place, it was a huge relief and felt like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt free and was full of life and wanting to live. Perhaps your husband is experiencing the same, given it was your family and not his you were living with. It being your family, you were comfortable and "at home". He was forever more visiting and not at home. Make sense? 

[Charlie1984]

@routinezucccini I understood once I read it a couple times from other’s comments. I now understand completely reading yours. I think perhaps he didn’t want to voice it and when he did it was so late that it had festered in a way already. I acted quickly to accommodate him since when I married him I vowed before God to put him first. The pandemic surly didn’t help at all cause it would have been sooner. I appreciate you.

[routinezucccini]

13 hours ago, Charlie1984 said:

@routinezucccini I understood once I read it a couple times from other’s comments. I now understand completely reading yours. I think perhaps he didn’t want to voice it and when he did it was so late that it had festered in a way already. I acted quickly to accommodate him since when I married him I vowed before God to put him first. The pandemic surly didn’t help at all cause it would have been sooner. I appreciate you.

I understand completely the "festering" of thoughts, actions/non actions, non communication.  It happens at the click of a button sometimes. It is always a very touchy subject when dealing with one's family when it is not your own. 
You are so very welcome and I pray that things only continue to get better for you two! Remember "this too shall pass"  ❤️ 

[Charlie1984]

Two-week update: For those of you who recommended communication, you were right. After lots of conversations, I feel like we are returning/ returned to a place that feels so familiar in which we are in sync again and talking more, sharing, comforting each other, laughing a lot again and I am feeling blessed for this positivity. For those of you who said I need to find my own interest and a hobby, you were also right. I have been doing some home Pilates and learning "YouTube" and am exploring options of a potential career change. I feel passionate about it and feeling less cloudy, mopey and I have not had one single day in the last 2 weeks where I wait for him to be home because I am too busy doing something on my own and it's just a cherry on top when he walks through the door. 

Tomorrow we are going to our niece’s birthday party (his side of family). Next Saturday we are going to our other niece’s birthday party (also his side of the family). I am trying to go beyond myself (with the help of CBD) to go with him more for certain events with his side of family.

One last thing. I did make a couple attempts to apologize for the whole living with my Mom for longer than we should have or at all and he insisted that where he wasn’t super happy about it, it’s not the biggest deal. He even expressed he kind of missed certain things about living there like my Culinary Mom’s meals and the treats she would send to our work to share with our co-workers. He missed certain things we did like watching certain shows all together. So rather he was blowing smoke, or it really isn’t as big of a deal as it would seem. He said that when he had the outburst about us getting a place of our own there were several issues including work and his family drama that went into it and he was regretful of how it came up. So, I don’t know, but either way I am glad we have our place and I learned something as a result of all this.

Again, thank you all so much.