Friends with 'Benefits'?

[Agrajag]

Does anyone have any success stories on this subject - given the case of a couple who are still in love but broke up? If she opted out of the relationship so she wouldn't have to be committed to anyone and thereby having less responsibility, is it still fair to me? Then again, what if she changes her mind and ends up with another guy – I'd be devastated. I can't control her, but it doesn't stop her effect on my emotions.

 

She wouldn't get back into a relationship with me, but I really want to be friends with her still. She's my best friend in the whole world and it'll tear me up to think we'd lost that. Where should I sit on this?

[rionmccloud]

Call it quits. I hear friends with benefits isn't that beneficial. Never been there myself, but I wouldn't want to. If you are both still in love it's dumb to be broken up.

[annie24]

I think it's dangerous to be friends with an ex that you are still interested in. It delays healing and is really hard on the person that didn't want the breakup. If you do want to be friends with your ex, I highly recommend doing NC for a few months. Tell them that you need time to yourself, to heal, and after that time, you can go back to being friends when there is more distance between you two.

[Agrajag]

Call it quits. I hear friends with benefits isn't that beneficial. Never been there myself, but I wouldn't want to. If you are both still in love it's dumb to be broken up.

 

You're right. It's retarded. If she is in love with me she should still want to be with me. She's trying to 'have her cake and eat it too.' She wanted to be 'single' and to not feel guilty if she had a crush on someone. I think our love should have been more important than that.

 

I think it's dangerous to be friends with an ex that you are still interested in. It delays healing and is really hard on the person that didn't want the breakup. If you do want to be friends with your ex, I highly recommend doing NC for a few months. Tell them that you need time to yourself, to heal, and after that time, you can go back to being friends when there is more distance between you two.

 

Well we started seeing each other almost exactly like we were in the relationship. Coffee, walks, movies, kissing, etc. I don't know what's going on though.

 

NC is overrated. immediately after we broke up we went into a "2-month NC" which lasted 5 days because she herself couldn't take not talking to her best friend. I couldn't force it to go longer. NC isn't going to work. I think we need communication. NC has never helped me.

 

I don't want time to myself. I want time with her. I want her to understand our love should be more important. She says she still loves me anyways.

 

What should I think of that?

[rionmccloud]

Then you need to talk to her about why exactly she wants to be single. You can tell us all of this, but what good does that really do? The best advice I can give is if you feel that strongly and think she does fiund out exactly whgere things stand. If you feel like you're being used then cut it off immediately. Don't stop being friends, though. Good friends are hard to find, trust me.

[SheIsExistence]

How long were the two of you together for? Maybe there is some reflection in her past relationships.

 

*shrugs*

[Agrajag]

You can tell us all of this, but what good does that really do?

 

I have no one else to talk to about it.

 

Then you need to talk to her about why exactly she wants to be single. The best advice I can give is if you feel that strongly and think she does fiund out exactly whgere things stand. If you feel like you're being used then cut it off immediately. Don't stop being friends, though. Good friends are hard to find, trust me.

 

First, she feels that her feels have fallen out of "romantic love" and she's striving to achieve is that kind of love life-long-friends are made of.

I want the romance. I want the love. Not just the sex.

 

NC is overrated. I don't know what I can say to her. I don't know what to ASK her.

[melrich]

She's not in love with you and she is being disingenuous by saying that. You don't break up with someone you are in love with because you don't want responsibility, whatever that means.

 

She likes you and enjoys your company and she wants that part of the relationship with you. She has to understand that that is really very detrimental to your situation because you obviously have stronger feelings. She should be a good friend and respect your feelings and emotional state and stay away for a while.

 

What she is doing now is no good for either of you.

[Agrajag]

She's not in love with you and she is being disingenuous by saying that. You don't break up with someone you are in love with because you don't want responsibility, whatever that means.

 

how can she still say she loves me? how could she have "fallen out" of love with me?

 

She likes you and enjoys your company and she wants that part of the relationship with you.

Hence, the FWB problem.

 

She has to understand that that is really very detrimental to your situation because you obviously have stronger feelings. She should be a good friend and respect your feelings and emotional state and stay away for a while.

 

What she is doing now is no good for either of you.

 

 

So what do I need to do. What do I ask her? I don't even know what I need or deserve right now. let alone what I want

[annie24]

How much can someone really love you if they break up with you?

