Advice needed in the worst way..Should I leave him? help...

[pattysky]

A friend of mine named Marilyn needs help, she asks you all:

 

 

I met my boyfriend 3 and 1/2 years ago. In the begginning I was very happy, but throughout the relationship whenever I mentioned marriage, he would be very reluctant. However, he did come around and we finally got engaged in Feb. Now I'm feeling undecided myself because I don't know how sincere the effort on his part really was. I feel that he's marrying me only because he doesn't want to lose me, because he always told me that he never wanted to get married again.

I'm also undecided because throughout the relationship I've seen signs of abuse and uncontrolled anger. Also, he can be very immature at times and this is why I am conflicted. He is more self centered than he is caring, yet he does have a caring side to him. After he gave me the ring, it wasn't long before he started to excuse some abusive behavior by saying "you got the ring, I did everything you wanted me to do".. He makes me feel guilty.....What should I do? PLease help.....

 

 

Marilyn, (patty's friend)

[nickb]

well let me first say that marrige is definitely not something to rush into. it's a lot easier to leave a bad relationship than end a marrige that barely got off the ground.

 

seriously think through things, and talk to him about everything. he might be feeling scared and unsure, and that might be why he proposed.

 

i can't offer much more advice, except i'd wait a while to get married until you're sure about things.

[SeaBisquit]

it kinda sounds like neither one of you are really ready for mariage. you are having doubts about his behavior and both of you may be rushing into something you are not ready for. it sounds to me like you have many things to resolve before considering marriage if you want it to be a happy one.

[DN]

Anger is a human emotion - it's OK to feel it if it is controlled. It is when it is not under control that there is a problem because that usually points to a difficulty resolving problems.

 

How is he abusive? Physically, emotionally, verbally? What does he do?

[pattysky]

..WEll in response to how abusive he is, he once threw a ceramic coffee cup at me, and he pushed me, but that was the extent of the physical abuse. He sometimes asks me to do a threesome and tells me that it's his fantasy, yet he is so jealous of me talking to other men. He also tells me that I'm overweight sometimes. I feel so sad because I am begginning to feel numb towards him. I gave him his ring back and told him that I need to think, and he said "I wish I knew how to make you love me again" I am so confused, if anyone has any thoughts, please share...

 

 

Marilyn

[Falucchi]

Sounds like a relationship that needs to end 3 years ago, and a marriage that should never happen.

 

Are you one of those women who say........

 

__ AT LEAST HE only drinks beer and not hard stuff

 

__ AT LEAST HE doesn't hit me, he only yells/threatens to/degrades me

 

__ AT LEAST HE works most of the time

 

__ AT LEAST HE isn't like my dad/brother/previous boyfriend

 

__AT LEAST HE comes home at night/dates me/is still around

 

__ AT LEAST HE bought me the ring

 

__AT LEAST HE pays my bills

 

__AT LEAST HE doesn't beat my children

 

__ AT LEAST HE does have little caring side--now and then

 

__AT LEAST HE is someone to have around til someone better comes along

 

__AT LEAST HE ______________(fill in what your normally say)

 

Loving someone doesn't mean you are forced to LIVE with them forver-- you're allowed to break it off. You can "love" someone and know he's not the right man for you, and end it, depsite loving him. Sometimes loving isn't very healthy.

[Hope75]

This guy does not sound that marriage material, that's for sure!

 

Why would you even waste another minute with him?

 

In a normal, healthy relationship people should feel like they are equal partners, supported and cared for in every way, and this guy is abusive and volitile, and is only marrying you because you pushed the issue!

 

I wouldn't go through with it. The only walking I'd be doing is not down the aisle, but away from him.

[Clarissa]

I was once in a relationship very similiar to this one. I was engaged to him for 2 1/2 yrs. And he was emotionally abusive towards me. He'd hurt me, then say, "I said I was sorry, get over it." I kept giving myself excuses to stay with him...that he had his good side, he sometimes was sweet, but it seemed every month he made me cry. Yes, I loved him with all of my heart, and I knew he loved me the same, but I think my biggest problem was scared of being alone. Over the course of those 2 1/2 years, we broke up about 3 times. But the forth time, I called it for good. He had hurt me for the last time. He begged for my forgiveness, as always, but I said no more. I was sick of being hurt. That was 1 1/2 yrs ago. I'm still single, out there dating trying to find my soulmate. But when I've read back on what I wrote in my journals I think to myself, why did I let him do that to me? Why did I let him tear me apart? Insecurities. I am so much happier now. And I couldn't even imagine how miserable I would've been if I would've married him. Marriage doesn't change a relationship to make things better. So don't be fooled into thinking that once you're married to him that things will be wonderful. It will only get worse. Any kind of abuse, be it emotional, physical or mental, is not worth anything in this world. And no amount of compromising will ever change that.

[Falucchi]

I think one of the hardest questions to answer is:

"Why do you love someone who hurts you so badly?"

 

Most will say something like

because he's .......

and he's .........

and he's usually.......

and he can be so........

and we've been together for.....

and I know he really......

 

But the original question still remains:

"Why do you love someone who hurts you so badly?"

 

Answering that question means you have to see things like:

because I have low self esteem

or because I'm afraid

or because I feel worthless

And maybe even having to DO something about it.

 

Staying in a bad relationship lets you avoid the self-questions/change, because you're too busy trying to understand the other person's behavior. It's a real safety net.

And being able to avoid self-reflection is very very important to many people.

It's as if the "good" person uses the "bad" person-- it's a two-way street, but neither person is on the right track.