Confused by my feelings for ex after breakup

[Growingup1]

Background:

Broke up for good with my ex 5 months ago, after 4 years (1 together, 3 on/off). He always did the breaking up. During the 'offs' we usually stayed in contact, in this weird limbo of sort of being "friends" and "being more than that". The offs lasted between 2-4 months before getting back together. The on's were even shorter. Usually initiated by me, but often as a result of him sharing he was still in love with me and felt he couldn't live without me, however hard he was trying to move on. Also, 5 out of the 6 offs (including this latest one) he dated other women, 4 in total (including one woman twice - apparently it was just sex the 2nd time). 

Now:

We've been broken up with 0 contact (for the first time and initiated by me) for the last 5 months and I still think about him all of the time. A friend told me he is now in a new relationship.

With all the above I don't understand why I feel the way I do because logically I know why it wouldn't have worked (for me) and have know it for a long time. Some of those reasons include: 

- I didn't always find him handsome. I had to push through on our first date to see past the unattraction. (The attraction has always been on and off)

- He didn't know how to be emotionally open with me. Everything was surface level. Nothing deeper.

- My siblings didn't like him, for whatever reason from the very beginning. They found him odd and pretentious.

- His 🍆 is on the small side. And the sex was often same-y. Last time we were sexually active I didn't feel any sensation during, including when he performed oral. It was like my body was switched off. 

- He was quick to discard me and replace me with other females anytime we were off. Despite telling me he was going to take time for himself. 

- He made snide comments about me "not having" hobbys, how his type is "athletic" women. Which made me feel like I am not enough and undesirable. I'm on the curvier side. 

- His vibe often made me feel anxious and self-conscious in his presence. 

- I didn't feel cared for by him. He could go 1-2 days without hearing from him. Unless I made contact.

- He isn't the man I first fell in love with. The person he is, is very different, almost opposite to the guy I first met 4 years ago.

I know deep down a lot of my emotions and feelings are routed in fear. Fear of being alone for the rest of my life, never loving again, never having children and a family of my own and never getting married. 

I know this is irrational, but the situation, fears and anxieties are so extreme that I am often tearful and at times don't see the point of being alive. Like what am I living for in this lonely existence? I have a very loving family who I could never hurt by hurting myself. My family and the tini bit of hope I have left that things might get better one day, is what's keeping me going at the moment. 

I know this not actually about him. I think I just miss companionship (1:1 closeness with a man) for the simple mandane things, and if I'm honest...sex. 

Since moving back to my home town I haven't made any new friends and many of the friendships I had seem to have all come to a natural end. I maybe have 5 actual friends but they all live 2-3 hours away. So I am feeling incredibly lonely. 

I will be starting with a therapist after new years. And I am hoping to see my physician next week about getting some anxiety medication. Because on top of everything else, I am also not sleeping at all...since the breakup 5 months ago. 

If you have made it this far, thank you for reading. I just needed to voice my feelings and confusing thoughts. To get them out of my head and out there.

If you feel like commenting, please be kind. This is probably the lowest I have ever felt. 

Thank you.  

[remerz]

Omg. I just broke it off with my fiancé three weeks ago and there’s a lot of similarities here (you can read my post if you want). The thing is is that right now you’re in a very vulnerable time and you fear his absence because you want companionship. But remember that that is never a good reason to stay with somebody, especially if they’re not checking all your boxes. You just listed out so many reasons why he wasn’t the one for you. Can you wake up and see this man by your side every morning? Do you want to grow old and wrinkly with him? Do you respect and value each other unconditionally? Can you see him fathering your children, truly? That is what you should be asking yourself. If it was rocky before, it will always be rocky. You don’t just want companionship. You want stability. You want someone who doesn’t just say they can’t live without you, but actively shows it. And doesn’t jump from woman to woman, only to go running back to you because you’re familiar and comfortable and will always take him back. You know you deserve and want better. You want stability and deep, deep attraction. It’s something that all humans crave. And you will find it! xo

[Batya33]

I’m sorry you’re hurting.  I think you mostly miss being part of a couple and miss the back and forth drama even - it’s distracting and safe - safe because you never really had to be vulnerable to him given the on and off.  The “good news” is you don’t truly miss him and you didn’t lose your best friend.  I’m so glad you’re seeking therapy.  Good for you.  I hope your holidays are peaceful and rejuvenating. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Growingup1 said:

I will be starting with a therapist after new years. And I am hoping to see my physician next week about getting some anxiety medication. 

Sorry this is happening. You seem to have insight into the painful nature of on/off relationships.

It's great you are seeing a physician and getting your physical and mental health evaluated and support through a therapist.

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with unhealthy attachments and lack of other opportunities.

Do you work? Go to school? Consider joining some groups and clubs. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Get involved in sports, fitness and nutrition. You'll make friends and improve your physical and mental wellbeing.

It's important to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Try not to allow yourself to be vulnerable to a bad situation like this. While familiar, at some level you know it's toxic.

You're doing the right thing taking care of yourself and your health. That's the best place to start.

[Growingup1]

Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate your advice and kind words. 

This has been the most difficult Christmas period of my life. My only goal for each day is to stay alive.