[CowgirlFromHell]

Whatever you do, do not sleep with your ex! Friends with benefits only benefits one person in the equation; there is always one person who is not happy with the situation. Believe me, I know. I continued to sleep with my ex for 3 months after our breakup, while he was seeing another girl! I feel horrible having done such, and it totally delayed my healing process. The only reason I slept with him afterwards was to hold onto him, it was a false sense of hope. Don't do that to yourself.

[melrich]

how can she still say she loves me? how could she have "fallen out" of love with me?

 

People fall in and out of love. That she has broken up with you and still says she loves you is what I meant when I said she is being disingenuous, she is applying a loose interpretation of the word "love".

 

What do you do? Don't do anything. Avoid her and do not be responsive to her calls. If you make it clear to her that the relationship she wants is not the one you want and that you need space, if she is any sort of friend she will give it to you.

[annie24]

Yes - Ditto to what cowgirl said. Here's my story: When I was 18, I dated this guy and fell IN LOVE with him. He broke up with me because of distance. However, we decided to stay friends. Now, I never got over him. I always held onto the possibility that he might decide to get back with me, if he sees what a wonderful friend I was. 5 years I was obsessed with him. I don't know how my friends put up with me. I wish eNotalone was around back then. You all would have slapped some sense into me.

 

Anyways - yeah. We would hook up whenever it was convienient for him. And, he went off dating other girls and stuff. And I wasted 5 years on being crazy about him. I mean - I dated here and there, but I didn't really have myself open to the idea of really being with anyone else.

 

What a waste of time. Basically - I don't want you to wind up in that same situation. Pining away hopelessly for someone for years. If he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't have broken up with me. End of story.

[Agrajag]

Whatever you do, do not sleep with your ex!

Too late.

 

how can she still say she loves me? how could she have "fallen out" of love with me?

 

People fall in and out of love. That she has broken up with you and still says she loves you is what I meant when I said she is being disingenuous, she is applying a loose interpretation of the word "love".

 

What do you do? Don't do anything. Avoid her and do not be responsive to her calls. If you make it clear to her that the relationship she wants is not the one you want and that you need space, if she is any sort of friend she will give it to you.

 

If she isn't in love with me anymore, how can she show me such emotion when she hugs me and says, "I love you." Why is she letting me do this to myself?

 

I don't WANT to avoid her. I love her. I need her in my life. She is my BEST friend. How do I be un-responsive to her calls?

Would that friendship be just too painful?

 

Yes - Ditto to what cowgirl said. Here's my story: When I was 18, I dated this guy and fell IN LOVE with him. He broke up with me because of distance. However, we decided to stay friends. Now, I never got over him. I always held onto the possibility that he might decide to get back with me, if he sees what a wonderful friend I was. 5 years I was obsessed with him. I don't know how my friends put up with me. I wish eNotalone was around back then. You all would have slapped some sense into me.

 

Anyways - yeah. We would hook up whenever it was convienient for him. And, he went off dating other girls and stuff. And I wasted 5 years on being crazy about him. I mean - I dated here and there, but I didn't really have myself open to the idea of really being with anyone else.

 

What a waste of time. Basically - I don't want you to wind up in that same situation. Pining away hopelessly for someone for years. If he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't have broken up with me. End of story.

 

I'm already pining, though.

 

 

Alright, well - I plan on spending the night with her in a few weeks. I'll try not to sleep with her. If anything, it'll be a 'just one last time' sort of thing. I'm giving myself that time to deal with what's going on and to see if we can talk about any of this.

 

Any good?

[melrich]

Well I think you have got all the advice you need. Ultimately you have to make your own decisions and choose your own path in life.

[Jabe]

me and my ex did that for a while .. but then i got more serious with a new girl, so i called it quits on her. she thought it was weird that it was me callin it quits and her begging for it.. but im happier now with my new girl and as for my ex .. well lets not talk about that.

[Agrajag]

Well I think you have got all the advice you need. Ultimately you have to make your own decisions and choose your own path in life.

 

It's just hard knowing she doesn't love me, you know?

 

I've been through so much with her. I can't believe a sudden wave of what appeared to be selfishness, destroyed us. We were together for 8 1/2 months. She was the first love of my life and my best friend. If I've lost her as a friend too I don't know what I'll do.

 

I don't feel like posting in the Self-Injury forum anytime soon.

 

I don't know how to cope with this. I keep thinking we could have a future together - or that she'll be in love with me again.

