Reading too Much Into This?

[BBall14]

Full disclosure: I’m an over thinker. I’m currently in therapy trying to work on this, but I’m still struggling.

Long story short. My wife and I had intimacy issues for months. Not just sexual, but in regards to time spent together as well. We ultimately figured out that our COVID puppy was getting in the way of us spending quality time together and making us grow apart. We re-homed him and things have been great ever since. Lots of sex, lots of time spent together, my wife is more affectionate. I've also taken my weight loss more seriously and have lost some weight, in turn my wife has told me she thinks it's sext that I'm working out. Sounds great, right?

My wife also had lost a bunch of weight, compared to me where I kind of failed in my weight loss journey. I got to a point where I was scared she was going to leave me for another man.

Going back to the period where we were not very intimate, before we figured out that our issue was our dog, she told me she had lost all physical attraction to me and she feared our marriage was going to fail. She was very up front and honest about how she was feeling. She always has been. She’s never given me a reason not to trust her in the 3 years that I’ve known her.

My wife also had a different up bringing than me. She doesn’t have any parents, and the only family she has is mine. She also gets along better with males. She’s always told me that. She has a few female friends, and one guy friend she talks to, which is where my concern is.

During while we were trying to hash out our issues, she told me about this guy she’s been talking to. He’s a good bit older than her, single. She showed me conversations they had to put my mind at ease. Some of the conversations weren’t easily decipherable as it appeared a couple of messages had been deleted. I asked her about it and she said nothing had been deleted. I did something I wasn't proud of and went through her phone. I saw conversations with this guy and they weren't really alarming. Some of his messages were a little inappropriate "Sweet dreams" stuff like that. She didn't seem to reciprocate in that fashion. 

Fast forward to now, again, things are great. Lots of affection, sex, closeness. Most times whenever we're spending QT together, we both turn off our phones and just enjoy each other's company. She can't wait for me to get home from work and I feel the same. However, I just can't seem to shake this other guy she talks to from time to time. Maybe I'm just being insecure? From what I know, they don't talk a whole lot. Maybe a few messages back and forth here and there. She's not leaving the house at weird hours or making up excuses to leave. She stays home most of the time really. 

Am I worrying too much about this? I don't mind her having guy friends that she talks to. I have female friends that I talk to. Not on a regular basis, but on occasion. Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BBall14 said:

My wife also had lost a bunch of weight, compared to me. I was scared she was going to leave me for another man. she had lost all physical attraction to me and she feared our marriage was going to fail.

went through her phone. Some of his messages were a little inappropriate "Sweet dreams" stuff like that. She stays home most of the time really. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you feel your marriage is back on track? Is she a SAHM?

What do you chitchat about with your female friends? Doe she go through your phone?

Make sure you see a physician and continue to focus and fitness and eating plans. 

Reflect if your health weight are affecting things. You state you're sexually active and happy and that she is transparent about her friends, male or female.

[BBall14]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you feel your marriage is back on track? Is she a SAHM?

What do you chitchat about with your female friends? Doe she go through your phone?

Make sure you see a physician and continue to focus and fitness and eating plans. 

Reflect if your health weight are affecting things. You state you're sexually active and happy and that she is transparent about her friends, male or female.

I feel like our marriage is back on track. She's mentioned as well that she feels like we're dating again, that we've fallen in love all over again. She made the comment last night that she feels we're the closest we've ever been. We do not have kids and she works, so not a SAHM. Our lives consist of going to work, going to the gym, and coming home to binge watch shows together.

As far as my female friends, mainly work related things. These are my coworkers. This guy she talks to is a coworker as well.

[DancingFool]

How was a dog getting in the way of your marriage????

 

[boltnrun]

If things truly are better, do you want to ruin it by obsessing over this male friend of hers? 

[BBall14]

35 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

How was a dog getting in the way of your marriage????

 

So, we got a Dachshund puppy right as COVID started. At this point my wife and I had been married a little over a year. Our dog was very needy, very clingy. He always wanted to be in your lap or by your side. My wife and I could never really have any alone time. Whether it be watching a show together, because he'd be up and down or squeaking his chew toy, etc. Or if we got the urge to have sex, we'd have to go put him up, and he'd start barking while we went in the bedroom and it would kill the mood.  

