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I know something is wrong with me, but I just don't know what. I have had problems with major depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol for many years now. The alcohol was self medication. It made me feel okay. I drank to excess, and when the depression would hit, I would usually end up back in AA. I have stayed sober for as long as 18 months before. I have had several periods of sobriety that lasted over a year. Today, I don't feel that I am an alcoholic. I seldom drink. I was chaptered out of the Army because I was diagnosed with dysthymic disorder. After I got out of the Army, I continued to have problems. I seemed to keep ending up in the same place-emotionally indifferent, angry, depressed, withdrawn from family/friends/enjoyable activities. I sought the help of another professional and he diagnosed as being bipolar. I'm not really sure this is the problem either. I was put on Zoloft, then Effexor, then Paxil when I was in the Army and it did help some. I am terrible about staying on my meds. When the doc diagnosed me with bipolar disorder after I got out of the Army, he kept me on the Paxil and added Lithium Carbonate. I do okay for a while, but I keep getting back in the same place as mentioned before. In addition, I find that I am becoming more and more angry also. I frequently think about being violent towards people that run into when I am withdrawn. For example, if a drunk comes up and asks me for money when I am at a gas staion or somewhere, I usually get furious and cuss him out and tell him to get a ***ing job. I work and you can too. I always want them to be violent towards me so I can let all of my anger go on them. Thoughts like beating them to death with some object like a large wrench or hammer always pop into my mind. I feel really ***ed up. What do I need to do? At work, I feel like I am always behind and I have great difficulty in getting organized and managing my daily tasks. I work as an engineer, so it is imperative that I do my job well or costly mistakes be the result. I am not happy and I want all of this to change. I live in a rural area that I grew up in and it has been reduced to nothing. The economy is dead and there are no women here that I am remotely interested in. I just want to pick up and leave, but I am afraid my problems will come with me. I don't know what to do!

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Change is always a good thing. It may not seem like it at the time but in the end it always pays off. If you're not happy where you are try somewhere different. Worse case scenario you'll realize how could it was where you are now and move back.

 

Most people who are depressed find themselves in a loop. THey do the same thing everyday and it gets to them. If you feel motivated to move I say grab hold of that motivation and use in to start again. If you are bipolar then that will take time to heal and you should start taking your meds.

 

Good Luck

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yea i have been there to cept for the drinkin part if i were u i would find someone a friend to talk to bout everything and find a girl i would move and start over just do it and i bet ull feel better i mean wuts the worst that can happen just try to feel better and talk to a friend bout this they help

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