Red flag all over but i love her so much

[DMokujin]

Me (37M) broke up with my partner (36F) almost 3 weeks ago. We've been together for almost 2 years. We had a huge argument ended up with uncontrollable outburst from both side. She beat me up few times and throw me keys at my face and out of anger i did gave her huge slap. 

It all started since i have a huge stress that week regarding work and her. I do admit that it started from me how i belittle her and everything. I gave her harsh truth about her being and she cannot accept that telling me it hurts her so much about how low i think of her. I did think of all this for a long time but i never thought that i will bring it up to her face that day. This is our 2nd BU and been NC ever since the incident. The first one is year ago. BU for a week but i took her back in hope that situation will change.

She used to be successful business women (she said). But all i did see is someone who irresponsible with their life. She didn't have a driving license, has a car that she abandoned for 3 years, smoke almost 2 packs of cigarettes a day (40 sticks), procrastinate a lot, always boasting and talk about her successful past, didn't even have money and it's her brother who support her who buy her food buy her cigarettes and everything (he's not rich though). I always feel that she's pampered much by her family. Youngest brother who is 30 but never work in his life (also supported by the brother), another married brother who is 33 or 34 but just stay at home while his wife working. Also they are all irresponsible with money. 

I did try to find her work and job couple of time and it's lucrative one but she's not interested. She said she want to do her business along with her brother. But it took her a year just to design a business card and i have waited from Nov 22 till April 23 for her to show me the paperwork she is doing for her upcoming event project and it never finished. All the time she just playing mobile game and binge watching series. But i do understand and know that she has to take care of house chore and cook for her brothers.

All the time we went out together its always me who had to pay for her. But if she had money she didn't hesitate to pay. It gave me huge stress since im also in financial difficulties ever since Covid. We can't even plan something together since money always her issue.

I cant deny her love for me. I know she love me so much and that is why i stay and hope she changed. We even have one traumatic incident that i know will haunt me forever. I'm still crying when i think about it and when it knock in my head. I never cry this much in my adult life. That is one of reason i stay and try to work on this relationship. And now i feel that on top of the incident i lose someone i shared it with me. I miss her alot. I feel that i lose some part of me. This drives me crazy.

For the past weeks I've been doing self care, diet and work out (losing 8kg already), listen to the motivational podcasts and ask around for any new opportunity regarding work and job since i feel i make no progress in the last 2 years and i earn way less than i used to (been trying for 2 years now but no luck). Now I feel depressed and feel really lonely i dont know how to distract myself i love her so much

 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, DMokujin said:

 She beat me up few times and throw me keys at my face and out of anger i did gave her huge slap. 

This is our 2nd BU and been NC ever since the incident. all i did see is someone who irresponsible with their life. We even have one traumatic incident that i know will haunt me forever.

Sorry this happened. What was the traumatic incident? What was the other breakup about? 

It's best if you stay away from each other. Once violence enters the situation, it's better to step back and admit it isn't working out.

[DMokujin]

Loss of a child... 😔 i even held the child in my hand.. 

[DMokujin]

And this is why i reluctant to move away when i should

[DMokujin]

The other breakup also about the same issue where she is not moving in her life, her laziness

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, DMokujin said:

it started from me how i belittle her and everything. I gave her harsh truth about her being and she cannot accept that telling me it hurts her so much Treabout how low i think of her.

Treating someone like this is not to help the person -it's about you and your need for power and superiority in the name of "helping" her -you didn't respect or admire her talents, skills, qualities which is essential for a healthful long term - you took on this role of "sorry I'm just being so-called honest" so you could tell her what to do, how to live, what to change.  That's not loving as giving.  That's you getting off on a power trip.  Was she "honest" about your need to lose weight in this same way?

I'm so very sorry for your loss -I don't really know the context but it doesn't matter -I am so sorry about that. 

You two are a bad match.  She needs someone who accepts her as she is and who is loving and caring such that if she chooses to change she has a partner who will act in a supportive role -not a controlling one.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, DMokujin said:

 i did gave her huge slap. 

. I do admit that it started from me how i belittle her and everything. I gave her harsh truth about her being and she cannot accept that 

Were the police involved? Did she or her brothers get a restraining order against you? If you disagree with her lifestyle the solution is not picking fights and slapping her around. Please stay away from each other.

[DMokujin]

She did hit me first couple of time, hit my face few time and took a scissor to stab me and i slap her once. So yeah i should just move on 

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were the police involved? Did she or her brothers get a restraining order against you? If you disagree with her lifestyle the solution is not picking fights and slapping her around. Please stay away from each other.

 

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but your ex is a "leech". There are people who got used to "go by" in life. They get pampered by family(her brother took the role of her parents after she got into certain age), you pampered her in relationship and tomorrow if you had kids, her kids would have to take your role after you are not there. Because her parents didnt raised her properly to take care of herself so she needs to "leech" off other people. Proof? Out of 4 kids only 1 managed to rise above the family situation and even that one enables the other 3 to be leeches.

"Toxicity" is the other thing. You both are literally a case for police and domestic violence charge. It should never escalate to a level where one or both of you have to use violence. That is a mistake on both of you. Bottom line is that it didnt work. Work on bettering yourself, even go to therapy. And move on from somebody who really isnt fit to be a suitable partner.

[gamon]

Don't let this one go, she'll be snapped up by the next person who recognizes her value.