Fallen Hard

[Jay_]

Hi all, I've a bit of a deluge to contribute so whoever reads all of this, I appreciate you. Any thoughts or advice would also be much appreciated. ❤️

I recently started getting into the dating world again nearly two months ago now, purely with the interest of meeting new people and making some new friends. Whatever else that came with that I was open to explore, however I wasn't yet ready to make any serious commitments as I didn't quite know what I wanted, relationship-wise. I've since only met two people (thanks Covid) who are both great guys, and one of them I've really hit it off with. He's smart, funny, handsome, and just all-round an amazing person. We actually have so much in common and find it super easy to talk to each other about just about anything. We've pretty much gotten along as if we were never strangers to begin with, which is a great feeling.

After our first date we kept in touch. Followed each other on Insta, Snapchat, etc., and continued really bonding with each other. Eventually, I couldn't help but feel some sort of attraction for him; even though I was strictly only in it to form some new friendships. So on our second date, I bit the bullet and asked him out officially. His words to me was that he basically wasn't ready. He'd recently came out of a break-up from a relationship of five years, and was just kind of having fun and eager to meet new people; but in doing so, he's kind of lost the ability to feel anything deeper with anyone. This was all fine, though; I respected his decision and pushed it no further, and we continued to get along famously as if I'd never asked the question (for sake of making things awkward).

Now here's my big problem. I respect his decision, and I respect him as an individual. But just a couple of weeks ago after continuing to stay in touch, and having hung out another two times, I suddenly realized the hard way that I was actually inadvertently supressing my true feelings for him, for sake of maintaining a really good friendship. It was at this point that I undoubtedly fell in love with him. ***ing hard. I felt everything good and everything bad at the same time: happiness, jealousy, hope, anger... you name it. My heart felt like it was suffocating under ice-cold water, and it was difficult for me to properly sleep, and even at some times, eat. Why? Because I knew deep down that I couldn't have him, at least not for a good while, whilst in the meantime he was still meeting other guys for fun and friendships. And in that sense, the logical thing to do would be to sever all ties to a relationship with very one-sided feelings, with a guy who was clearly making me feel hurt, jealous, and scared that I would somehow lose him. But it wasn't that simple.

See, I've only ever been in one official relationship of only a few months, which I chose to leave due to an open unhealthy obsession the other guy had over me; in addition to me needing to figure out some of my own problems. Since then I've kind of been enjoying the single life, letting things happen naturally and more or less waiting for the right person. With that being said, I understand that I definitely lack that real relationship experience, and my perception of love is probably a bit clouded. I also still have a few personal issues that I'm still working through. But... There's something different about the way I feel about this new guy. I met up with him only with the intention to meet somebody new and potentially make a new friend, because at that point in time new friends were the one thing I needed the most. Now I'm basically in love with him.

The problem here is that the feeling is involuntary. I mean, do I enjoy the feeling of being in love and in a relationship with this guy? Of course I do. But am I willingly letting myself feel this way? No, definitely not, because I would never want to put myself through this ***. But the truth is, I've never felt this way about anyone else in my life before. Never has my heart been consistently obsessed with someone like this... at least not since high school, and that was only with a crush I had over a jock who turned out to be straight and possibly homophobic. Good job, me.

So I did end up telling him all this over a video call, (thanks again Covid) because I had to get it off my chest (literally) and off my mind in order to ease at least some of the burden I was faced with. He basically reaffirmed his stance on not yet being ready for a relationship, but understood the way I felt about him, deciding it was probably best if we kept it strictly as friends in the meantime for the sake of not making things awkward. But he was definitely still very supportive and we're still in touch to this day. Since then the feelings haven't been as intense, but there's still moments, like whenever he messages me, or compliments me, or gives even the slightest hint of interest that makes my stupid heart go OMG YES, MARRY HIM!! Like I'm usually kinda picky with guys and he is far from my type lmao, but everything about him screams yes to the heart and my mind is just like gimme a ***ing break lmfao.

He's in my head probably more times than anything else each day, and I'm finding myself paying attention to song lyrics a lot more and noticing the similarities between them and how I'm feeling. I hate myself for looking like a lunatic that's infatuated over someone for the sake of coming off too strong, needy, or desperate lol. I understand I need to be patient with him, and I need to wait until and if he'll ever come around or be ready to enter into anything once again. But at the same time, I keep having these nagging thoughts that someone else might take him, or I'll somehow lose him, and all of what I've felt will have been for nothing. I mean, if he did end up dating someone else, I'd be genuinely happy for him. Would I still prefer it if it was me? Of course I would. But I'm not selfish to the point where I would openly express a desire for it to be instead.