 

It took me 18 years to find her. I don't want to have to wait another 18 to find another woman whom will love me and I will love.

[melrich]

Look it didn't take you 18 years to find her, you weren't even looking for the first 14 and I doubt if you were looking for the next 3, she just walked into your life. It is just self serving wallowing to talk about having to wait another 18 years.

 

Yes she was your first love. We all have those and they are always one of the hardest to get over because we have no experience to fall back on to help us cope.

 

Here is a fact, it won't help you in the next couple of months but here it is and it is as absolute as the fact that the earth is round.

 

In 5 years time you will not even think about this girl once a week.

 

Each day will get easier, unless you allow yourself to wallow in self pity and then the whole thing just takes that little bit longer.

[Agrajag]

How much can someone really love you if they break up with you?

 

I'm still very very hurt by the fact she just doesn't have those feelings for me anymore. She would get another guy in seconds if she wants and she's given her no reason to wait (she's already kissed a guy).

 

I don't even know how much I can trust her.

All my mind will do is picture her in bed with some other guy because she doesn't want to be with me anymore - and then I start to cry

[Agrajag]

Look it didn't take you 18 years to find her, you weren't even looking for the first 14 and I doubt if you were looking for the next 3, she just walked into your life. It is just self serving wallowing to talk about having to wait another 18 years.

 

Alright, fair enough. However, I have been actively looking for a decent girlfriend for 3 years. I'm the kind of person who NEEDS someone in their life. Yet another reason why this is so hard. She won't even have to LOOK for a new guy - they're coming to her! I don't have that luxury.

 

If I'm supposedly so d*mn attractive why is she the only one to see it?

 

 

Yes she was your first love. We all have those and they are always one of the hardest to get over because we have no experience to fall back on to help us cope.

 

Here is a fact, it won't help you in the next couple of months but here it is and it is as absolute as the fact that the earth is round.

 

In 5 years time you will not even think about this girl once a week.

 

In 5 years time i could be dead too. I hope in 5 years i'm in a 5-year relationship. I freakin' hate being single!

 

Each day will get easier, unless you allow yourself to wallow in self pity and then the whole thing just takes that little bit longer.

 

I still don't have an answer to my question of how to STAY FRIENDS. She IS a best friend but is it realistic to keep that? Or will it be JUST TOO hard.

[melrich]

OK, everyone on this post is telling you not to stay friends.

 

YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE IN LOVE AND WANT TO BE WITH WHEN THEY DO NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY.

 

Really there is no point asking the question over and over again. It is not healthy to remain close friends with someone in this situation.

 

OK so she wants to remain friends. But it is not her that has the problem with it, it is you. You want more. If she is going to dump you she has to learn that there is a price to pay for that. That is, until you can see her without wanting her as your girlfriend, you should not be seeing her or having anything to do with her.

[babybees]

Agrajag,

 

Aren't you mad when you knew she was into somebodyelse other than you? That means that is the time for you to wake up and move on.

I had a similar situation like you when i started dating and I was also in your position, so i know how it felt when someone you like/love so much didn't have the same feeling as yours. And the guy i dated was also a good friend of mine.

When he hurt my feeling by purposely trying to find someone new, that means he just wanted to keep me for a backup until he got the one he really wanted to be with.

So i believe that's what your ex too.

 

When she said that she loved you. Don't interpret that as "love" as "in love". She might love you but not in love you. Love because yes she liked you and she cared about you but no more than that.

 

If you don't want to stop losing her as your bestfriend. You can keep that friendship with her, BUT you need to move on. Find another girl. Girl is not only her. Yes, it's your first love, but First love is not always beautiful.

Take that first love as your lesson. You know there are a lot more fish in the ocean. She's NOT the only fish in there.

So, please wake up and start your new life. I believe you'd much happier without her. Maybe you won't admit it right now, but once you start, then you'll realize it one day.

 

Why do you want to keep someone who doesn't want you? Why do you want to hurt yourself when something doesn't worth to be kept?

Forget your feeling...time does heals the wound. Find somebody new. If you count her still as a bestfriend, you can even share your thought with her about your new love..

 

So good luck. Be smart!

 

 

-babybees

[Agrajag]

OK, everyone on this post is telling you not to stay friends.

 

YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE IN LOVE AND WANT TO BE WITH WHEN THEY DO NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY.

