If I'm (25F) going to be famous, should I make partners sign NDAs now?

[NeverEnough]

On 3/15/2023 at 8:27 AM, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

Cool! Makes sense. 

Time to get my freak on!

I am. And yes, I called him a "porn star" last time, which is not accurate. Let's call him adult content creator, lol. Same thing applies--no paying him for sex or recording us having potential sex.

 

 

I think the more pressing question here is why, being a virgin, are you considering linking up with some random, logistically convenient OF content provider to potentially "get you freak on"?

Call me old fashioned and cliche if you will but what ever happened to experiencing your first time with a loving partner with which whom you have had for a significant time and considerably  discussed this with?

 

[CherryRedOctopus7]

27 minutes ago, NeverEnough said:

I think the more pressing question here is why, being a virgin, are you considering linking up with some random, logistically convenient OF content provider to potentially "get you freak on"?

Call me old fashioned and cliche if you will but what ever happened to experiencing your first time with a loving partner with which whom you have had for a significant time and considerably  discussed this with?

 

Lol, have you seen the dating world? People are having a very hard time finding that "loving partner." I'll continue to date and try to meet guys in real life, but I don't feel the need to wait around anymore. I found someone I'm really attracted to and if he proves himself to be respectful, patient and discreet, I don't mind making him my sexual debut. 

[NeverEnough]

5 minutes ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

Lol, have you seen the dating world? People are having a very hard time finding that "loving partner." I'll continue to date and try to meet guys in real life, but I don't feel the need to wait around anymore. I found someone I'm really attracted to and if he proves himself to be respectful, patient and discreet, I don't mind making him my sexual debut. 

I have indeed. I still, however, Would rather look back upon a mistake I nearly made rather than a mistake I made.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

Lol, have you seen the dating world? People are having a very hard time finding that "loving partner." I'll continue to date and try to meet guys in real life, but I don't feel the need to wait around anymore. I found someone I'm really attracted to and if he proves himself to be respectful, patient and discreet, I don't mind making him my sexual debut. 

Just because a good match overall is hard to find (was for me!) doesn't mean you settle for less.  Is your standard really just "I don't mind?"  What's the rush?  Hold out for "I've found a man I admire, love, respect and he feels the same and we've been together for several months now (at least) and I know we'll enjoy making love because we are so attracted to each other and have so much fun together"

I waited.  I actually sort of gave in under pressure on the particular day but we'd been together over a year and we were in our early -mid 20s.  I don't regret it and enjoyed it more and more as we "practiced!"

[CherryRedOctopus7]

1 hour ago, NeverEnough said:

I have indeed. I still, however, Would rather look back upon a mistake I nearly made rather than a mistake I made.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Just because a good match overall is hard to find (was for me!) doesn't mean you settle for less.  Is your standard really just "I don't mind?"  What's the rush?  Hold out for "I've found a man I admire, love, respect and he feels the same and we've been together for several months now (at least) and I know we'll enjoy making love because we are so attracted to each other and have so much fun together"

I waited.  I actually sort of gave in under pressure on the particular day but we'd been together over a year and we were in our early -mid 20s.  I don't regret it and enjoyed it more and more as we "practiced!"

Sigh. I am beyond tired of waiting. This mythical "good match/the right one" is not coming. 

[CherryRedOctopus7]

1 hour ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

Sigh. I am beyond tired of waiting. This mythical "good match/the right one" is not coming. 

I'm just very discouraged.

But I didn't feel desperate in choosing the OF guys--excited, that's all. 

Can you all explain more why--mentally and emotionally--it's so bad to have sex with him for my first time if he turns out to be understanding and caring? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

-it's so bad to have sex with him for my first time 

It's not. As long as you practice safe sex, it doesn't matter.  As long as you don't have intentions to turn a sex worker into a relationship, a casual encounter may satisfy your curiosity and needs. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

I'm just very discouraged.

But I didn't feel desperate in choosing the OF guys--excited, that's all. 

Can you all explain more why--mentally and emotionally--it's so bad to have sex with him for my first time if he turns out to be understanding and caring? 

They don't "come" except in certain luck-related circumstances - you have to be the right person to find the right person and in most cases with rare exception you have to be proactive (but not desperate or needy of course).  

Here is how it would be for me-based on casual hookups I've had.  My standard isn't "would it be so bad" -why is yours? The reason it wouldn't be a good experience is because understanding and caring to me isn't enough -that's settling. 

Like, today I have to have extensive dental work and I've chosen my dentist because he is understanding and caring in the professional sense and I don't expect him to care aobut me as a person or what makes me tick as a person or whether I'll end up having a good day aside from hopefully not being numb for long/sore for long.  He will make sure what is done is not unncecessarily painful or unnecessarily uncomfortable. He will ask me if I'm ok if I say ouch or express discomfort.  He will understand if I'm unhappy from the procedure which like sex involves my body, my mouth and bodily fluids and a lot of trust!.  

