Pushing people away

[mgirl]

Hi there,

 

I have this problem. I was reading on another forum about 'self defeating personality disorder'. Anyway, i think this is me.

 

I am 35, single, well educated and not all that unattractive (well, that's what other people say).

 

Anyway, the problem is that whenever i am attracted to anyone, i freak out and launch a pre-emptive strike on them, almost cutting them off before i have a chance. Actually, i do cut them off before i have a chance. It's almost as if i have such a short tolerance for any faults that as soon as i see something i potentially don't like, i disassociate myself from them.

 

Some background on my situation. I am desperately unhappy in the work situation i am in. I HATE where i live, buying a property purely to make profit but not really considering the consequences of where the property is (it's really noisy etc. and no sense of community). I am stuck here until the end of the year because i am a student and i don't have the reliable income to upgrade or move out. My future is uncertain, i don't know if i will get a job (due to being older), where i will work, and whether i will enjoy the job. It's really important for me to enjoy the job i have, so this plays on my mind quite a lot. So, until i have more reliable income, i am stuck in my present situation.

 

I work in a bar/nightclub, where i have the opportunity to meet people, but i am always working and the only patrons that come into the bar are usually drunk or addicted to something else, so there is little hope of me meeting somebody there. I feel really isolated from it all, like i am an alien from another planet. There is a really pervasive culture there of drugs and alcohol and i do not want to fit into that, so in a way, i am fighting an uphill battle.

 

Just recently, i developed an interest in a co-worker, but she is involved with some pretty shaddy people, deeply entrenched in the industry (from what i can tell), and i want OUT of the industry, so unfortunately, i didn't really see a future. This made me really depressed, because i liked her (or what i knew of her), but didn't allow myself to get to know her because i am so disgusted with the industry and cannot bare to have more contact with it than i already do.

 

So, the point is, i freaked out at her, taking my self-loathing out on her when i shouldn't have. I just hate myself for still being in that industry when i don't really want to be, and i hate everything it stands for (alcohol, drugs etc. and general hedonism, which usually leads to misery). I just don't see a way out at the moment and I feel really depressed. I have also been a bit vile to some of the people i work with and some of the patrons because i dispise the environment so much (they touch you and i don't appreciate that, and patrons sometimes offer me alcohol and i don't trust them, so i don't accept them).

 

So, i have lost this person i really wanted to get to know. I think she is going to resign because of me, but in all honesty, i feel like resigning because of what i put her through. Not that i think she's 100% innocent, i just can't be bothered with the sickening feeling of the drama of it all. I think she wants my job and i liked her, so it hurts me to think i wanted something completely different to what she actually wanted.

 

I just feel so bad. Why am i so abusive towards the people that like me and the people i am attracted to? I don't have any problems making friends, it's just the romantic/intimate side of my nature that seems to push people away.

 

How do i handle these feelings the next time i meet someone?

[Hitman]

First off, don't hate yourself. You wont make much progress in any of this if you hate yourself. As far as the job thing goes, in my opinion nobody should ever be working at a job they hate. Life is meant to be enjoyed, in all aspects. You should think about what you really enjoy doing (doesnt matter what it is) and make that your profession. If your currently stuck in your location, thats just something youll have to addapt to for the time being. It's not uncommon to take your frustration out on other people when you really dont mean to. We are after all only human. Apologizing to the girl would be good it think. Maybe explain your situation and that you really didnt mean it. If shes an understanding person shell forgive you, if she isnt, you dont want to have a relationship with her anyway. It doesnt sound like shes the type of person you want to get involved in in your current position in life. She is involved in an industry you hate and lives in a location you hate. You should talk to somebody about your feelings, a good friend maybe. If you dont have anyone to talk to, were always here at enotalone for you. Do what makes you happy. Your gonna get through this and be much happier when you do.

[mgirl]

I know, i wish i could have some of the people from enotalone here with me now. I need a hug. I'll be okay i guess. It's sunday at 3pm and i am sitting at home, bawling my eyes out, knowing i have to go to work tonight. It makes me sick.

[Hitman]

Just try not to dwell on it, keep occupied and do things that are fun. I think youll be significantly happier if you get out of this job. The faster the better within reason.

[Palmbaby]

The thing that came accross to me is how bad you feel about yourself, everything is wrong and you're almost blaming yourself - don't! I've been there, similar behaviour, frightened of love,unhappy in job,house,you name it. In the end I cracked up, I'd really fallen in love for the first time (I'm in my 40's!) it went wrong,and all the feelings of lack of self worth came tumbling down.

Well it was the best thing to happen in a way, I'v been forced to go into therapy and take a long painful look at myself and my life, and 10 months later I'm getting there. It's not nice, it's very raw.but I really wish I'd done it 20 years ago.

If you feel bad, stuck, doing things you don't really want to, not liking people too much then I'd guess you might benefit from talking to someone, honestly it's changed my life!

[mgirl]

Hi Palmbaby,

 

Yes, i've tried therapy. I think the problem is that i am not going regularly enough. My therapist also said i have to get passed certain things that have happened in my life and that i cannot dwell on what has happened in the past. To a certain extent i agree with her. What i have realised is that i am playing out all the angst i was never allowed to feel as a child in my adult life and it is affecting my work. I never planned on this happening at the ripe old age of 35, but it has. I also figure that i can work on my internal feelings as much as i like, but my external circumstances count too and until i change those, i will not be completely happy, or not happy at all.

 

I am glad therapy has worked out for you. It is never too late. Some people never make the change.

 

Thanks for your response and to Hitman as well. Every little bit helps and hearing feedback from people that don't know you, whom you can't fool, and who do not judge you is helpful.

[Palmbaby]

Sorry for the silence -computer went a bit strange! Well I'm so pleased that I'm seeing a therapist every week. We don't dwell too much on the past but I've realised how much the past impacts on our adult behaviour. In my case I came from a chaotic home, parents had a bitter divorce,custody battles,emotionally retarded father,jealous stepmother,you name it! On the outside I did well, went to university, got a good job, have own house, on the inside I've been stuck as a lonely confused 8 year old little girl who can't trust anyone and I tend towards self destructive behaviours which I now realise come from feeling worthless.

It's not at all nice learning all this, but it does make sense, and once you know something you can start to try to change it. At least that's the theory and I think it's working.

Good luck both of you.