I need some advice

[ufoureah]

After 6 weeks of a break-up she left me.. and is really was mostly my fault. I now have been to counseling, anger management and codependence meetings. I have fiound out some deep seated things about myself I had absolutely no clue about. My mom abandoned me emotionally, who knew and I was seeking out my girlfriends to take her place and I wanted to make peace with her thru them... Iam still in intense therapy and will continue to do so.

I have asked my ex to join me in giving our relationship one more chance. Becoming friends, I do my thing she does hers. we were living together and I have been verbally abusive and even pulled her arm once. I know I was wrong and Iam doing something about not ever doing that again.

I understand 6 weeks is no time whatsoever, but I would really like her back in my life. She is interested to know what I have found ouyt and may meet her for coffee. She is considering it maybe. For first time in 6 weeks we have actually been on the phone and she has cried with me. I have appologiozed perfusely and Iamcertain thgat in time I will heal and nthings will be better for both of us.

what do you think.. I want to continue to give her space.

I call maybe once every 4 days and we chat about life and stuff. and what iam doing.

she has not dealt with it because she has a teenager and is very busy at work.

She is angry about everything. she doesn't want to see pictures, she doesn't want to think about any memmories because I have said some really mean things.

She is really holding on to bad stuff so that she can go on.

I know she still loves me.

what do you suggest. I wrote her a wonderful letter telling her how I feel.

These are my questions...

1. Is is too soon?

If she agrees to meet me, and hears me out, what would be a reasonable plan of action so that I don't scare her away.

Maybe we can plan an event every 2 weeks or something and re evaluate our relationship in 1 month or whatever.

Iam sure we are meant to be together. I told her I want to redeem myself, I have made tons of mistakes.

What do you think?

Am I screwing thinbgs up by going back to soon.

Thank you in advance

D

[ufoureah]

Hi,

I really appreciate your listening to me this morning and I totally understand your apprehension. I don't blame you, I would be scared and non trusting myself. I really empathize with you when you say that you are afraid.

Babe, I agree, you should be!!!

In the past, I have made alot of promises to you. Why should you believe me now?

The bottom line is that I had great intentions to work on those problems on my own...I seriously thought that I could actually do this... well guess what... I have found out that I am not able to do it alone... I have finally come to that conclusion. I need help. And Iam getting help.

Help from a professional psychologist, not some fly by night social worker.

Twice a week, Monday and Thursdays usually... Tuesday anger management. Part I now and Part II starts June 13th... Iam so glad I found this woman, because she has helped me find out something about me that I didn't even know. Something that has caused me to treat you the way that I have in the last 18 months.

Iam so ashamed and sad that I did what I did to you.

 

My love, for first time in my life Iam taking the initiative to make these deamons go away. I have hurt you terribly, yes we had some good times, but I know I have bullied you around and made my agenda yours. Shame on me!!!!

I know the relationship as we had it is over. Iam so sorry I made you feel so horrible about yourself, it really wasn't my intention to do so.

I hope you believe me when I tell you that...

Iam so sorry baby...I mean it

 

You have sacrificed all for me and I just took you for granted again and again, unconsciously thinking that you would just allow me to do what I did, over and over again, hurt you over and over again...

I have broken you over time and for that Iam so terribly sorry.

I hope you don't think I make excuses when I say that sometimes we hurt those we love so much... I hope in time you will be able to forgive me!!!

And if you never can.. I totally would understand...

I thought that love meant you had to take all and be ok about it....

 

I cannot ever change what I did, I can in time just make different paths and with that I can prove to you that it is possible to be the best that I can be.

I know once something so precious as you is broken it takes lots of nurturing, lots of time and lots of patience to mend things back together.

 

I know I am facing an uphill battle. You are well worth it honey!!!

 

You mentioned my competitive edge....I need to win the girl back.. I am so exhausted of running after you.

The truth is I love you , we chose each other, we have invested lots of time, energy, love and sacrifice into our relationship and I still believe that in time we will be ok.

