Am I crazy?

[DanielLJ]

I know something is wrong with me, but I just don't know what. I have had problems with major depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol for many years now. The alcohol was self medication. It made me feel okay. I drank to excess, and when the depression would hit, I would usually end up back in AA. I have stayed sober for as long as 18 months before. I have had several periods of sobriety that lasted over a year. Today, I don't feel that I am an alcoholic. I seldom drink. I was chaptered out of the Army because I was diagnosed with dysthymic disorder. After I got out of the Army, I continued to have problems. I seemed to keep ending up in the same place-emotionally indifferent, angry, depressed, withdrawn from family/friends/enjoyable activities. I sought the help of another professional and he diagnosed as being bipolar. I'm not really sure this is the problem either. I was put on Zoloft, then Effexor, then Paxil when I was in the Army and it did help some. I am terrible about staying on my meds. When the doc diagnosed me with bipolar disorder after I got out of the Army, he kept me on the Paxil and added Lithium Carbonate. I do okay for a while, but I keep getting back in the same place as mentioned before. In addition, I find that I am becoming more and more angry also. I frequently think about being violent towards people that run into when I am withdrawn. For example, if a drunk comes up and asks me for money when I am at a gas staion or somewhere, I usually get furious and cuss him out and tell him to get a *beep* job. I work and you can too. I always want them to be violent towards me so I can let all of my anger go on them. Thoughts like beating them to death with some object like a large wrench or hammer always pop into my mind. I feel really *beep* up. What do I need to do? At work, I feel like I am always behind and I have great difficulty in getting organized and managing my daily tasks. I work as an engineer, so it is imperative that I do my job well or costly mistakes be the result. I am not happy and I want all of this to change. I live in a rural area that I grew up in and it has been reduced to nothing. The economy is dead and there are no women here that I am remotely interested in. I just want to pick up and leave, but I am afraid my problems will come with me. I don't know what to do!

[Jitrenda]

Okay...it's great that you want to pick up and leave and go to a place where the economy is leaving. But to be honest...you're problems WILL follow you. The only way to get over them is to work through them or with them. I moved myself to get away from myself and my problems...didn't work...they followed me and present themselves in different situations. So i am now trying to work through them. So work through them and everything will be fine and back to the way you want it! I hope this helps...

If you want to talk ...you can add me to your msn list or yim list or pm me on this forum. Please take care..i have to go to work...but as soon as i get home i will look for you. Take care and take it easy!