My one main concern at the moment, is if I'm actually in love with him, or if I'm in love with the idea of him being a best friend. I'm fairly positive I know the answer, but I'm currently stuck in lockdown so I'm not able to go out and meet new people in order to determine exactly the way I feel about him. I mean, I don't want to restrict myself to just one person after having just recently entered the world of dating once again - I mean that's the same as saying I've already picked a favorite country, when I haven't yet visited them all - but at the same time I can't let go of the thought of us being together, and everytime I think about being in another relationship he always enters my mind. I know this sounds unhealthy and I sound kind of crazy to be literally infatuated with someone I've only known for nearly three months, but if I could move on from this then I would. The best way to describe is that my heart is in control of my emotions, and it's thrown me right out of balance. However, I still have enough self-control to not annoy the *** out of him as to when he'll be ready to take things more seriously; let alone if it will even be with me. I mean, I want to try and I want to be patient with him.

I guess it just kind of confounds me that how out of nearly 7.9 billion people on the planet, he's the one person who seems to be able to stabilize my world whenever I'm with him. I feel genuinely happy when I'm around him, and we get along so naturally you'd think we'd have already known each other before. I guess I just want what's best for him. I want him to be happy and safe, and to find out what it is in life that he truly needs let alone deserves. I don't want to say that I can give him all of that, because not only is that hella cliche but it's also kind of selfish, even if I genuinely mean it. But I guess I still just want him to know that I'm there for him. I know I should just be patient and wait this out, letting things move along naturally, but it's just so frustrating lmao. Between covid lockdowns with us not being able to see each other and his open expression to meet and have fun with other people, my mind's telling me to give it a rest but my heart just says otherwise.

Anyway, I apologize for my rambling and hopefully this sorta kinda made sense. I'd be very grateful for any honest advice or thoughts in this situation. Like I know what I need to do and I know that I can do it... it's just a matter of time... but some wisdom or anything would help go a long way right about now. Urgh. Who invented emotions? lmfao
Thanks guys x

P.S; I sound like a mess, I know. But the heart wants what the heart wants, no? 🤷‍♂️

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Jay_ said:

a jock who turned out to be straight and possibly homophobic.

Ok, if he's just interested in friends and you want a relationship, it won't work unless you're willing to just hookup or be friends.

 

 

[SooSad33]

47 minutes ago, Jay_ said:

I also still have a few personal issues that I'm still working through. But... There's something different about the way I feel about this new guy. I met up with him only with the intention to meet somebody new and potentially make a new friend, because at that point in time new friends were the one thing I needed the most.

Okay, so you see you still have some things to work through on your own... and, you should NOT be looking to him for a real 'friendship'... If it's friends you want, how about local groups to where you can just hang out for coffee, etc.. One's that you may actually come to find as a 'friend'... and that's all.

 

49 minutes ago, Jay_ said:

I've never felt this way about anyone else in my life before. Never has my heart been consistently obsessed with someone like this...

Okay, has only been a couple months, so maybe this is the keyword.. Obsessed.. which in unhealthy 😕 .

Honestly, you have NO idea what it'd be like, if you were actually involved with him.. You hardly know him, since it's only been a cpl months.

It;s not love,, more like lust.

 

56 minutes ago, Jay_ said:

But I guess I still just want him to know that I'm there for him. I know I should just be patient and wait this out, letting things move along naturally,

IMO, I feel you should really back off and if you can't accept being only 'friends', it may be of your best interest to severe everything for your own mentality. (as we can't always be okay with just 'friendship' with someone we have such feelings for.  It becomes too much.) 

 

 

[Jay_]

16 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so you see you still have some things to work through on your own... and, you should NOT be looking to him for a real 'friendship'... If it's friends you want, how about local groups to where you can just hang out for coffee, etc.. One's that you may actually come to find as a 'friend'... and that's all.

