8 years single. idk how to relationship again.

[JustADude79]

After a series of consecutive bad relationships in my 20s and 30s, I gave up. 
Based on experience, the only women interested in me are mentally and/or emotionally unstable - so I quit.

"I'm better off alone than with that drama", I said. Except I'm actually not.

The first 3 or 4 years were ok, peaceful actually. I made some half-assed attempts to talk to a few women here and there, but it never went anywhere. Either it was outright rejection - or I backed off as soon as it might have been something.  There's been a few women that I think were expressing interest, but I just automatically (in my head) went to "well, if she likes me she must be crazy" and let those situations fizzle out.

But it's not ok.
I think I'm literally dying of loneliness.
I'm 43 and I'm not sure which will kill me first - the diabetes or the loneliness.

A few days ago, as I was in the throes of a serious, level 7 (out of 10) depression episode, I realize that being alone is a problem. I think I narrowed it down to two specific reasons why it's a problem:

1.) I'm a single dad and I thought having someone to love is enough. But as it turns out, there's more than one type of love and they do not share the same pressure relief valves. Overcharge a battery and it explodes. Leave gasoline sitting in a car too long and it goes bad. I love my child with all my heart, but that doesn't address romantic/relationship love, so I'm left with this huge engine that's going bad from sitting too long without doing anything. Unreleased, bottled up emotions of any kind are bad for humans.

 

2.) "It's because people need to feel wanted.
Everyone wants to have a purpose in life and everyone wants to be of purpose to someone else. It's ingrained in us. The expression “Man is a social animal” comes to mind."

I copy/pasted that from some random Quora answer after googling "humans have to feel wanted" just now. I wanted that to not be true. "I don't need anyone to be happy with myself.", I've been telling myself. The funny part is that bit is true. I am happy with who I am as a person. I spent the first few years of my relationship independence first getting over the heartache and then doing a lot of introspection and changing things about myself. I did identify a lot of things that I should have done differently in those relationships and have made a lot of effort in addressing those things about myself. But at the end of the day I know myself and I'm comfortable with who I am because I am at base a nice person; loving, loyal, honest, intelligent.

I'm not just all high on myself but I know my strengths and weaknesses, my positives and negatives - but nobody else does. Nobody else cares.
What's been crushing me for the past few weeks is the realization that outside of my child, I matter exactly 0% to the rest of the world. 
You don't matter. Nobody cares. Your existence is meaningless.

I set out on a mission to prove to myself that my own self-esteem and self-worth isn't dependent on anyone else. Instead of definitively proving that single point, I've learned that it's not that simple. Before recently, I did not know that loneliness and emotional co-dependence are two entirely different things. I thought "if you emotionally depend on other people, you are co-dependent and weak". I understand how silly that may seem to other people, but it made perfect sense to me. (and still kinda does, tbh)

There's a huge, planet sized weight absolutely crushing me recently. The pressure and weight of it is utterly soul crushing. Even now as I'm typing this, it's squeezing me so hard my eyes are leaking. There's not a car-crushing machine on earth with this kind of PSI.

It's the weight of loneliness and I cannot bear it any longer.

What do I do? I have zero idea how to get out of this pit of despair that I've inadvertently dug myself into.

 I have utterly and completely killed my dating/flirting mojo. 

The very thought of a relationship is... standing at the foot of the mountain, knowing you need to reach the summit, but it's a freaking mountain to climb and it's terrifying.

Assuming I could overcome those two things, what even is the point of a relationship if the primary goal is "i dont want to be lonely"? And now I've talked myself full circle back to where I started. What even is the point anyways? How can I trust anyone? How do I be normal trying to date with all this hogwash I just typed out floating around in my head? If I'm this depressed from loneliness, do I even have the right to bring that b.s. to someone else's door?

i can't take this. this is the first time i've spelled all of that out outside my own head.

The entire hour it's taken me to type all this has just amplified everything even more. I feel like Atlas has an easy job. I am broken and alone and I don't matter and I'm meaningless and useless and the only women interested in me are the crazy ones because sane women are repulsed by me and i dont even want to be alive and the only reason i didnt let myself die two days ago was because I CANNOT leave my child to navigate the world with the loss of his father at such a young age. i dont want this i never wanted any of this i never asked to be alive i dont want to be alive i dont want to die i am coming completely unglued and didnt realize it until just now there's not help or hope and what in the actual real hell am i supposed to do because i cant go on like this and i can't stop the ride and im stuck and i'm just going to click submit now before i workmyself up anymore i'm sorry to everyone for this long rambling host of nonsensical stujpid weakness.

[Jibralta]

Well, it sounds like you are very hard on yourself. 

Loneliness is at least as dangerous as diabetes. If you don't manage it, it can be very dangerous. I think your negativity is aggravating your loneliness even more. 

When you are not spiraling, what are some things that make you feel good? 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, JustADude79 said:

I'm 43 and I'm not sure which will kill me first - the diabetes or the loneliness.

 

Probably diabetes if you dont get it under control. Its more "frontal" desease in terms that it has direct consequences on health. Loneliness, stress, depression, are more "silent killers". Lots of people are "lonely". Especially after marriages and kids when they decide to not try again. Its not the end of the world. Though by your condition, you should talk to therapist about it.

Do you have anything to "fall back" to? I have a friend, he has an 11 year old kid, he isnt with the mother of his kid ever since kid was a baby. He has a minimum wage job and not too much social life. But he is a musician so he has his music and his kid is with him because he got full custody. So that helps him not to spiral a lot. Besides if you are going to try to date, you need to have at least something you feel good about. If you dont believe in a product you are selling, others wont too. 

[Andrina]

You can practice improving the reel going on in your mind. How about instead of: "I don't want to be lonely." You could say, "It'd be really great to have a companion to enjoy meals and activities with."

How about instead of lugging around useless luggage, you say to yourself: "I was young and dumb without enough dating experiences to know better, but now I'm older and have learned what I do and don't want."

It might make you feel better to have a must-have list and a dealbreaker list for dating, and stick to it. Have a wait and see attitude. Don't project to the future when dating. And realize you usually have to date a boatload of women to find a great match. So rein in your expectations. Just try to enjoy the moment for what it is, and not worry if this will end up being your forever person or a flash in the pan.

You might read books on how to achieve all this, giving you skills to work on. I learned better self-talk by reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. There are so many books to choose from on dating skills, positive self-talk, and ditching emotional baggage. I also advise getting a hobby you can be passionate about, because that energy draws people to you. You might even meet someone with that same passion for a hobby/interest--a starting point for compatibility.

No, dating isn't easy. After my divorce I had to go on dates with about 30 men before I found a keeper. Life is challenging and you have to learn to be resilient. Take care.