 

Really there is no point asking the question over and over again. It is not healthy to remain close friends with someone in this situation.

 

OK so she wants to remain friends. But it is not her that has the problem with it, it is you. You want more. If she is going to dump you she has to learn that there is a price to pay for that.

I just don't know what price I have to pay for it.

 

Agrajag,

 

Aren't you mad when you knew she was into somebodyelse other than you?

Oh hell yeah. I felt more betrayed than anything.

 

When she said that she loved you. Don't interpret that as "love" as "in love". She might love you but not in love you. Love because yes she liked you and she cared about you but no more than that.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like she even 'loves' me. She told me that she'd realized she still was IN love with me before we got BACK together but she was clearly mistaken. It wasn't MY misinterpretation.

 

If you don't want to stop losing her as your bestfriend. You can keep that friendship with her, BUT you need to move on. Find another girl. Girl is not only her. Yes, it's your first love, but First love is not always beautiful.

 

I have no confidence in myself to move on. She's got a freakin waiting list while I am driving them away.

 

She IS beautiful. And for a time that was mine. She was my first everything.

 

I believe you'd much happier without her. Maybe you won't admit it right now, but once you start, then you'll realize it one day.

 

Without her? I haven'tt been this sad or depressed in years! I've never even cried because of emotion hits before this.

 

Why do you want to keep someone who doesn't want you? Why do you want to hurt yourself when something doesn't worth to be kept?

 

One day I had my beautiful and wonderful lover and the next she wanted the "space" that ended it all. I'm stll waiting to WAKE UP from this nightmare to holding her in my arms. I want that back so badly you have no idea. just writing this is making tears roll down my face. I just want her back in my arms. I want to wake up and be right where we met. Looking at her again for the first time because that was the day my life got so much better. To have that first kiss again. To just be IN love with EACH OTHER again. I just want to wake up to it.

 

I can't take this!! I don't know why it's so hard to let go. i just want her back...

[babybees]

Agrajag,

 

I believe you can if you at least give a try. You need to start, otherwise you won't know. You will keep dragging yourself to a wrong path and wasting your time. Stop doing that!

I know it hurts for now. Why don't you stop thinking about her? Go find activities and get busy. Go out with your friends. And find dates again.

 

I'd been in your situation when I couldn't let go my ex. Didn't want somebodyelse. But i think you should do like everyone here told you..stop talking with her for awhile. Just tell her that you need a space. Tell her that if she did love you, she should be able to let you go.

 

She plays with your heart and feeling dude. That is not a good gf/friend.

A good friend will not treat her friend like a trash. She should respect you as a person, not a toy.

 

Btw, Did she always say the "word" (love/in love) and you guys have sex after?

 

I always believe with the quote "everything happens for a reason"

and "When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. "

 

you exactly like that "door" situation..you still stand in front of the closed door, hoping to be open again. Without you realizing it... actually a better life has been waiting for you to be through.

 

Sometimes you need to pass through a big painful life first before you find a happiness. Let her go. She's a loss. She doesn't deserve you. You deserve someone better.

 

Trust me, I would not suggest you this and that if I never experienced it myself either. Remember, I'd been in your situation before. And i actually regretted that I didn't listen to what my friend told me to move on sooner. I know it's a very hard move, but you MUST try. I know you can do it. The first step you can do is just not to think about her. Stop talking and seeing her for awhile. And do bunches of activities with your friends.

 

Okie dokie?

 

 

-babybees

[Rainz]

Agrajag,

 

I've just read through this whole thread. People here DO understand how you feel and what you're going through. Have been where you're at and are still even going through it.

 

Your life is NOT over because your exgirl broke it off with you.

 

Take control of yourself and your life, there are 6 billion people walking this earths surface YOU WILL meet other girls that you like.

 

Friends with benefits DOES NOT work for you IF YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH THEM. The only person who will BENEFIT is her.

I went through with an ex of mine when I was 24 and we split, I really believed that there was hope that we would get back toegther because we were still hooking up and getting on....it DELAYED my healing. Though I met other guys and dated my pathway was blocked because my emotiuons for him were still being kept alive. Since then I've always done NC and pretty much stuck to it and it DOES work. The quicker you allow yourself to get all the emotions out of your system and see the situation for what it is you will start putting one foot in front of the other and get back on with your life.

 

You're just 18, not 88, you have planty of time to get past this and build your life.