At the peak of our rough patch, every night she would go in our bedroom by herself to watch TV. I personally thought she was going in there to talk to this guy. Come to find out, she said she was spending this time by herself because the dog was stressing her out and she couldn't deal with him anymore.

I could tell he stressed her out. He stressed me out too, but her more so than me. Towards the end of our rough patch, we took a weekend trip to get away to see if we could reignite the spark. Long story short, we did, and we realized during the getaway that our dog was a big problem in us being intimate with one another. We're pretty busy and we just couldn't give him the attention that he needs. Plus he stays couped up all day when we're both at work. We re-homed him with a family member a couple of days later, and things in our marriage have been wonderful ever since.

[BBall14]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If things truly are better, do you want to ruin it by obsessing over this male friend of hers? 

No, absolutely not. I'm good with it most days but some days I struggle.

I told myself this today: "If something is going on, it's her problem, not yours." That made me feel better. I treat my wife very well, and she treats me well. We hardly ever fight, we get along great. I just feel if she ever did do something like that, it would be the biggest mistake of her life. It'd be hard for her to find someone like me that cares for her and treats her like I do.

[SooSad33]

Okay, calm down.

I don't feel she's doing anything wrong... If YOU feel you could work on yourself, that's fine.

Keep working on your weight loss... eat better ( something tasty & sweet is fine, in small amt's ) and just keep going on this. Get active, go for walks.. do some sit ups, etc. ( sounds like you've got some insecurity) .

You said she is not acting suspicious at all. AND you both have 'friends; of the opposite sex.  That is fine as well.

 

1 hour ago, BBall14 said:

she treats me well. We hardly ever fight, we get along great. I just feel if she ever did do something like that, it would be the biggest mistake of her life. It'd be hard for her to find someone like me that cares for her and treats her like I do.

Okay, great - but, everyone argue's, it's fine, it's healthy.

But, what's with this statement ' It'd be the biggest mistake of her life, it'd be hard for her to find someone like me that cares for her & treats her like I do'.

I just find this a little too much. ( even IF you two broke up, for whatever reason, I hope you would not throw this at her, as you don't know...) 

Are you reading too much into this? I say YES.

Now, how about you settle it down... continue to focus on yourself and leave her phone alone.  I dated a guy 5 years, never went through his phone ( until I had good reason to- which was in the last 6 months - and I was correct).

Can I ask how quickly you two married & why?  You said you've known her 3 years - and she is your wife?  So you married fast, yes?

 

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, BBall14 said:

No, absolutely not. I'm good with it most days but some days I struggle.

I told myself this today: "If something is going on, it's her problem, not yours." That made me feel better. I treat my wife very well, and she treats me well. We hardly ever fight, we get along great. I just feel if she ever did do something like that, it would be the biggest mistake of her life. It'd be hard for her to find someone like me that cares for her and treats her like I do.

That's a really really healthy attitude.

For what it's worth, it seems like the stress, covid, puppy, etc. all kind of overtook both of you, but you both actually made very sound and healthy choices to fix those issues. Rehoming the pup was definitely the right thing to do and you both also decided to address your respective health/weight issues through working out. Again a good choice you both stuck to.

That said, I think you are still feeling some insecurities about yourself and that's perhaps making you more sensitive. The trouble that many couples get into when they decide to get fit or lose weight together is that there comes that competitive element into it and whoever is doing less well starts to feel off or a bit insecure about themselves. Thing is that your marriage and your partner aren't your competition. It sounds like you are doing well supporting each other, communicating, overcoming things and not getting lost in the journey.

My only advice is don't get stuck in a rut of work/gym/tv. Shake things up. Go on road trips on the weekends. Find something that you both like to do as a hobby or just try some new things in general every so often. You'll be fine. Don't worry about some guy she occasionally chats with as you both seem to have a healthy view toward opposite sex friendships as well.

