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Not feeling wanted


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Good Morning Everyone,

im a little bothered by a lot of things that are going on in my relationship. I (M27), she (F31) have been together for 4 years and are engaged to be married later this year. We love each other dearly, however I lately don’t feel wanted by my partner. She used to be all over me. touchy, loving and intimate quite often.  Covid hit and we both let ourselves go a bit physically. Last year I took on a new role for my career, graduated with my masters, decided to continue my education by pursing another degree and she appeared to distance herself away from me. To add, last year I took the initiative to get back on track with eating healthy and maintaining a healthy workout plan.
 

She continued to distance herself. Now it’s gotten to the point where it’s constantly me trying to bring us in closer but she’s resistant and doesn’t see the issue here.  I’ve tried to push her into the right direction but constantly sees my gesture as an attack or a competition. (I’m not trying to compete) I just want us being closer to one another back. Intimacy is mostly initiated by me (9 times out of 10). I’ve discussed this to her about how it makes me feel and she often disagrees and says there is nothing wrong. 
 

i just want to hear another perspective on this issue and maybe how I should address it better. 

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30 minutes ago, Patriot95 said:

We love each other dearly, however I lately don’t feel wanted by my partner. She used to be all over me. touchy, loving and intimate quite often.  Covid hit and we both let ourselves go a bit physically. Last year I took on a new role for my career, graduated with my masters, decided to continue my education by pursing another degree and she appeared to distance herself away from me.

I'm just wondering if this is in ways like 'settling down'.  Like she's in the 'comfy mode' and no longer feels she needs to try as hard anymore. 

So you are sure your choice in pursuing another degree is what caused her to distant herself?

 

31 minutes ago, Patriot95 said:

She continued to distance herself. Now it’s gotten to the point where it’s constantly me trying to bring us in closer but she’s resistant and doesn’t see the issue here.  I’ve tried to push her into the right direction but constantly sees my gesture as an attack or a competition.

How do you mean as an 'attack'? Like pressuring her?

 

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I'm just wondering if this is in ways like 'settling down'.  Like she's in the 'comfy mode' and no longer feels she needs to try as hard anymore. 

So you are sure your choice in pursuing another degree is what caused her to distant herself?

 

How do you mean as an 'attack'? Like pressuring her?

 

Yes. Like pressure for her to make a change to get her confident in herself again. 

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5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I’m not a 100 percent sure but I will add here. She was in a phd program and failed out of it one year prior. She been trying to get back into the program. I’ve been doing everything I can on my end to ensure that she can effectively get back in to her program.  She currently has 2 kids. I do not have any of my own. I am a step father to them. I watch them when she studies, take care of them, constantly put her needs first because I want to promote a pathway to success for her achieve. And because it’s the duty I assumed the second I came into their lives  

 

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6 minutes ago, Patriot95 said:

Like pressure for her to make a change to get her confident in herself again. 

Well if she wants to change herself, then she will.  You can't make her change things, unless she see's the need to.

This may take time or never.  Is all up to what she wants .

If you see it is causing a stressor between you two, then stop doing it.

As for you feeling you have to initiate intimacy most of the time, I am wondering if this is what she is expecting now? For some, it is the guys who do that usually, lol.  So, she is maybe expecting that or wanting it.... You still are intimate I presume.

Or, do you mean she has totally backed off?  Like no longer wanting to hang out together, cuddle, etc at all anymore?

 

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6 minutes ago, Patriot95 said:

She been trying to get back into the program. I’ve been doing everything I can on my end to ensure that she can effectively get back in to her program.  She currently has 2 kids. I do not have any of my own. I am a step father to them. I watch them when she studies, take care of them, constantly put her needs first because I want to promote a pathway to success for her achieve. And because it’s the duty I assumed the second I came into their lives  

I see, so she has not yet been accepted back in ?

Fine if you're okay to being a step dad, but do be careful not to over step her role. She's still mom.

Are you now being the full time type provider for them?  Do you not work?

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Or, do you mean she has totally backed off?  Like no longer wanting to hang out together, cuddle, etc at all anymore?

 

For example. She constantly says she’s too tired for any intimacy. Her favorite words are “tomorrow for sure”. I get my hopes up, tomorrow comes “I’m to tired”. And it’s a never ending cycle. She never shows the initiative that she is even interested in Intamacy . She used to always be. It’s to the point now where  she’s not meeting my needs and now I’m reluctant to even meet hers. Sexual frustration to the max

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Fine if you're okay to being a step dad, but do be careful not to over step her role. She's still mom.