I know some poeople would normally just give up, but I ask you kindly to hold on before you make that final and ultimate decision.

I know when you are done you are done. Please don't yet...

We complete each other on many levels and I am confident that I can make a difference in my part of the relationship, with this work Iam doing.

Finding out what I am finding out now I know will make a significant change for the better in the interactions I have with people.

 

Yes, you are right when you say I should have learned that many years ago.

You know my story, people have not been kind to me to tell me that anything was wrong.. you are the first one ever.

Pretty sad, It's embarrasing.

 

And why should you have to deal with a broken person?? And why should you have to be around to have to deal with all of this work. You said it clearly, you want me to do this on my own and later you can maybe deal with it.

This is work I have to do and I promise that I will not advertise the work Iam doing, or the changes Iam making.

Iam hoping to go about this in a positive adult kind of way.you just have to notice I guess and in time maybe you will have it in your heart to accept me back into your life on a deeper level. Right now I have nothing but a memory of you.

Doing something light once in a while without expectations could possibly be the icing on the cake.

YOU are in control!!!

 

Don't you think it would be so much easier to just move on with life, just forget all of this, move on to someone new and forget about therapy. I don't have to tell anyone I need help. There are plenty of beautiful smart women out there who would take me on in a heartbeat. not to be mean or anything.

And think about all the money, heartache and time I would be saving!!! That would be the easy way out!!! No I don't think so Conchita... I want to be a complete person before I ever consider committing to anyone. Including you...

 

And I know that my love for you is real love. I also know for a fact that I could eventually be capable of being a good partner to you and hopefully be able spend the rest of our living days together in a healthy normal, complete way

I do believe it is possible. What do you think???

 

I realize that this is a lifetime effort and I have made the committment to myself and everyone else who is and comes into my life to continue with this work so that no one ever has to suffer in my presense. Friends and family alike.

 

Honey I cannot express, my sincerest gratitude to you for being so strong, to leave me. I know you still have feelings for me and yes, they are clouded but I know they are there.

This crisis allows me a great opportunity for finally seriously looking within myself, finally making some fundamental changes, so that I can be a better person for me and for all of us.

Not just temporary changes to get you back and then put my plan of action on the back burner.

I promise to never stop working on myself and that I will continue with the help of my therapist until she feels Iam ready to be on my own. It will take some time for that to happen.

 

I see this as the greatest gift of all that anyone has ever given me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Iam sorry it had to cause you so much grief in the process. Iam truly sorry sweetheart.

 

Please take your time to consider whether or not you would be willing to give US another chance. babysteps sweetheart. I know you take longer to process stuff... Iam working on many of my issues including my instant gratification issues with my therapist. And I know in my heart that my working on these deep seated issues will affect us in a very positive way.

 

I will be able to explain to you what the big picture is so that you can better understand what has been going on with me, and what Iam working on.

It has been a pretty rocky, yet enlightning, extatic time for me because finally, and for once and for all Iam able to solve the mystery that has plagued me for 25 years. Only I knew nothing about this until this relationship came to an end.

 

I will check with you later this week if speaking with you on Sunday would be possible. I would probably need about an hour of your time, no pressure.

If you are not ready or don't feel safe I understand...We can revisit it again later.

 

If you have any questions to ask me, please feel free. I would like to keep the doors of communication open, if you are not ready for that either I understand.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this long note. Please let me know if you have read this and feedback would be much appreciated.

I know you are terribly busy, but this has been bottled up for awhile now and I finally had the guts to say something.

 

D...

 

P.S. Iam so glad you had the opportunity to make new friends... I truly love you

[temperamental_taurus]

Wow, all I have to say is that I'm impressed. That's the kind of apology letter that I'm in need of!!! It seems very heart-felt, very specific - good job! As for her coming back to you, I think that will definitely take time... go slow, prove to her time and time again that you ARE different now, that you're getting help and that you'll stick with it. Her trust is badly broken by your abuse, she's going to be a bit skittish for awhile... allow her all the time she needs, listen to her, comfort her and don't pressure her. Good luck! I loved the letter!