Ultimately, you can't stop someone from cheating if they want to, you can only make the choice to leave them. However, don't let suspicion and perhaps some lingering personal insecurities poison your relationship.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, BBall14 said:

I just feel if she ever did do something like that, it would be the biggest mistake of her life. It'd be hard for her to find someone like me that cares for her and treats her like I do.

See, now that's bringing a negative into a positive. Seems like you're actually waiting for her to harm you in some way.

Can you try to change that mindset? This woman loves you and shows it. Period.

[BBall14]

4 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, calm down.

I don't feel she's doing anything wrong... If YOU feel you could work on yourself, that's fine.

Keep working on your weight loss... eat better ( something tasty & sweet is fine, in small amt's ) and just keep going on this. Get active, go for walks.. do some sit ups, etc. ( sounds like you've got some insecurity) .

You said she is not acting suspicious at all. AND you both have 'friends; of the opposite sex.  That is fine as well.

 

Okay, great - but, everyone argue's, it's fine, it's healthy.

But, what's with this statement ' It'd be the biggest mistake of her life, it'd be hard for her to find someone like me that cares for her & treats her like I do'.

I just find this a little too much. ( even IF you two broke up, for whatever reason, I hope you would not throw this at her, as you don't know...) 

Are you reading too much into this? I say YES.

Now, how about you settle it down... continue to focus on yourself and leave her phone alone.  I dated a guy 5 years, never went through his phone ( until I had good reason to- which was in the last 6 months - and I was correct).

Can I ask how quickly you two married & why?  You said you've known her 3 years - and she is your wife?  So you married fast, yes?

 

Yeah, I think you're right. I'm assuming IF she was cheating (emotionally/physically) she would probably be fairly distant and not affectionate, not wanting to spend time with me, and not wanting to have sex with me.

I need to just forget about it and act like nothing is going on. Just enjoy spending time with her and being in the moment.

As far as how quickly we married. We met in June of 2018, became "Official" July of 2018, and married in November of 2019.

[BBall14]

4 hours ago, DancingFool said:

That's a really really healthy attitude.

For what it's worth, it seems like the stress, covid, puppy, etc. all kind of overtook both of you, but you both actually made very sound and healthy choices to fix those issues. Rehoming the pup was definitely the right thing to do and you both also decided to address your respective health/weight issues through working out. Again a good choice you both stuck to.

That said, I think you are still feeling some insecurities about yourself and that's perhaps making you more sensitive. The trouble that many couples get into when they decide to get fit or lose weight together is that there comes that competitive element into it and whoever is doing less well starts to feel off or a bit insecure about themselves. Thing is that your marriage and your partner aren't your competition. It sounds like you are doing well supporting each other, communicating, overcoming things and not getting lost in the journey.

My only advice is don't get stuck in a rut of work/gym/tv. Shake things up. Go on road trips on the weekends. Find something that you both like to do as a hobby or just try some new things in general every so often. You'll be fine. Don't worry about some guy she occasionally chats with as you both seem to have a healthy view toward opposite sex friendships as well.

Ultimately, you can't stop someone from cheating if they want to, you can only make the choice to leave them. However, don't let suspicion and perhaps some lingering personal insecurities poison your relationship.

I think one of the best things about our marriage is that we're not scared to talk. We communicate very well and come to decisions in a thoughtful manner. Giving up the pup was really hard, but it was for the best, and that's been proven true so far.

I do feel insecure about my looks. I always have. I don't think I'm a bad looking guy, but I'm no GQ model either. I'm extremely confident in my personality and the way I treat people. That's one of my best traits. I just have to get better perspective on the looks side of the equation.

After the trip where we rekindled out romance, we decided to start taking a weekend trip somewhere 1-2 hours away. The other night, I booked a painting/wine drinking class for us for date night. She loved that, and I did too. It's not something I'd normally be into but seeing her happy made me happy. So, we're trying new things and trying to make quality time as fun and as new as it can be.

[BBall14]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

See, now that's bringing a negative into a positive. Seems like you're actually waiting for her to harm you in some way.

Can you try to change that mindset? This woman loves you and shows it. Period.

