Need advice - heartbroken and hoping for the best

[Tom009]

Hi all,

Trying to get some insight and advice here on my scenario. My ex girlfriend broken up with me, and we are in about 2 months NC now. We were together for more than 10 years, and in the recent year, she has been dropping hints and asking about our future. I am too stupid to ignore her on this, as I was too pre occupied with my career and thought that she will always be here for me.

She has always asked me what my plan was, and I would always avoid the question, not because I didn't want to share my plan, but I wanted my plan to come as a surprise when the time comes.

And finally, after more than 10 years together, I think she gave up on me. We meet for one final time and I tried to ask her to give us a chance, she said she need to think about this. She told me that she feels that there is no future with me as I still did not ask her for marriage and shared my plan, which I agree was my mistake. She said rather than wasting time with me, its better if she can try her relationship with others instead who would want to marry her.

I asked her not to jump to such conclusion and give us another chance, she said she is unsure. I shared that to me, she is already my wife, and I did want to have children with her in the future.

Before she leaves our final meeting, she actually promised me that she will still reply my messages, and promise to meet me one more time later, as there are still things that I wanted to share.

Due to this, I continue communicating with her via text messages. On the first week after this, she still responds normally, but later, her text messages got less and less, and I panicked, and on the third week, I finally asked her about it as she has promised that we can keep communicating till our next meetup. I told her I am really hurt by her her action where she keeps on ignoring me,  (its a mistake I know), and she finally blocked me everywhere. I asked her to just tell me what she thinks, if she would have tell me she needed the space, I would have pulled back. But because she promised that we could still communicate, that was why I kept up with the messaging till I am blocked.

After that, we went NC till now as I start doing more research on what to do. I did not really do much begging and harassing, other than texting more on the final few days before she blocked me. I thought it was ok to keep texting her, as she promised earlier we can still be in touch via text where she promised that she will always reply, and also promised to meet me one more time earlier, but now everything is gone.

I have read from ebook that a female that is around her age, 32, is facing pressure on building a family due to their biological clock limit, and to them, their cut off date that they most likely given themselves will be 35. This could be one of the main reason of her giving up, but I will never know what's the main reason now as we were not able to meet one more time to talk things through. Or it could be another guy.

My friends and others have advice me to contact her again even though I am blocked to let her know what my plan really is, and to tell her that I really wanted to get married, as she could have given up hope on me due to this, but at the same time, from the research I did from reading the forum and others, its best to keep doing NC especially when I am blocked.
So I am really confused right now on what to do. She has always dropped hints and wanted us to talk about the future before the break up, but at the same time, if she really loves me she would have given me another chance to talk about my plan if she really wanted, before deciding to cut me off without finding out.
So would like to get some feedback from others here, what is the best way to move forward? Keep doing NC, or to find a way to contact her again to let her know, that i really had a plan to get married and I am not just neglecting her?

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Tom009 said:

 .My friends and others have advice me to contact her again even though I am blocked to let her know what my plan really is, and to tell her that I really wanted to get married, 

Sorry this happened. How old is she? Unfortunately you are not compatible. She wants marriage and family and you wasted a decade of time passively coasting along in limbo on this.

It's good she blocked you. That way you can move forward in peace and realize there's a reason you were just coasting along and didn't really respect her time or goals.

Your "friends and others" are wrong unless you want a restraining order against you.

Leave her alone do not circumvent blocks. You didn't respect her while you were with her and you still don't. Stop it.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Tom009 said:

She has always asked me what my plan was, and I would always avoid the question, not because I didn't want to share my plan, but I wanted my plan to come as a surprise when the time comes.

I'm sorry but that makes zero sense and sounds like an excuse. You don't spring your life plan as a "surprise" on your partner. 

2 hours ago, Tom009 said:

I asked her not to jump to such conclusion

She didn't jump to any conclusion. She waited a decade and made a decision based on your inertia and lack of any indication you shared the same goal as her. 

2 hours ago, Tom009 said:

if she really loves me she would have given me another chance to talk about my plan if she really wanted, before deciding to cut me off without finding out.

She gave you 10 years of chances, Tom. You missed the boat there, over and over. 

2 hours ago, Tom009 said:

My friends and others have advice me to contact her again

Your friends are giving you bad advice. If she has blocked you, she doesn't want you to contact her. And she certainly doesn't care here about your plan anymore. 

I am sorry this happened, but you're too late now. She's already detached enough to end a 10-year relationship. Coming to her now saying you want to get married is like offering water to someone who was parched months ago - they don't need or want your offer anymore. 

Perhaps take some time to reflect on why you never had any urge to keep her forever until now, when you lost her. Maybe this wasn't exactly the relationship of your dreams either and you're only panicking and fantically scrambling because your boat has been rocked, but not because you genuinely are in love with her anymore. 

[Tanzi]

But did you really have a plan to marry? It doesn’t sound like you did … not until it was too late.

I really am sorry you are going through this but it sounds as though she really tried over the last year to understand where the relationship was going (and who wouldn’t after 10 years) but you kept avoiding the question because you didn’t “want to share your future plan” with her. You are supposed to be on the same page as your partner with things like this. Instead you made her feel as though there wasn’t a future.

She didn’t “jump” to any conclusions, she gave you plenty of opportunities over the last year to discuss your future plan but you basically pushed her further and further away. Now all you can do is respect her wishes. Give her the space she needs to sort through her thoughts and feelings. You owe her that much. She knows how you feel. The ball is in her court. Wait to see if she plays it back. Meanwhile, take some time for yourself and reflect on why you didn’t want to share your future plans with her. Maybe the space will give YOU an answer too.

 

[Tom009]

Thanks much for all your feedback. You guys are the best.
Yes I do agree that I shouldn't circumvent the block.

Wiseman, she is 32 yrs old.

And I know I played a big part in her leaving.
Yes I do have plan to marry. She is the love of my life. I had always wanted to be with her. But I took things for granted. I should have discuss marriage with her and tells her about my plan, but I was too dumb and too focus on my career, neglecting her along the way, and always thought there is still time.

This is a wake up call to me, and how much I wish I could turn back time to correct this. I was dumb, I have wanted to propose, and I just wanted to achieve a little bit more in my career to give her the best that I could offer. I should have discussed with her on this during the relationship on the timing. I thought being loyal and being together was the most important thing. This is my mistake.

And now, there is no more chance to talk to her again. I am sad, thought we are still open to fix this as discussed with her during our previous meet up.

 

[NLYid88]

Tom I feel you buddy. I was recently in a relationship that broke down after 5 years also because of a lack of forward momentum (amongst other things). 
 

let me share a few things that may help you, 

 

1. you cannot change the past- be honest with yourself about why you didn’t propose earlier if she was the love of your life. Personally I had to accept that I delayed because I had doubts, and those doubts are 100% valid. While this breakup hurts now and you are looking back on it thinking that you definitely did want to marry her, you must be honest with yourself about the reasons that you didn’t. This will require some honest self reflection but the answer will hopefully allow you see things a little clearer. 
 

2. Men are generally far more happy to trudge along in a relationship that women. The biological clock is ticking very much in our favour. Try to be empathetic about this. 
 

3. I suggest some space for a bit. Stop telling yourself that she is the love of your life, and woe is me and see if you can reframe the relationship in a way to make this an opportunity to grow. If you weren’t ready to marry after ten years, would you have ever been if she didn’t force this break?

 

4. Give her space and respect her wishes. If it’s meant to be, she will reach out. 
 

5. Don’t beat yourself up about what you should have done. If you treated her well and the main issue is that you guys became stagnant then she should remember you with fondness. Don’t do anything to ruin that now.