I Don't Know What to Do

[lost....]

Hi, I can't let go of this thought. When I was a kid, my mom tried to kill me once. She set our car on fire while I was in the backseat sleeping. Child services took me away for a whole year while my mother was in prison for her trial. Now, I'm an adult who is still finishing school. I can't help not crying. About a year ago I posted under a different screen name, just for privacy reasons.

 

To make a long story short, my mother is back in my life. I stay with her because I need the fiancial support, and I think she's financially supporting me because she feels guilty for what she did. Our relationship's never been stable. She was always cold and distant to me as a child. After my father died, she became more and more physically abusive torwards me.

 

As an adult, I have a hard time coping with things sometimes, because of the verbal abuse she put me through. Not only that, when I complained about her bf abusing me as a child, she told me, "Please understand me. I need to stay with him." Well, what I went through severely affected who I am as an adult. I feel as though no one will understand me. Not only that, I still have scars of going through sexual molestation as a child. When I told my mom about what happened, instead of being sympathetic with me, she told me that I deserved it because I wanted to be molested. But I was only a child for goodness sakes! Not even a teen!

 

I'm so pissed at the court for letting her go. Sometimes, I wish they would've just sent her to prison. It still hurts just thinking about all of the trauma I went through.

 

Now, I'm much older, and the abuse continues. I don't know what to do. I am by no means, financially stable enough to move out. I'm saving up some money, but don't know if I could afford to move out. If I move out, then I will be perpetually broke and will never be able to finish school. Living expenses from where I live is high. I don't know what to do to survive. As of this point, I really don't know what to do. Please tell me what I can do. I feel hopeless. Thanks for listening.

[atigdng]

You don't happen to have any friends or sane family members nearby? If you can't handle the abuse, then it may just be better to try to move out, you say the cost of living is high where you live, have you thought of moving? Have you tried to communicate this to your mother that if she abuses you then your gone? It sounds like the best thing is to work it out somehow with your mom, if she does feel sorry for her trying to kill you then there must be some way to make her understand that your her kid and it is illegal and wrong to abuse you.

[tabytha]

*Wraps you in a big cuddle*

 

Wow.

 

First, you an move out. It's not impossible, you may not be rich, but you'll be safe. Look into hostels, look outside of your area. Seems like you need a change.

 

I suggest you get out. Thats just not healthy. You need to get away from her.

 

My mother also tried to kill, on three occasions, when she was drunk. I owe my brother my life. But we never called welfare, we just waited for her to sober up. When i was 16 i decided to move and organised a hostel. My mother died that day of an overdose so i'll never know what it was like as instead of moving to a hostel my family came up and organised me to board somewhere.

 

My point is get out. there are places you can go and people you can turn to. It's not impossible

 

if you need to talk i'm here

[pattysky]

Dear Lost,

No human being deserves to be molested. Your mom is not well mentally, but she does love you in her own way, the only way she knows how. She was a weak person and she couldn't leave her boyfriend because of her insecurities. She took everything out on you, and the guilt she feels she turns into anger because it's an easier emotion to deal with.

You can change your life, I promise, but you have to move out and fast. Get roomates if you have to, and if you qualify for medicaid, get it and go get therapy because it really helps you to understand yourself and others. It is the best thing you can do for yourself to build up your self esteem and to confront all the demons in your life.

At some point in life, we have to forgive our parents and take responsibilty for own lives and you will. Start therapy first so that you can build your confidence to get a better living situation away from your mom for now. You really need to detach from her while you heal. I wish you luck and happiness and know that you are a wonderful human being that deserves good things in life.

 

 

much love to you

pattysky

[HajiMaji]

I feel for you dude, 100 times over. Thats a really rough situation. Its never hopeless though. Dude, you came to this website and youre asking for advice. Thats a huge step. The fact you are thinking about these things and trying to cope with the past pain is a very brave thing to do. I definitely admire that.

 

It really seems like moving out of your place is the best thing to do right now. Take it one step at a time, and i have faith that youll come through in the end. You can definitely move past this man!

[lost....]

Hi,

 

Thank you all for your replies. I'm so glad to hear that I wasn't the only one to go through this. I would like to thank you each individually. And personally to Tabytha, since your situation sounds similar to mine, I would like to say that you should be proud of who you are and the way that you turned out to be.

 

I know that everyone's life is tough, but just the thought that I can come here and find support is enough for me to know that I can't give up. What I realized from last night is that it's okay for life to not be normal. It's okay to have some kind of dysfuction, because reality, no one lives a perfect life.

 

But, once again, thanks for listening and thank you all for your advice. I wish you all the best.