9 years later and two children.....and I've found her once more.

[villagehero]

 

I can't believe I'm about to type these words. I'm trembling. But it happened—the constant dreams, the intuition I wanted so bad to stop yet would always persist, the blind hope. 

"I love you. I tried so hard for so many years to force myself to stop loving you, especially after all you did to me, but I ***ing love you and I want to be with you. "

9 years together. 9 years apart. She escaped an absolutely horrendous domestic abuse situation that she kept me (or anyone) from ever finding out about.  The DJ. 

For 7 years she was a victim of physical violence. Her narcissistic abuser would control every ounce of mental capacity from her. And he did so by always reminding her of how bad I was.   Of how he would never treat her that way and that no matter what I was the enemy. And when she would step out of line, she would be punished. 

It broke my heart when I found out. She didn't deserve that. No woman does. 

It also enraged every cell in my body. I've never wanted so bad to physically hurt someone. But everything finally finally made sense. 

The arguments between her and I, the negativity, the hate coming from her was simply a symptom. She was ashamed of telling anyone of her predicament yet could not leave so it manifested in anger and resentment. But to me. 

Thankfully, our daughter was never present and herself not harmed, but I'm afraid it only would of been a matter of time. 

The last year and a half has been a lesson in empathy and understanding. I became a friend. Someone that she could trust to have her back and protect our daughter. 

And somehow through all of that and underneath and a decade of separation, our hearts have found each other again. 

But now I have to figure out my current relationship. The one that I wanted to end but could not due to the pregnancy and legal status. The mother of my other  child. A life i've been trying to assimilate and accept but only find myself wanting to leave. Constantly depressed and feeling alien in my own body. Not because she's a horrible partner but because I stayed as a logisitical decision to guarantee my son's mothers' residency here. But deep down in my heart of hearts she wasn't the one I loved. She wasn't my soulmate. 

Quote

Posted February 12, 2014

...When I was in college around 2004 I met this beautiful, young, Caribbean girl named "Mary."

 

"Mary" is who I believed to be my soulmate and one that I lost because of my immaturity, insecurity, and inexperience.  

She was the song I carried deep in my heart. The love that I would endlessly try to replicate and recreate but failed miserably. The way she loved me was unlike anything I ever had and 9 years later she sings to me once more. 

This is ***ing crazy. I don't want to hurt anyone but I also realize what all of this means:

The beginning of the end and the end of the beginning. 

 

VH

 

[MissCanuck]

You need to end your current relationship. You aren't really in love with her, so it's best to let her go. 

But don't fall into the trap of assuming everything will now be a beautiful love story with your ex, either. It sounds like there is an awful lot of drama there. Maybe you can make it work together now, or maybe it will all fall apart again. You need to prepare yourself for either outcome. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, villagehero said:

  The one that I wanted to end but could not due to the pregnancy and legal status. 

It seems like you are living in an idealized past, nostalgic about your youth and having some midlife crisis issues.

It's odd you feel you made the wrong decision by doing the right thing. And resent your wife for it.

Keep in mind that you built a life with your wife because your "soulmate" chose someone else.

She may be rebounding or need friends right now, but entering another white knight situation won't make you happy in the long run.

Whether you're happy or not with your life right now may have a lot less to do with your wife or "the one that got away", and more to do with whatever else is going on inside you.