Girlfriend with High Negativity becomes a bad mix...Help me!

[Supaman]

Ok, well thankyou anyone for taking the time to read this and thankyou again if you respond with help. Sorry it is abit long.

 

Here is alittle information before the problem:

My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to 11 months now, and we have been doing great. There is only one problem I can see in the relationship but it is not something that will ever bring me to breaking up with her.

 

Problem:

My girlfriend is almost always thinking the most negative thing about any serious subject. Example: Grades, she is always mad that her parents push her for getting A's and only A's. I understand her parents are pushing her and all, but think in the future, if she continues getting straight A's she will be going to any college she wishes for free. I get that through her head but she still stays on the negative side about it.

 

The first few months of us dating there was no negative talk, and I partially think that was just because she was not completely comfortable talking to me and what not so she hid herself for awhile, but when 5 or 6 months rolled around I starting getting more and more negativity and more and more Drama.

 

Alittle about the Drama...She helps just about anyone who asks for help. I know it is nice and all and I used to do it, I would try to get her to stop cause it puts yourself into a little depression and I see it in her after everytime she helps out someone. Any advice on how to get her to lower the help? (Im not talking about Enotalone, I mean like people in school, around the neighborhood, etc.)

 

Does anyone know how I can help her to start thinking positive about things in her life instead of the negatives? Any answers would be appreciated.[/u]

[Celadon]

Just a thought ... maybe you can ask her what she'd like to have happen. We all need to vent sometimes, but if it seems like she's stuck, perhaps you can draw her out to think a little bit about what she wants.

 

Her parents push her, for example: maybe she'd like them to lighten up, or show some confidence in her, or accept her as she is.

 

I'm not suggesting you tell her what to do (women want to be listened to, not just told what to do). Your role could be help her to think more clearly about what she's doing. If she's constantly getting depressed, does she realize that? Does she want to continue doing it? If she does, you may have to put up with her helping everyone.

 

You can also make observations. Like, "Oh, you seem to be getting down after you help people. It's hard for me to see you this way. Are you okay?"

 

Some people's self-esteem gets tied up in how many people "need" them, by the way. They don't tend to listen to other people, because they are afraid that if people don't need them, then they're worthless.

 

Anyway, hope some of this helps.

[sunnihunni]

your girlfriend sounds a bit like myself, you sound a bit like my boyfriend...and your problem sounds alot like what we recently went through...if your location didnt say florida i might think i was about to give advice on my own relationship. lol.

 

first of all, have you asked your girlfriend why she views things the way she does? i know that i had quite a few family problems when i was younger and went through quite alot that led me to be a bit jaded now. not all the time, but sometimes i can get very cynical and bitter about things and get very sad...and other times im perfectly happy. i just get in moods sometimes.

 

anyways...that causes alot of friction between me and my boyfriend sometimes even though he was absolutely wonderful and completely supportive all the time. he told me (much like what you said) that he would never break up with me over it because he loved me too much and when things were good, they were amazing!

 

for about 2 months now though i have been perfectly fine and back to my normal happy self...the last time i was really sad i picked a fight with my boyfriend (the only real fight we've ever had in over a year) and it got really out of hand. i was so upset with myself for taking things out on him that i pushed him and literally forced him into saying that maybe we should break up..i kept telling him that i knew it was what he wanted and i wasnt going to do it for him and yelling at him...finally he just said "maybe we should take a break or break up" and the moment i heard him actually say it i freaked out....the thought of loosing him just killed me especially because i knew i had pushed him into it and it wasnt really what he wanted.

 

but something about that night made me snap out of whatever it was that bothering me because ever since then ive been happy and fine and we've been as strong as ever.

 

i dont know what to tell you to help her besides always be there for her...and never get frustrated or give up on her. keep talking to her and try to find out why she views things as negatively. maybe remind her how happy and positive she used to be...and try to find out what changed...make sure she knows she can talk to you and you wont judge or be frustrated. just be there for her and try to help!

 

sorry that was so long...but good luck with this

 

if you need to talk to someone please feel free to PM me...id like to be of any help i can!