How often do people usually think about their ex?

[eastcoastgal]

Is is normal to think about your ex all the time? It has only been 2 months and we were only together a year and  half of and on. It was very emotional and I did still love him but since then I see that I am better off I am ok with moving on. I'm dating and talking to some very nice people. Why is he on my mind pretty much 24/7? Not so much him, but the things he did and the way it still makes me feel. He was abusive verbally and emotionally and he broke me. Of course I'm still hurt but I want to put it all behind me and move on, find a nice person an have a healthy relationship.

He's literally on my mind a soon as I open my eyes every damn day and all throughout the day. I still have dreams about him! Some are nice and some are about the abuse...

I want to get on with my life and this may affect my ability to do so ...and  he's still living rent free in my head with out my permission!!! Or at least the pain he caused is. But now I just don't care and I want to be free of it.

I'd like to know if other people experience this as well?

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

Trauma bonding

Quote

Trauma bonds can linger, even when the abuse happened long ago. You might struggle to stop thinking about someone who hurt you and feel the urge to reach out or try again.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#causes

I suggest you read it because it reflects your case. Its not easy to get over it especially after such small time frame. For now, consider yourself lucky you are out of it, dont contact him and give it time. If in due time you are unable to get over those feelings, I would suggest contacting professional. Might be a good idea to do it anyway since you suffered abuse.

[Batya33]

Yes. I have in the past. Meaning think about in that intense all consuming way. What helped me was keeping busy and redirection and making sure I had a fun and fulfilling life. Hope you feel better !

[Cherylyn]

Even though my story is not the same as yours, there are parallel feelings. 

Yes, it's normal to think about your ex all the time because it's only been 2 months for you.  Your nerves are still raw and very sore.  Give it time.  As each week,  month and year passes by,  you'll never completely forget about your ex but he will eventually become a mere blur.  Take it one day at a time.  Then there will be many days when he won't even be on your mind at all as you carry on with life moving forward all the time. 

Hopefully, he's no longer on your social media so he will become "out of sight,  out of mind" for you.  Good riddance! 

I've found that taking care of your health will improve your mental and physical well being so concentrate on that.  Make yourself a priority.  Get fit,  lose weight if you need to,  eat right,  work hard,  do what you enjoy whatever endeavors may be and the like.  You are dating and talking to nice people which is refreshing and positive.  Surround yourself with people who know how to behave properly and you will realize this is how it should be for you. 

The reason why he's on your mind 24 / 7 is because just like people,  you'll never forget how he made you feel; especially feeling awful with his verbal and emotional abuse.  I went through that even though my story is not the same as yours.  Bitterness and resentment are the same feelings and universal.  It broke me, too.  What helped me was changing the way I think.  Instead of remembering such painful memories,  transform those types of hurts into pure relief.  It was a relief that it's over so he can't hurt you anymore now that you've deliberately created a safe haven bubble of protection for yourself.  You need to think along these terms in order to evolve from negativity to feeling glad that you got rid of him from your life.  Eliminating bad people from your life is always for your benefit.  This is how you hang tough and remain strong.  Your convictions become unwavering,  steadfast and absolute.  There's no turning back.  Keep charging forward.

He will fade from your mind more and more.  2 months is still recent.  What helps me is realizing that the other person is most likely not expending the same amount of energy thoughts on you whatsoever.  Most likely, it's easier for them to move on so "repay the favor" by doing likewise.  He    doesn't care for you so don't care about him. 

I have feelings of contempt for those who've wronged me terribly but there are days when I feel rather numb and don't care.  Perpetrators aren't caring for me in any capacity so in my mind, I can treat them like dirt, too.  It works both ways and then I proceed living a content life which is the best revenge.  I know their lives have disadvantages so I feel grateful as I count my many blessings.  It always goes back to feeling relieved to have permanent boundaries or estrangement with unqualified people from my past.  Hopefully, you'll feel similar in order to heal and recover. 

Be good to yourself.  Take care @eastcoastgal.  It's a process.  Baby steps.  You will be fine. 

[eastcoastgal]

Oh thank you so much Cherylyn. You said the exact same things I've been trying to tell myself. He doesn't care about me and he never did and he's moved on and forgotten. I have to do the same thing. i don't care and I haven't for a while but the hurt and the shame still linger. And the anger but it's really not anger it's just pain.

Do I know why he treated me like that? Yes I think I do, he is massively insecure. Do I hate him for it? No, how can I, he has demons. It's not my fault I was not equipped to deal with any of it. I don't think I even wanted to...

It's really for the best that we are done and I can move on.

 

[kctiger]

It certainly is for the best as it liberates you from a toxic relationship that ultimately did not help you grow in any positive fashion. We all think about our exes and especially given that it's still raw, you think about him more. This breakup stuff is such an emotional cleanse but also a process that isn't linear. You go through peaks and valleys, wondering why the hell you continue to yearn for someone that clearly did not treat you the way you deserve to be treated. 

Time for yourself is critical. Spoil yourself. Explore your current emotional state and consider talking it out more. I'm not a therapist, I just play on on the Internet. The most insecure people in the world are also the best at tearing other people down. I've been in his shoes. There were moments I treated past girlfriends badly because it made me feel better about myself.  That's a him problem, not a you problem. 

For perspective, I'm over a year removed from a broken engagement and I still think about my ex. It's not nearly as painful anymore, but I certainly haven't forgotten her. 

Good luck!