Why do I want to be with another?

[Mishka]

Hello.

I am a new member of enotalone.com and am in need of some advice. I hope you don't mind reading because what I am about to write might take awhile. So, here goes.

 

I have been in a relationship for a few years. Actually, it is my first ever lesbian relationship. I fell in love with her instantly. Her innocence and naive behavior is, probably, what drew me to her. In the beginning, and like other "new beginnings", everything was so perfect. From getting to know each other to the passion we have developed between the two of us, she was everything I was looking for in a life-partner. So I thought.

 

Her and I, we are each others first. Meaning, I was her very first kiss, her first intimate partner, her first relationship, and (she) hopes I would be her last. As for myself, she isn't the very first woman I ever kissed and not the very first woman I ever made love to. But, as for the relationship part, she is my first (and I hope she, too, will be my last).

 

I love this woman. At least, I think I do. I mean, everytime we get into an argument, which was plentiful in the beginning, and now (just not as often), sometimes I get this feeling that our relationship is over And everytime I feel that we have reached the end of our relationship, I feel sad and upset and alone. Being over 30 years of age, I keep telling myself that perhaps my reason for feeling that way is because I have become very insecure and am actually afraid of being alone. Before I met her, I was alone for a very long time. I loved my freedom. I always thought that sharing my time with another would be too much work and being in a loving and caring relationship is something I would never want to get into. Well, that idea changed right away, at least after meeting my partner.

 

Intimacy was great, in the beginning. But that too has changed. Before, I wanted us to make love almost everyday. And she felt the same way. Presently, I do not seem to have the same urges. When she starts to seduce me, I always seem to make excuses. I would tell her that I am tired, or simply tell her the truth, that I am not in the mood. And when we do make love, unfortunately, I have faked it a few times. I feel really terrible. Why am I feeling like this? How did I lose my passion for her?

 

Lately, I have been longing for another woman's touch. I fantasize about being with another. In my fantasy, she fulfills everything I am missing in my real world. In my fantasy, she is everything I have been looking for. And when I wake up, or "snap out of it", guilt sets in. Here I am, a person in love, and she wants to be with another. Why is this happening? What is going on with me? With us?

 

Can you please help me? Has anyone else been, or going, through what I am going through? Did I get into this relationship too quickly?

 

HELP! Please HELP!

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my writing. I apologize for its length. I hope to hear from you soon.

[browner95]

I'm ten years younger than you, so my wisdom isn't quite on par with yours, but I'll do my best to help you. I was alone for a long time, actually I never had a girlfriend til I was 20, I enjoyed just like you did, but there were some lonely, hard nights mixed in there. I thought all my problems would be solved if I had a girlfriend. Then I met Annie!! She made everything better for a while, she was amazingly beautiful, she was everything I'd ever wanted, yeah. Anyway after a while I just wanted to be with other girls so bad! I loved Annie, but for some reason I just wanted to be with other girls. It was all in my head, all in my head. Some people will say that you don't really love the person if you feel this way, but I don't think that's true. It's human nature. Smack yourself, try as hard as you can to recognize what you have. Get in the right mindset, try as hard as you can to get in the right mindset. I didn't, I ended up messing things up with her because i thought something was wrong with me, and she wasn't right for me. I didn't realize how big of a mistake I made until after she broke up with me. Now I'm sitting here, you know, still feeling broken hearted, but better. Just DONT do anything hasty, and focus on all the good, tell yourself you want this girl...I have a feeling you really do deep down, this is all just in your head....Good luck, brother, and may the force be with you.

[BlossomPStar]

Hi! I'm 25 and in my first ever lesbian relationship and the first ever serious relationship I've been in. (I've had boyfriends before - I'm bi). Granted my girl and I are at the point of ending the realtionship, but I can relate to how you're feeling. Sometimes when things happen like this in relationships, it's b/c you desire change - sometimes a couple's sex life can become so monotnous and this may be the case for you. Maybe you guys can take a long weekend, away from everything and everyone. Sometimes you may also get bored with your surroundings - maybe you guys can try different places, different styles...who knows? Maybe it's just easier to say you're not in the mood than to try to go through with it. It could even be that there is something medically (or hormonal) taking charge. I took a human development course recently where I learned that sometimes when an individual reaches his or her 30's they go through a short mid-life crisis b/c they begin to question wheather or not their life is on track. I would suggest that you and your gf get out some and try to do different things to bond. I wouldn't necessary say to just break-up. You should definitely talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel, be honest. Who knows what will happen and if you guys ARE meant to be, but you should at least give it a shot. That way, when it's all said and done you know you gave it your best. Good luck!

[kere]

From your post I can see that you love your gf very much. Nothing is wrong with being attracted to other girls, people always want what they cannot have because they are bored with what they do have.

 

The real question is, is the trill of the chase worth losing the one you love????

 

I agree with the other posts, plan a romantic get-a-way and see what happens. I am sure u just need to remember the reasons u fell in love with ur gf.

 

Good luck

Kere

[xo_fallingangel_xo]

I agree w/ Kere completely. It's normal to still be attracted to other women/men when you're in a relationship...it's only human. It's what you *do* with that sense of attraction that is important. Just be careful and monitor your feelings. If you find you reach a point where you don't want to be with her because your sense of curiosity or passion is so much that you feel trapped in the relationship, that's a sure sign that you need to think seriously about leaving the relationship. good luck!

[rachel1571]

Hi Mishka,

 

I've read your post and was in exactly the same situation, I met my gf when i was 30 she was my first in every way just like you gf. After being alone for so long I don't think you can ever fully prepare yourself for how intense the relationship is in the beginning. Nor can you prepare yourself for when the intensity is no longer there, there is a feeling that it is half the relationship that you had before and you wonder if you are settling.

 

You should talk to your gf, tell her how your feeling she maybe feeling the same. Or maybe able to reassure you that things aren't as bad as they seem at the moment. There is a lot of pressure on having your first serious relationship so late in life and there is a strong element of fear to ending the relationship when your in your 30's. I understand this completely, the situation is very harrowing and I wish you both all the best however it turns out.