What do i do with these feelings?

[urbangentleman]

Hi everyone, its urban here, too all of you in pain out there, i hope by sharing we can all get through together.

 

I lost my gal 3 weeks ago, and the break up was very civil and a long 2 hour talk (see other posts). I'm reaaly hurt, confused and lonely right now.She has left the door open, saying give me a call in a month or two and see where were both at.She isnt ready and needs time, but i fear she will just forget me, and know that other guys are going to chase her because she is extremely attractive.I have resisted the urge on a daily basis to contact her, but some days i feel like im just not strong enough.This is my first relationship in 15 months, as i have had to heal from my last one that was very painful.Basically in that case the day i lost my business due to circumsatnces, she walked out on me.It was a heavy load because i lost my house, my business, and my girl all in the same day.Back to the situation now, i finally thought i has found someone again, and now its all over.I just need to find away to get past this, and it seems really odd because i have only known her for 3 months. I'm wondering if i should move as my new business will be up and running soon, and it doesnt matter were i am based. Part of me thinks i should and part of me wants to stay here in case she calls me. In my head i know i should move on and what ever will be will be.I have really low self confidence right now, which is unusual for me, and i constantly look around and feel unattractive compared to other guys.I feel like i wasnt good enough for her and that maybe she isnt attracted to me anymore.I just dont feel as though i'm ever going to be good enough for anyone.My friends tell me that i am a good looking guy and have a great personality with lots of carisma, but i just dont feel anything inside anymore....my passion and zest for life is slowing going. What should i do here....i'm totally confused and depressed....and i miss her companionship more than anything....please help me. I feel that we wer so right together adn within a week our coversations went from her calling me babe and telling me everything was great to dumping me a week later.I want to believe that what she has told me... but i just dont know.

[NorthStar90745]

at least you got a chance to be with her. that should be some comfort.

[PhoenixInATL]

Wow, after three months and everything seeming to be okay up until a week ago...it sounds like she had commitment issues. It doesn't mean that you had to have brought them up. Sometimes they scare themselves when they cross "the line" in their heads. I went through that, again and again and again, with my ex, who still loves me to this day and I love him too, but it's just not going to happen.

 

On one hand, you may think I'm biased on my experience. But a hallmark of commitmentphobic relationships is that everything is fine and then BAM! And there's the "three-month mark" that tends to scare some people, moreso really if they have issues with commitment.

 

Given that everything seemed fine until a week ago and suddenly she ran, either she's commitmentphobic or hasn't been honest about her feelings and has been playing the role. Either way, regardless of how you feel for that person (trust me on how much I still love him), is it IN YOUR BEST INTERESTS to continue to persue a relationship with that person?

 

That doesn't mean it's not going to still hurt. You're still going to miss her. She still a person outside of either issue. Regardess, the issue is there and ingrained enough within her that the relationship went belly-up with no notice. With "normal" people, the relationship starts to fade and there is an opportunity to notice that. Sudden endings like this rarely have to do with the relationship, and have far more to do with the person that suddenly ended it.

 

I do know it hurts. Trust me. But try to look at it logically in whether you want to remain being there for someone who can't be there for you. It doesn't matter even how much they love you. They just can do it. I battled my family and friends for years, and now I'm eating my hat. They recognize that there are redeeming qualities about him, but his behavior towards relationships, is less than healthy for me. There are plenty of other people who wouldn't run without warning, especially if the relationship seemed fine a week before.

[PhoenixInATL]

It's me again, famous for "Part Deux" posts...LOL!!!!

 

You had said:

 

I have really low self confidence right now, which is unusual for me, and i constantly look around and feel unattractive compared to other guys.I feel like i wasnt good enough for her and that maybe she isnt attracted to me anymore.I just dont feel as though i'm ever going to be good enough for anyone.My friends tell me that i am a good looking guy and have a great personality with lots of carisma, but i just dont feel anything inside anymore....my passion and zest for life is slowing going.

 

Again, here's my rebuttal from my last post (and then some):

 

Sudden endings like this rarely have to do with the relationship, and have far more to do with the person that suddenly ended it.