This is definitely what I want and it's something that I've been working towards, for my own mental health. I know I need to meet more people than just him but at the moment he's kind of my anchor as we're both stuck in a covid lockdown and we're unable to go out and do anything like that; and the last thing I want to do is meet new people over a Zoom call. This is where a lot of this problem is stemming from. If I was just able to get out then I probably wouldn't even be here, or this situation wouldn't be as intense.

In the meantime I know I've got my own stuff to deal with. That too is something that I'll only be able to rectify as I continue meet more people.

 

16 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

 

Okay, has only been a couple months, so maybe this is the keyword.. Obsessed.. which in unhealthy 😕 .

Honestly, you have NO idea what it'd be like, if you were actually involved with him.. You hardly know him, since it's only been a cpl months.

It;s not love,, more like lust.

IMO, I feel you should really back off and if you can't accept being only 'friends', it may be of your best interest to severe everything for your own mentality. (as we can't always be okay with just 'friendship' with someone we have such feelings for.  It becomes too much.) 

 

 

The problem is that I've never met anyone like him before. He's probably the most genuine and transparent person I've ever met, and we have no issues talking about anything; even a lot about our personal lives, family, and past experiences. But is he a perfect human? No. He, like me, does have his own flaws and issues, which as I understand it is healthy to know about someone, rather than perceiving them as a superhuman with no flaws whatsoever. Yes it's only been a couple of months, but our natural conversations have already has us learn so much about each other. There's still a lot more to learn, I know that - and likewise with him - but there's already an imminent level of trust and honesty there that you wouldn't find with most people.

I've been trying to image myself a lot more seriously with him, to as you say figure out what it would actually be like... but in the present moment I think we're at the point where one way or another we'd still be good friends. The thing is, I'm more than happy to have a friendship with him. I'm not going to harass to him to go out with me or come off to needy or desperate, nor would I think negatively of him if he was to start dating someone else. Because boyfriend or not, he's someone that you can just be around and have a really good time. Great personality, great energy, and super easy to talk to; and because of that I'm easily able to emulate this myself. You can't just severe ties with people like that... however, I do admit that the same thought has occurred to me.

The best I can do at the moment is just be my normal self around him. That I can do, and since we've already established some boundaries we can both call each other out if he's say drunk and gets too touchy, or if anything I say goes too far. I'm able to separate my emotions though with how I interact with people, so talking to him or even being around him while feeling this way isn't going to be a problem... in terms of me uncontrollably blurting something stupid out like "marry me" hahaha

I mean, do I still hope deep down that we can share something more? Of course I do. But I'm willing to wait this out and just go with the flow, and if it turns out as just friends, then it turns out as just friends. The main thing is that he hasn't explicitly told me no. Just that he isn't ready, and that he wants to be able to feel that 'spark' again with someone. This is unfortunately just one of those things where time will only tell.

I understand where you're coming from, however, and I appreciate your response. I know I'm messed up lol. I'm working through all of this step by step trying to understand my true feelings and intentions, but until I'm able to get out of the house again I'm kind of stuck. 🤷‍♂️

Thank you for your replies!!

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Stop talking to him.

I partially blame him for telling you let's stay friends, and I bet he likes the attention you give him.

So stop this whole mess. You two you can't be friends and end it. You block him and that's it. No conversation and no dialogue.

Yes, it's hard. But, sometimes you need to listen to your rational side as a lady and override the emotional side to make better decisions.

+The friendship is serving him, and not you. It's only making you fall more for him. So you stop the curse. You end it.

Once you feel better, you start seeing other people. He's not as perfect as you think. And please, don't sleep with him.

Listen to Dua Lipa: new rules. When in doubt, remind yourself of these rules.

No more excuses.

 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Jay_ said:

The thing is, I'm more than happy to have a friendship with him. I'm not going to harass to him to go out with me or come off to needy or desperate, nor would I think negatively of him if he was to start dating someone else. Because boyfriend or not, he's someone that you can just be around and have a really good time. Great personality, great energy, and super easy to talk to; and because of that I'm easily able to emulate this myself. You can't just severe ties with people like that... however, I do admit that the same thought has occurred to me.

So since he is so genuine and transparent you'd better be comfortable with him chatting with you about potential dates/people he has crushes on, all of that.  That's what genuine friends talk about .  You can just sever ties with people who you don't have compatible goals with.  He is not that into you, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and you do.  Of course you "can" because the benefits are outweighed by the huge downsides.