I'm trying. I know she loves me. She wouldn't do half of the things she does for me if she didn't. She tells me all the time she wouldn't do all of this for just anyone lol. She even surprised me this past Friday when we got home from date night. She had something planned and she acted out one of her fantasies about me in the bedroom. So, she's putting forth a lot of effort too. We did get comfortable and I stopped doing things for her a few months ago. I've learned to never stop chasing my wife and never stop dating her. It has definitely made things a lot more fun recently. I never pictured her as the romantic type, but I've done some romantic things for her recently and she absolutely loves it.

[Usa1ah]

12 hours ago, BBall14 said:

Yeah, I think you're right. I'm assuming IF she was cheating (emotionally/physically) she would probably be fairly distant and not affectionate, not wanting to spend time with me, and not wanting to have sex with me.

I need to just forget about it and act like nothing is going on. Just enjoy spending time with her and being in the moment.

As far as how quickly we married. We met in June of 2018, became "Official" July of 2018, and married in November of 2019.

This is not true. Most betrayed spouses don’t see any difference in the levels of sex and affection during an affair. 
 

Your gut feeling is normally spot on. Have you ever felt any of your other partners were up to something?

 

This isn’t just her problem if she is ***ing someone else. 
 

Is the older guy your coworker or hers?

[Usa1ah]

12 hours ago, BBall14 said:

I'm trying. I know she loves me. She wouldn't do half of the things she does for me if she didn't. She tells me all the time she wouldn't do all of this for just anyone lol. She even surprised me this past Friday when we got home from date night. She had something planned and she acted out one of her fantasies about me in the bedroom. So, she's putting forth a lot of effort too. We did get comfortable and I stopped doing things for her a few months ago. I've learned to never stop chasing my wife and never stop dating her. It has definitely made things a lot more fun recently. I never pictured her as the romantic type, but I've done some romantic things for her recently and she absolutely loves it.

All of this is after she found out you had suspicions about the coworker. 
 

It doesn’t mean anything. 

[BBall14]

2 hours ago, Usa1ah said:

All of this is after she found out you had suspicions about the coworker. 
 

It doesn’t mean anything. 

That's not true. There was a period of about 2-3 weeks where I was questioning her about it, and this was well before we took our getaway trip. That whole 2-3 weeks she was distant and what-not. That's also when she told me about her concerns with my weight and how she wasn't attracted to me anymore. Also to address a comment from your first message about the difference in levels of sex/affection, there was. It was huge compared to now since everything has gotten better. It went from MAYBE once a week to 5-10 times a week now, and multiple times some days.

Even our weekend getaway started out rocky. It was very awkward on Friday night and through the day on Saturday. Saturday evening I did something very romantic for her in the hotel room. Wine, chocolates, candles. That flipped a switch for her. The rest of the getaway was filled with sex and closeness. Her telling me she feels like we've fallen in love all over again. It just felt like it did when we were dating. We gave up the puppy a couple of days later and everything has been great ever since. I can tell she's not as stressed as she was when the puppy was around and she's a lot more relaxed.

The more I've thought about it, her cheating on me would be out of character for her. Like I've said before, as far as I know, she's always been up front and honest with me, and even had those tough conversations about not being attracted to me. Again, I catastrophize a lot and immediately go to the worst case scenario. I sometimes put my mind in a place that doesn't even exist. That's always been a huge flaw of mine.

She's been commenting more on my looks recently since I have gotten serious and have lost some weight. She's back to calling me handsome, good lookin', etc. Knowing her, I just think if she was doing something it would be obvious. I think she'd be visibly upset. She battles a lot with depression, and I believe if she was doing something to hurt me, it would really bother her. I can tell she cares a lot about me. She wouldn't really have any reason to either? It's not like our marriage has ever been absolutely awful except for those 2-3 weeks. We get along great, we like a lot of the same things, we hardly ever argue about anything, and if we do, it's over in 5 minutes and we're both over it.

Sorry if my story was confusing, but the more I've thought about it, I really don't think there's anything going on here besides my anxiety taking over and putting me in a bad place that doesn't exist.

[Usa1ah]

Bla bla bla bla.  
 

So she is gone if you get into a car accident and become disfigured?

 

Bury your head in the sand all you wish. Have a great life. 