 

Read that again. People typically just fizzle out, if that's the way it's going to go. They don't just "hi, babe!"/"sorry it's over" in a week's time, unless the one breaking it off has major issues. So really, after my six years of experiencing that over and over again and "trying to understand", count your blessings that you can recognize that a sudden breakup like that is not normal. And it's best to stay away.

 

Please learn from my and other's experiences. How many times did we go from here again, gone again??? It's nice to be understanding, but looking back, if someone doesn't respect you and your feeling enough to be honest with you about theirs, or has such an issue that they'd feel ok one week and break up with you the next. I'd think long and hard about giving them a second chance. But if you do, if they do it AGAIN, move on.

 

If you think I'm just bitter, I'm not, I'm at peace with it, but read this-- He's Scared, She's Scared-Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships.

 

Yeah, some people run fueled by immaturity, but when you "grow up" there are other forces involved. This book actually helped me see that I'm a commitmentphobic myself, and that's why I'd been drawn to one for so long, because I knew in my heart he'd never get there. Funny as it is, once I dropped his stuff off (furniture and all) at his mother's house and told her to tell him I said goodbye, he ended up getting a job where I worked.

 

He called me to tell me about it, and in the process begged me back and asked me to marry him. Frankly, although it's all I ever wanted, it scared the death out of me. But I stuck through. We immediately went on a trip to the West Indies. Although the first 38 hours or so were picture perfect, he spooked himself and flew home, leaving me there by myself on our 11 day trip.

 

Essentially, with a commitmentphobe, it doesn't end. They can't commit to being with you, and they can't commit to being without you. Even if they want to marry you. My situation is a testament to that. They're still going to break your heart. Unless they recognize it and get help for it. Which they pretty much never do. To "fix it" would bring them closer to the thing they fear most, so they're not inspired to. But they still try to love, unhealthily. And they do "love", but again, the interaction is not healthy. Frankly, it's sad for everone involved.

 

Really, read this:

 

He's Scared, She's Scared-Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships.

 

The author is Steven Carter and he's written many well-acclaimed books on relationships, especially along these topics.

[PhoenixInATL]

...

[heloladies21]

Don't string yourself along like that. It's over and you shouldn't call her ever. It would be her job to try and convince you to take her back because she' the one who broke up with and hurt you. If you want to move, then move. If you want to go on a vacation, you can do that as well. Anything you want to do. You're #1, you're in control of your life and how you feel. Make your life as great as it can be and you will find someone better than her. It's destiny.

[Rainz]

Urbangent,

 

I understand how you feel, I had a similar break up experience, he was the perfect gentleman right up until the 11th hour and then suddenly just became distant. Didn't acknowledge or discuss it really when I tried to address it with him, there was no offical BReak up or anyt break up talk, we just "parted ways". Right up until then he was so "in love" and suddenly just switched.

I felt so hurt, confused, disappointed and heartbroken...so far it's been 9weeks and he hasn't even blinked back in my direction. When he was the one who was so keen and full on from the start.

I broke NC this week by sending him a letter (not to try getting him back but to get some things off of my chest, i feel a lot better now).

 

Phoenix

Your posts about the commitmentphobia thing were so spot on relating to my ex...as much as I still love him, I'd have to think really long and hard about taking him back if he ever did come back because those commitmentphobia issues are dangerous and the hurt and hreatche you feel is so heavy.

As you said with "normal" people things kind of fizzle out and are talked about, my ex really couldn't seem to "see" what my problem was when I addressed with him the way he was treating me. It was so frustrating! I can't understand how he can't seem to understand that you don't do that to people?

Everyone around me is just as stunned, none of it adds up or makes any sense what he's done, one minute he's there telling me to book a holiday, and he can't wait for us to view properties together, and allsorts and then the next it's like it never happened. I can't work like that at all.

I feel sorry for them thought because they will never really know how to give/reeive real love unless they recognise their ways. I noticed with him is that when he talked of previous reltionship failures it was always the exes fault. Then when I was able to get something out iof him, he's blaming me for the "break up" (shakes head).