But if I were to have intercourse with someone who was understanding and caring but wasn't my partner in the romantic and emotional sense and it was a one time thing or an arrangement where we would have intercourse when we felt like it and otherwise not get to know each other through dating, not see serious potential -I would appreciate the basic understanding and caring. 

And after I'd feel kind of empty, gross, icky and hopeful  for more even though the hope would not be rationally based.  I'd also be concerned about STDs and pregnancy because for me personally (just me!) I do not think I could have aborted a baby had I gotten pregnant except in very extreme circumstances.

I can only answer for me.  My standards are different from yours.  "Not so bad" shouldn't ever be part of choosing to have intercourse with someone IMO.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's not. As long as you practice safe sex, it doesn't matter.  As long as you don't have intentions to turn a sex worker into a relationship, a casual encounter may satisfy your curiosity and needs. 

I was extremely curious at age 17 and wanted to have sex with my high school sweetheart who was 18.  I loved him.  We'd been sexual and fooled around and he was so handsome and a great guy! I talked to my mom about it -we had that kind of relationship -and she and I realized that satisfying my curiosity and desire to have sex would not be worth all the potential downsides.  And she liked my high school boyfriend very much.  We didn't and I'm glad -just sharing my story -I felt exactly like you at that time.

[CherryRedOctopus7]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

all the potential downsides.

What would've been the downsides?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

What would've been the downsides?

Potential STD/accidental pregnancy (yes we would have used BC -which obviously can fail), feeling like I should have waited for a person I was going to marry (we had discussed the topic but of course we were so very young - he met his future wife in his sophomore year of college about a month after we broke up -I was entering freshman year of college- at a different college).  Feeling even more attached to him and then not having it reciprocated.  

He would not have been a bad choice at all. He did care for me a lot.  We were exclusive and dated for a very long time.  Certainly looking back I was way too young to take on the responsibilities of safe sex.  Also back then the AIDs epidemic and herpes were epidemic and no cure or real treatment for the former.

Please don't treat sex as something to get it over with.  Partly you want to I know but I sense  that partly you don't.  

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

What would've been the downsides?

He's a sex worker, so regular STD testing is a must. Condoms are a must. Getting emotionally attached to him is a strong possibility since you have no prior experience. You need to be OK with him having sex with others both emotionally and health-wise. And when you do meet the right man for you, are you going to disclose that you chose to have sex with a sex worker? Or keep it a secret?

And if you choose not to practice safe sex you could become pregnant. What is your plan if that happens? 

[CherryRedOctopus7]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Potential STD/accidental pregnancy (yes we would have used BC -which obviously can fail), feeling like I should have waited for a person I was going to marry (we had discussed the topic but of course we were so very young - he met his future wife in his sophomore year of college about a month after we broke up -I was entering freshman year of college- at a different college).  Feeling even more attached to him and then not having it reciprocated.  

He would not have been a bad choice at all. He did care for me a lot.  We were exclusive and dated for a very long time.  Certainly looking back I was way too young to take on the responsibilities of safe sex.  Also back then the AIDs epidemic and herpes were epidemic and no cure or real treatment for the former.

Please don't treat sex as something to get it over with.  Partly you want to I know but I sense  that partly you don't.  

But you two were young, in an exclusive relationship, and likely each other's first. You also could have tested beforehand for your first time together. The STD concerns in your situation don't make sense to me.

And being responsible with BC would have been the same responsibility you had when you decided to lose your virginity with whoever you decided to later on. 

It's not something I want to get over with. It's something I want to do.

[CherryRedOctopus7]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He's a sex worker, so regular STD testing is a must. Condoms are a must. Getting emotionally attached to him is a strong possibility since you have no prior experience. You need to be OK with him having sex with others both emotionally and health-wise. And when you do meet the right man for you, are you going to disclose that you chose to have sex with a sex worker? Or keep it a secret?

Now, regular STD testing and condoms is always a must, but he's not a sex worker who sleeps with other people, at least not for content. He makes masturbation content. 

Getting attached...that can happen to someone if they've had partners in the past too. 

I see no need to tell future Mr. Right he was a sex worker, especially when people's first thought is going to be prostitution. I'm just going to say I've had sexual partners before them, like 99% of the world.  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

But you two were young, in an exclusive relationship, and likely each other's first. You also could have tested beforehand for your first time together. The STD concerns in your situation don't make sense to me.

And being responsible with BC would have been the same responsibility you had when you decided to lose your virginity with whoever you decided to later on. 

It's not something I want to get over with. It's something I want to do.

Nope.  Because for my first time at age 24 we agreed that if I got pregnant we'd have the baby and get married. We used double BC.  I didn't get pregnant.  I only was with one man in my life where he'd have wanted me to abort.  I regret deeply that I ever had sex with him as I knew in my heart I couldn't have kept that promise.  I'm so lucky I didn't get pregnant.

There was no testing in the early 80s.  Yes I trusted him so less of an STD concern except for dormant stuff from his past relationship.  

