Everything in my life is not ok. 20f. Need advice

[Alliena]

Really need advice - sorry this is so long

I’m very depressed and cannot get myself to study at all. Rn the course I am on is probably barely salvagable but possibly could happen with a few resist over summer but I just want to give up.

 

Lost all my friends in uni because I am in a very toxic relationship (both ways), even my friend since 3 yrs old helped me out by hanging out with me and listening to my story of what happened and my friend later ditched me because i got back with the bf after a month over xas at parents house away from him because my parents house was unbelievable ( mum is very emotionally not ok with me for example I told her my bf would go behind my back and tell my friends bad thungs about me one example is a friend revealed it to me that my bf was saying “you don’t want to be friends with her, she is an alcoholic” - while he drinks way more and encourages me to. And then at my parents house I tell mum I want to stop drinking and she just says oh so your bf was right, you are just a pathetic alcoholic. And she always yells at me, tells me how *** I am, very stupid etc( all my life, have had 3 sessions with a therapist talking about this). Just very controlling, she does demonstrate a lot of qualities of an engulfing narcissistic mum).  So when I came back all alone ( fizzled out with friends over parents house area so didn’t meet anyone other then visiting family over xmas) i was very depressed and wanted very badly to have company and some love and my bf was depressed without me and very nice suddenly to me so i hung out with him etc and then we got bcak together very quickly. My friend from 3 yrs old stopped hanging out with me completely after he found out (to be fair I did hide the fact from my friend because was scared he would not want to be friends m, ***). 

So everyday I am alone now also in my flat (bf is very controlling and manipulative imo over seeing people cause he gets angry when I do go out or when I text people without telling him even “shared friends”) so being alone and literally now only having him  and don’t even call my mum at all because it stresses me so much. I also no money at all - literally . I have currently 0 pounds in bank and because of not wanting to ask money from parents (thery offer food deliveries but my mum would question me and mock me and awkward picking up the food and get her nose in my life again) I am with  bf partly because of money and he is really great in paying for food etc. I do have some slight friends that are great but because I never hangout with them, I am not close with them). But i am extremely depressed, uni is unsalavagable (possible a pass is scrapable) becuase cannot bring myself to study and missed evey lecture this year, etc. I really want to just get a job, live in uni accommodation for a bit, pay some money continuously to my bf (for food money i owe) and then move out of the student accomodation to live nearby then with a deferred year or something, go do second year at uni again. Would mean I can have me time - wont be juggling back and forth between emotionally taxing relationships - narc mum and toxic relationship with bf and also no longer surrounded by ex friends who ignore me rightfully so (continue going back to the relationship after everyone advises me again and again not to). 

So what do you suggest I do? Struggle to pass (while I am super low mood and can barely bring myself to face studying) or do the job and move out?

Thank you for the advice im advance and also sorry for the long post.

 

 

Ps- bf stuff: had to call the police on him a few times, hitting me and me him back,  he pins me down physically a lot and I don’t do anything back but sometimes retaliate and fight gets worse and so that is how it gets two sided( in the 1st uni year he used to just hit walls next to my head but i cannot believe now it is somtimes me and sometimes him, he loves pinning me down shouting horrible thing in my ear such as you are narc like your mum and then later when I bring it uo to yim he says i was hugging you. he always mocks me infront of people, we both shout everyday, we both drink a lot of alcohol, i am super attached to him and he says he is to me, he is extremely controlling, very angry all the time, i am mean to him tho because i have a lot of resentment towards him for all the things he has done to me and it sometimes comes bubbling out so I say leave my room i breka up( but get back withing a few hours when calemd down).

 

Mum is narc and bf is toxic - want to give up everything, so depressed and so alone. (20 f)

[Rose Mosse]

It’s unlikely you’ll hold down a job living with an abusive boyfriend.

Put the studies on hold if you need to, talk to your doctor about quitting drinking and that you have a problem with drinking, stop drinking and find support in your area.

Get rid of this boyfriend and kick him out. You’re going nowhere fast with a relationship like that and he’ll always be holding you back. 

 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Alliena said:

I’m very depressed and cannot get myself to study at all..i am extremely depressed

You need to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

 Apply for scholarships and welfare assistance. You are over 18 so your parents to not have to clothe, house, feed or educate you.

You're also responsible for your own health and choices in friends and relationships.

 

[greendots]

The key here is to get away from all the toxic people in your life and get your life back on track.

In order to do that, are you able to talk to a professional in your university about your situation (including the heavy drinking)? They should be able to tell you if there's any housing / room available for you, they might now about jobs as well -even help you apply to some if there's like a career service available where you study- and they might be able to hook you up with a free / low-cost tutor so you don't fall behind at school. Universities tend to have all sorts of services to help students. Take advantage of that.

The previous posters gave you some good suggestions too.

It's not too late to turn your life around. You will get through this! One step at a time 🙂.

 

Edited to add: A chaplain at your school might be able to help you out as well. I've found them to be resourceful in the past.