[Rainz]

Urban,

 

I know it's going to sound cliche and stuff but remember cliches aren't cliches for no reason.

Just keep yourself busy, do the things that you enjoy, surround yourself with people who care and love you and have a positive effect on you. Try journalling your feelings to vent them out, that has helped me so much. You will find that it will get easier to deal with.

 

When you find yourself relly missing her and tempted to make contact etc, try to think of how she ha hurt you. Take an onjective view on what she's done and you WILL start to think less of her as a person. You will start to realise that it IS more about her than it was about the relationship. Sometimes some people just don't know when they have something good. Consider it her loss.

 

That's what's happening with me now. I think now, Wow, you really aren't right? How can you treat someone like that and walk away from it as though it's nothing. His loss!

 

Also keep coming here to enotalone and you will read through and see that many people have had similar experiences.

 

Hope you feel better, pm me if you need to.

[PhoenixInATL]

Rainz, definitely get yourself a copy of that book. Just as I found, you'll find many examples of relationships that went just like yours in there. Yours is "textbook". And they also interviewed the "runners", which gives helpful and healing insight into what causes them to do that. It's not us, it's truly them...LOL! And I agree with you on the fact that all his previous relationships where "her fault". Mine, who I still have to see at work, to this day makes negative comments about marriage/relationships, etc.

 

Finally after all this time he was moving in with me--his initiative--mentioned how "perfect" it all was one night, and the next day he was gone, turns out to be in the arms of his ex for a week, with no word from him, and took her on our Valentine's weekend trip instead of me. And then was "too busy" running around with her to come get his stuff--in reality, he didn't want it to be over, he was just running scared. But I got tired of feeling the heartache of looking at it, so I packed up all the newly arrived furniture and belongings, hired some movers and a UHaul, dropped everything off at his mother's house and told her to tell him I said goodbye. I ignored him for months, and he got a job at my company. But as said, we did get back together, briefly, and only because he said he wanted to marry me, after all of the negative attitudes and comments previously, so I thought the spell had broken. Nope, we went on the trip of a lifetime and he left me in the West Indies by myself. THE END. LOL!!! And yeah, he started the "new job" the week after I got back from "vacation". Imagine how awful THAT was!!!! LOL!!!!!!

[Rainz]

Left you in the West Indies on you jack jones!!!! What a *beep*, you see that right there, is what is so scary about them. I really don't get it with those types at all (shakes head) weird. Seems like I had a lucky escape then. The aspect that hurts me most about my ex is that I'm now 32, he's 39 next month and has been admiring me since I was 19 and has known me since I was 19. Even before getting together we always got on well and had a good rapport, and to think they he could just let everything go and move along as though I never exisited and not even blink backwards. That hurts.

But I'm doing quite good this week, I've not been feeling bitter, I think sending that letter really helped me let go. I now feel open to meeting new guys and I'm glad I've not someone who "does their thing like that" in my life. Can't wait to get that book.

[PhoenixInATL]

Urbangent, Rainy and I wandered a bit from your original post, but hopefully you can take something away from that in that it's amazing how similar commitment-phobic relationships can progress, and leave your head spinning in the end with more questions than you have answers for, or ever will from the one who ran. That's why this book had been so helpful to me. The first few go-rounds with him, I agonized over "what did I do?" and "what did I say"? No, nothing I did or said would've ever driven someone to vanish like that. It took me a long time to realize that. And this book addresses the effect on the person left behind as well. It's really looks at all of the perspectives. I hope you read it before she comes back, because they typically do, but not for healthy reasons. As said, they can't live with you, can't live without you, and once they have you back, they tend to do it again...and again...and again...

 

I'm a little embarrassed to admit how many times I took him back (you can't count it on just one hand...), but every time he said whatever he needed to convince me, raising the bar on himself a little more each time. But it's over now. He's raised the bar so high this time by asking me to marry him and ditching me on vacation that I can't imagine WHAT he'd have to come up with "next" time, and he probably realizes that too. LOL!!!