Me (37M) broke up with my partner (36F) almost 3 weeks ago. We've been together for almost 2 years. We had a huge argument ended up with uncontrollable outburst from both side. She beat me up few times and throw me keys at my face and out of anger i did gave her huge slap.
It all started since i have a huge stress that week regarding work and her. I do admit that it started from me how i belittle her and everything. I gave her harsh truth about her being and she cannot accept that telling me it hurts her so much about how low i think of her. I did think of all this for a long time but i never thought that i will bring it up to her face that day. This is our 2nd BU and been NC ever since the incident. The first one is year ago. BU for a week but i took her back in hope that situation will change.
She used to be successful business women (she said). But all i did see is someone who irresponsible with their life. She didn't have a driving license, has a car that she abandoned for 3 years, smoke almost 2 packs of cigarettes a day (40 sticks), procrastinate a lot, always boasting and talk about her successful past, didn't even have money and it's her brother who support her who buy her food buy her cigarettes and everything (he's not rich though). I always feel that she's pampered much by her family. Youngest brother who is 30 but never work in his life (also supported by the brother), another married brother who is 33 or 34 but just stay at home while his wife working. Also they are all irresponsible with money.
I did try to find her work and job couple of time and it's lucrative one but she's not interested. She said she want to do her business along with her brother. But it took her a year just to design a business card and i have waited from Nov 22 till April 23 for her to show me the paperwork she is doing for her upcoming event project and it never finished. All the time she just playing mobile game and binge watching series. But i do understand and know that she has to take care of house chore and cook for her brothers.
All the time we went out together its always me who had to pay for her. But if she had money she didn't hesitate to pay. It gave me huge stress since im also in financial difficulties ever since Covid. We can't even plan something together since money always her issue.
I cant deny her love for me. I know she love me so much and that is why i stay and hope she changed. We even have one traumatic incident that i know will haunt me forever. I'm still crying when i think about it and when it knock in my head. I never cry this much in my adult life. That is one of reason i stay and try to work on this relationship. And now i feel that on top of the incident i lose someone i shared it with me. I miss her alot. I feel that i lose some part of me. This drives me crazy.
For the past weeks I've been doing self care, diet and work out (losing 8kg already), listen to the motivational podcasts and ask around for any new opportunity regarding work and job since i feel i make no progress in the last 2 years and i earn way less than i used to (been trying for 2 years now but no luck). Now I feel depressed and feel really lonely i dont know how to distract myself i love her so much