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

Now, regular STD testing and condoms is always a must, but he's not a sex worker who sleeps with other people, at least not for content. He makes masturbation content. 

Getting attached...that can happen to someone if they've had partners in the past too. 

I see no need to tell future Mr. Right he was a sex worker, especially when people's first thought is going to be prostitution. I'm just going to say I've had sexual partners before them, like 99% of the world.  

Yes- I avoided casual sex with anyone as I knew I'd likely get emotionally attached.  I didn't have to try out casual sex to know that -I knew that about myself.  The men I had sex with were already emotionally attached to me and I to them.  And except for one in love with me with serious potential for marriage.  

You have no idea if your sex worker person has sex with others or not and the chances are high that he does since his livelihood is intensely connected to sexual activity.

He might publicize his sexual activities with you.  

[CherryRedOctopus7]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- I avoided casual sex with anyone as I knew I'd likely get emotionally attached.  I didn't have to try out casual sex to know that -I knew that about myself.  The men I had sex with were already emotionally attached to me and I to them.  And except for one in love with me with serious potential for marriage.  

You have no idea if your sex worker person has sex with others or not and the chances are high that he does since his livelihood is intensely connected to sexual activity.

He might publicize his sexual activities with you.  

I'm sure he has sex with other people, which I don't mind. But as for your bolded, true. Only thing that makes me hesitate. He could secretly record....

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

I'm sure he has sex with other people, which I don't mind. But as for your bolded, true. Only thing that makes me hesitate. He could secretly record....

Yes for sure.  Will you really enjoy having intercourse while worrying about that?

[Jaunty]

I'll tell you one thing:

Coming at your future first sexual experience from a point of view which includes "I'm gonna be famous," a professional public masturbator, and a non-disclosure agreement is quite telling. You're  not in the right place to do it.  

[CherryRedOctopus7]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I'll tell you one thing:

Coming at your future first sexual experience from a point of view which includes "I'm gonna be famous," a professional public masturbator, and a non-disclosure agreement is quite telling. You're  not in the right place to do it.  

What would you say is the right place?

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

What would you say is the right place?

With none of those situations in play. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

 Only thing that makes me hesitate. He could secretly record....

Although it's illegal to record you without permission, it's still possible. However if high risk sex is a fantasy you're enjoying fantasizing about, perhaps it will pass when you're ready willing and able to date suitable men.

You seem to have no concrete plans to carry out anything with this fantasy sex worker, just like you have no concrete plans to be 'rich and famous'. 

That's ok.  It's ok to have fantasies, however don't let it become a replacement for real life aspirations and relationships. All your questions are rhetorical in order to feed the fantasy and make it seem more real.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, CherryRedOctopus7 said:

What would you say is the right place?

You didn't ask me but I'll bite.

Even if you're ok with your first time being with someone you are not in a committed relationship with (which is totally fine I just get from you that doing it that way would be settling because you're not willing to be out there trying to meet the right person for a serious match) - right place is someone you trust as far as STD testing (that he's done it and abstained for the right amount of time before testing -at least that's how it used to work with HIV testing), where you have plans on your own that you are comfortable with if you get pregnant, and that you are bluntly honest with yourself about your expectations of the experience and after the experience. 

Also someone you trust as far as the discretion you want -and you've communicated this standard to the person (if you're not in a committed relationship he might not know). Not signing some piece of paper - I mean you trust the person's values and character.

[Batya33]

Also if you believe you are destined to be famous then you also know you will need to devote countless hours of your time to becoming and maintaining that fame, right? So I'll share this.  We had close family friends with kids around our ages.  In the early 90s one of the daughters had an affair with a married man.  She was single.  She used the birth control pill and used it properly. She got pregnant.  He had no interest in being a dad. 

She had the baby and the baby was of course a blessing and she loved being a mom and was and is a great parent.  The baby had very profound special needs which continued throughout his life.  So instead of pursuing her professional degrees and professional career -she already was highly educated and successful (she was in her early 30s) she moved back in with her parents so they could help with her son and modified her work schedule so she could care for him.  She also devoted tons of time and $$ to getting him the resources he needed for his special needs and diagnoses.  And typically with a child with special needs, the responsibilities don't end/decrease when the child is 18.  This I know from friends who have children with disabilities.  

Now you might know you would have an abortion -and from my understanding your sex partner can't stop you from having one even if he wanted to be a dad (I just don't know the legalities etc of this) - and that's fine -but you also might change your mind once discovering you are expecting a baby.  If instead you wait till you are in a committed relationship you have a better chance of having a baby with someone who might be amenable to being the stay at home parent as you continue your ascension to being famous, etc.  

People often trivialize these "accidents" because of how awesome BC is - it is actually pretty awesome - I never got pregnant until I wanted to and even then it took awhile -but I never thought I was particularly fertile lol.  

[boltnrun]

Has that online sex worker agreed to have sex with you? You may have already answered this but I don't recall.