Are you now being the full time type provider for them?  Do you not work?

Absolutely. We have it clearly defined what the rules are in our house. 
 

the father is in the children’s life. We both currently work. We both have considerably good paying jobs. 

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11 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I see, so she has not yet been accepted back in ?

Fine if you're okay to being a step dad, but do be careful not to over step her role. She's still mom.

Are you now being the full time type provider for them?  Do you not work?

To add, she is also self conscious of her body and the last thing I want to do is put her in an uncomfortable intimate situation. I’m hurt because I put her and the kids first in everything I do. Always there for them. But when it’s my needs, they are impossible to meet?!?

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7 minutes ago, Patriot95 said:

To add, she is also self conscious of her body and the last thing I want to do is put her in an uncomfortable intimate situation. I’m hurt because I put her and the kids first in everything I do. Always there for them. But when it’s my needs, they are impossible to meet?!?

True.. to not feel wanted much anymore will hurt in the intimacy dep't.  And yah, that is part of a relationship.

I'm not sure it's truly her body image as an issue here.  Could it be a number of contributing factors?  She had kids, you say you both work and she's trying to get ahead again with phd program.  That's all pretty crazy workload 😕 .

I do see where she can be feeling too tired, lol.  So, can you two maybe arrange a 'date night', cpl times a month maybe?  One on one time is important.  Are her parents around.. or yours?  Someone who can also help with the kids?

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4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

True.. to not feel wanted much anymore will hurt in the intimacy dep't.  And yah, that is part of a relationship.

I'm not sure it's truly her body image as an issue here.  Could it be a number of contributing factors?  She had kids, you say you both work and she's trying to get ahead again with phd program.  That's all pretty crazy workload 😕 .

I do see where she can be feeling too tired, lol.  So, can you two maybe arrange a 'date night', cpl times a month maybe?  One on one time is important.  Are her parents around.. or yours?  Someone who can also help with the kids?

The time is always there because she splits custody with the child’s father. It would then be me making the plans for the date night. It feels like it’s just me wanting to do things with her but her not wanting to do things with me. There has even been a thought of her not being happy together or her “getting it from somewhere else.” I’m trying to be the best version of myself for her but anything I do is not making progress towards being closer. Maybe she doesn’t want to be?!? Here is another thing to make this crazier. We just had our wedding tasting this past week. The next day she says “ I really enjoyed having that dinner with you. “ but why don’t u show how excited you are to be with me. Action to me is everything. 

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Right... action.

But I'm still wondering if she's got the energy for all of these demands?

So, you feel it was after covid and then her schooling picked up again?

I feel you really need to have a heart to heart talk with her about how YOU feel now.. and soon. (write it all out on what it is you want to say, first?). Try to get to the heart of the matter on how/why she has changed so much in this.  Then ask her.. ' do you truly want to marry'? ( IMO, no one should rush into something like marriage if any doubts).

 

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Right... action.

But I'm still wondering if she's got the energy for all of these demands?

So, you feel it was after covid and then her schooling picked up again?

I feel you really need to have a heart to heart talk with her about how YOU feel now.. and soon. (write it all out on what it is you want to say, first?). Try to get to the heart of the matter on how/why she has changed so much in this.  Then ask her.. ' do you truly want to marry'? ( IMO, no one should rush into something like marriage if any doubts).

 

Or is it me because I’m juggling all this at once and my expectation is that she’d be able to handle it too? Would that be a reasonable assumption?

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3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Right... action.

But I'm still wondering if she's got the energy for all of these demands?

So, you feel it was after covid and then her schooling picked up again?

I feel you really need to have a heart to heart talk with her about how YOU feel now.. and soon. (write it all out on what it is you want to say, first?). Try to get to the heart of the matter on how/why she has changed so much in this.  Then ask her.. ' do you truly want to marry'? ( IMO, no one should rush into something like marriage if any doubts).

 

She was dismissed after Covid. I continued to push through my masters till completion. I’m not trying to hurt her here, you know. I’d walk the blade for my family. I love this girl and I’m 100 percent sure I want to marry her. I’ve taken every external factor off her plate to ensure that she succeeds. Am I asking for too much?

