Hi all, I've a bit of a deluge to contribute so whoever reads all of this, I appreciate you. Any thoughts or advice would also be much appreciated. ❤️
I recently started getting into the dating world again nearly two months ago now, purely with the interest of meeting new people and making some new friends. Whatever else that came with that I was open to explore, however I wasn't yet ready to make any serious commitments as I didn't quite know what I wanted, relationship-wise. I've since only met two people (thanks Covid) who are both great guys, and one of them I've really hit it off with. He's smart, funny, handsome, and just all-round an amazing person. We actually have so much in common and find it super easy to talk to each other about just about anything. We've pretty much gotten along as if we were never strangers to begin with, which is a great feeling.
After our first date we kept in touch. Followed each other on Insta, Snapchat, etc., and continued really bonding with each other. Eventually, I couldn't help but feel some sort of attraction for him; even though I was strictly only in it to form some new friendships. So on our second date, I bit the bullet and asked him out officially. His words to me was that he basically wasn't ready. He'd recently came out of a break-up from a relationship of five years, and was just kind of having fun and eager to meet new people; but in doing so, he's kind of lost the ability to feel anything deeper with anyone. This was all fine, though; I respected his decision and pushed it no further, and we continued to get along famously as if I'd never asked the question (for sake of making things awkward).
Now here's my big problem. I respect his decision, and I respect him as an individual. But just a couple of weeks ago after continuing to stay in touch, and having hung out another two times, I suddenly realized the hard way that I was actually inadvertently supressing my true feelings for him, for sake of maintaining a really good friendship. It was at this point that I undoubtedly fell in love with him. ***ing hard. I felt everything good and everything bad at the same time: happiness, jealousy, hope, anger... you name it. My heart felt like it was suffocating under ice-cold water, and it was difficult for me to properly sleep, and even at some times, eat. Why? Because I knew deep down that I couldn't have him, at least not for a good while, whilst in the meantime he was still meeting other guys for fun and friendships. And in that sense, the logical thing to do would be to sever all ties to a relationship with very one-sided feelings, with a guy who was clearly making me feel hurt, jealous, and scared that I would somehow lose him. But it wasn't that simple.
See, I've only ever been in one official relationship of only a few months, which I chose to leave due to an open unhealthy obsession the other guy had over me; in addition to me needing to figure out some of my own problems. Since then I've kind of been enjoying the single life, letting things happen naturally and more or less waiting for the right person. With that being said, I understand that I definitely lack that real relationship experience, and my perception of love is probably a bit clouded. I also still have a few personal issues that I'm still working through. But... There's something different about the way I feel about this new guy. I met up with him only with the intention to meet somebody new and potentially make a new friend, because at that point in time new friends were the one thing I needed the most. Now I'm basically in love with him.
The problem here is that the feeling is involuntary. I mean, do I enjoy the feeling of being in love and in a relationship with this guy? Of course I do. But am I willingly letting myself feel this way? No, definitely not, because I would never want to put myself through this ***. But the truth is, I've never felt this way about anyone else in my life before. Never has my heart been consistently obsessed with someone like this... at least not since high school, and that was only with a crush I had over a jock who turned out to be straight and possibly homophobic. Good job, me.
So I did end up telling him all this over a video call, (thanks again Covid) because I had to get it off my chest (literally) and off my mind in order to ease at least some of the burden I was faced with. He basically reaffirmed his stance on not yet being ready for a relationship, but understood the way I felt about him, deciding it was probably best if we kept it strictly as friends in the meantime for the sake of not making things awkward. But he was definitely still very supportive and we're still in touch to this day. Since then the feelings haven't been as intense, but there's still moments, like whenever he messages me, or compliments me, or gives even the slightest hint of interest that makes my stupid heart go OMG YES, MARRY HIM!! Like I'm usually kinda picky with guys and he is far from my type lmao, but everything about him screams yes to the heart and my mind is just like gimme a ***ing break lmfao.
He's in my head probably more times than anything else each day, and I'm finding myself paying attention to song lyrics a lot more and noticing the similarities between them and how I'm feeling. I hate myself for looking like a lunatic that's infatuated over someone for the sake of coming off too strong, needy, or desperate lol. I understand I need to be patient with him, and I need to wait until and if he'll ever come around or be ready to enter into anything once again. But at the same time, I keep having these nagging thoughts that someone else might take him, or I'll somehow lose him, and all of what I've felt will have been for nothing. I mean, if he did end up dating someone else, I'd be genuinely happy for him. Would I still prefer it if it was me? Of course I would. But I'm not selfish to the point where I would openly express a desire for it to be instead.
My one main concern at the moment, is if I'm actually in love with him, or if I'm in love with the idea of him being a best friend. I'm fairly positive I know the answer, but I'm currently stuck in lockdown so I'm not able to go out and meet new people in order to determine exactly the way I feel about him. I mean, I don't want to restrict myself to just one person after having just recently entered the world of dating once again - I mean that's the same as saying I've already picked a favorite country, when I haven't yet visited them all - but at the same time I can't let go of the thought of us being together, and everytime I think about being in another relationship he always enters my mind. I know this sounds unhealthy and I sound kind of crazy to be literally infatuated with someone I've only known for nearly three months, but if I could move on from this then I would. The best way to describe is that my heart is in control of my emotions, and it's thrown me right out of balance. However, I still have enough self-control to not annoy the *** out of him as to when he'll be ready to take things more seriously; let alone if it will even be with me. I mean, I want to try and I want to be patient with him.
I guess it just kind of confounds me that how out of nearly 7.9 billion people on the planet, he's the one person who seems to be able to stabilize my world whenever I'm with him. I feel genuinely happy when I'm around him, and we get along so naturally you'd think we'd have already known each other before. I guess I just want what's best for him. I want him to be happy and safe, and to find out what it is in life that he truly needs let alone deserves. I don't want to say that I can give him all of that, because not only is that hella cliche but it's also kind of selfish, even if I genuinely mean it. But I guess I still just want him to know that I'm there for him. I know I should just be patient and wait this out, letting things move along naturally, but it's just so frustrating lmao. Between covid lockdowns with us not being able to see each other and his open expression to meet and have fun with other people, my mind's telling me to give it a rest but my heart just says otherwise.
Anyway, I apologize for my rambling and hopefully this sorta kinda made sense. I'd be very grateful for any honest advice or thoughts in this situation. Like I know what I need to do and I know that I can do it... it's just a matter of time... but some wisdom or anything would help go a long way right about now. Urgh. Who invented emotions? lmfao
Thanks guys x
P.S; I sound like a mess, I know. But the heart wants what the heart wants, no? 🤷♂️