[BBall14]

UPDATE: So - I kept having nightmares about her cheating on me. She could see the other day that something was bothering me. I talked to her about it, and even went as far as telling her I'd been looking at her phone. Again, didn't really see anything too alarming, but I felt I needed to be honest with her.

She was pretty pissed, obviously. However she came around a couple of hours later and said that our marriage was more important than having a guy friend to talk to, and she said she was going to stop talking to him. She didn't want anything coming between her and I. She said she thought about it and that it really doesn't look right for her to be talking to an older single male. This whole time I kept telling her that it wasn't her that I didn't trust, it was him. Funny enough, she showed me the conversation where she said she needed to stop talking to him, and his response showed her what I was worried about all along. She asked me if that was what I was concerned with, and I told her yes. She started to see it then and said that it was definitely time to delete/block this guy from everything, and she did.

I also realized that maybe part of the trust thing was with her too. If I fully trusted her, I wouldn't have went through her phone. I feel 100% relieved now and the best I've felt in weeks. I should've listened the logic in my head instead of putting these negative scenarios in my head and thinking the worst. Lesson learned.

[DancingFool]

18 minutes ago, BBall14 said:

UPDATE: So - I kept having nightmares about her cheating on me. She could see the other day that something was bothering me. I talked to her about it, and even went as far as telling her I'd been looking at her phone. Again, didn't really see anything too alarming, but I felt I needed to be honest with her.

She was pretty pissed, obviously. However she came around a couple of hours later and said that our marriage was more important than having a guy friend to talk to, and she said she was going to stop talking to him. She didn't want anything coming between her and I. She said she thought about it and that it really doesn't look right for her to be talking to an older single male. This whole time I kept telling her that it wasn't her that I didn't trust, it was him. Funny enough, she showed me the conversation where she said she needed to stop talking to him, and his response showed her what I was worried about all along. She asked me if that was what I was concerned with, and I told her yes. She started to see it then and said that it was definitely time to delete/block this guy from everything, and she did.

I also realized that maybe part of the trust thing was with her too. If I fully trusted her, I wouldn't have went through her phone. I feel 100% relieved now and the best I've felt in weeks. I should've listened the logic in my head instead of putting these negative scenarios in my head and thinking the worst. Lesson learned.

I'm glad this all got resolved and I hope you realize that yes, this is what it looks like when your spouse is honest and caring.

That said, I think you do need to be honest with yourself that you have some personal issues to address and work out. No, it's not about the guy. It's your wife you don't trust and your lack of trust is completely unfounded.....or rather driven by your own deep insecurities that have nothing to do with her and aren't caused by her. I hope you think on that and work on yourself so this doesn't keep repeating.

[Usa1ah]

On 8/23/2021 at 3:58 PM, BBall14 said:

UPDATE: So - I kept having nightmares about her cheating on me. She could see the other day that something was bothering me. I talked to her about it, and even went as far as telling her I'd been looking at her phone. Again, didn't really see anything too alarming, but I felt I needed to be honest with her.

She was pretty pissed, obviously. However she came around a couple of hours later and said that our marriage was more important than having a guy friend to talk to, and she said she was going to stop talking to him. She didn't want anything coming between her and I. She said she thought about it and that it really doesn't look right for her to be talking to an older single male. This whole time I kept telling her that it wasn't her that I didn't trust, it was him. Funny enough, she showed me the conversation where she said she needed to stop talking to him, and his response showed her what I was worried about all along. She asked me if that was what I was concerned with, and I told her yes. She started to see it then and said that it was definitely time to delete/block this guy from everything, and she did.

I also realized that maybe part of the trust thing was with her too. If I fully trusted her, I wouldn't have went through her phone. I feel 100% relieved now and the best I've felt in weeks. I should've listened the logic in my head instead of putting these negative scenarios in my head and thinking the worst. Lesson learned.

She was doing things that made you question her. She is the one to put your trust of her in question. 
 

I still believe she had sex with this other guy. A guy after it isn’t going to stay around as long as he did without getting something in return. 

[Usa1ah]

Ask her why the messages between them looks as if some of the messages have been deleted.