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Well every relationship has it's challenges and I do agree if she's not 'giving' anything really to you.  ( and as for 2 x's a week.. heck it's something at least) 😉 , lol

I know you love her and there are always challenges.. i was referring to asking her if she is truly wanting to marry right now. (as your post says, you are not feeling wanted). Maybe is just too much going on at this time in your lives.  And often, if someone's feeling too much pressure, they'll snap, or pull away to try & get some peace.

 

 

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Well every relationship has it's challenges and I do agree if she's not 'giving' anything really to you.  ( and as for 2 x's a week.. heck it's something at least) 😉 , lol

I know you love her and there are always challenges.. i was referring to asking her if she is truly wanting to marry right now. (as your post says, you are not feeling wanted). Maybe is just too much going on at this time in your lives.  And often, if someone's feeling too much pressure, they'll snap, or pull away to try & get some peace.

 

 

I’ll have to slow down but it’s a hard pill to swallow. I’m certain she wants to get married. 100% but I’m sour my needs kinda have to slow down. But this may be something that has to be done to maintain this relationship. What do you suggest a good plan of action is. I tend to get drastic and think not pursing her at all because of my needs not being met is the best answer. But I think there is other ways to get past it in a healthier way. 

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2 times a week is not unusual for a long-term relationship, OP. I don't know many couples who are still going at it 5+ times a week after they settle in together. While that's typical in the earlier phases, it usually slows down as you become more used to each other and the initial thrills wear off. 

Having said that, it's clear you are feeling unheard in other areas as well. She isn't going to change for your benefit. It has to be for herself. If she's not doing so, you can assume that she either doesn't really want to or isn't truly ready to. If she more or less remains the person she is today for the rest of your life, would you still want to proceed with the wedding? 

 

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

2 times a week is not unusual for a long-term relationship, OP. I don't know many couples who are still going at it 5+ times a week after they settle in together. While that's typical in the earlier phases, it usually slows down as you become more used to each other and the initial thrills wear off. 

Having said that, it's clear you are feeling unheard in other areas as well. She isn't going to change for your benefit. It has to be for herself. If she's not doing so, you can assume that she either doesn't really want to or isn't truly ready to. If she more or less remains the person she is today for the rest of your life, would you still want to proceed with the wedding? 

 

If she remains the same. I’ll still want to but I’m trying to learn to deal with this now and cool off my high drive before things are finalized. Obviously in a healthy way. 

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5 minutes ago, Patriot95 said:

What do you suggest a good plan of action is. I tend to get drastic and think not pursing her at all because of my needs not being met is the best answer. But I think there is other ways to get past it in a healthier way. 

Well, as mentioned, you do still have some intimacy here.... so, you can do your own thing as well 😉 .

How about your life outside of this relationship?  Do you have friends to hang out with?  is good to not lose this.  Get out more, take a walk, work out, do your hobbies, a sport, etc.

is still good to not always be in each others face. But give some space . Is fine to do some things on your own.  And yeah, take what you can get.  it's not totally gone.

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Well, as mentioned, you do still have some intimacy here.... so, you can do your own thing as well 😉 .

How about your life outside of this relationship?  Do you have friends to hang out with?  is good to not lose this.  Get out more, take a walk, work out, do your hobbies, a sport, etc.

is still good to not always be in each others face. But give some space . Is fine to do some things on your own.  And yeah, take what you can get.  it's not totally gone.

So funny you mention this. I have friends but I am a grinding fool when it comes my career and school. I’m 27. Work and school is all I know. No breaks. I workout everyday. But I don’t have a hobby. I’ve been trying to find one but it appears everything I look into disinterest’s me. It’s so sad. 
 

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6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Well, as mentioned, you do still have some intimacy here.... so, you can do your own thing as well 😉 .

How about your life outside of this relationship?  Do you have friends to hang out with?  is good to not lose this.  Get out more, take a walk, work out, do your hobbies, a sport, etc.

is still good to not always be in each others face. But give some space . Is fine to do some things on your own.  And yeah, take what you can get.  it's not totally gone.

I have recognized that I need a hobby quite some time ago but can’t find anything. 

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Oh right... so you do have a lot on your plate as well atm.  But to get out with buddies once in a while can help maybe.  I hope she's okay with this?  No reason not to.

But yeah, it is a lot going on for you as well, at this time & age... already, 2 insta-kids, planning to marry, work & schooling.

 

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