Getting over the traces of emotional abuse?

[marolua]

Last week I realized something. Teh reason why my close three female friends circle was able to understand each other was that because we have been all victims of emotional abuse!! I am so sorry to realize that, but I am happy to realize that finally.

 

We all have similar traits, low self-esteem, unability to decide, or to know what is the right thing to do and things like that.

 

But I also read a post about 'avoiding losers'. I have been afraid that I myself may begin to act like a loser when I begin a relationship. Since I have realized that, I also found out that I need improvement, so I have been alone for some time, trying to improve myself by all means, and fighting loneliness.

 

However I also know that some things are FROM family, and I am not sure whether I will get through the memories of my father calling me names, and telling me to go from home, that I am not worth anything, I am a shame and more and more and more.

 

My question is, this forum is all to the victims of 'emotional abusers', I am also a victim but I dont want to be like my father. In my past relationship I had been one. I am so sorry for that It is so shaming to write this even here!!

 

I want to be a better person, and I think that, it is not easy to just behave like you are FINE when you are not! I might be FINE until I have a new relationship, but after that there is a high risk that I manipulate my boyfriend again! I have been doing well for some time now, I can see an improvement in my friendships, but I am afraid for my relationships!

 

There might be some self-control mechanisms for potential emotional abusers? Do you know any?

 

I would very much like to hear from people who have become SURVIVORS after experiencing abuse in their family.

 

Thanks

[smallworld]

Maralua, I commend you for wanting to be the one who breaks the pattern of emotional abuse in your family. I have a difficult relationship with my mother, so I know how you feel and your fears make sense to me.

 

Although the past colors your present, you're not doomed to repeat it. You only need to learn how to behave differently. Look around you for role models who clearly have healthy, happy relationships both with their friends and their love interests. Make friends with them! These are the people who can best teach you by living example what it means to love and be loved in a healthy manner. Note how they fight (often about the same things that abusive people do) and yet manage to resolve their conflicts with love, respect, and fairness.

 

One more thing: I went through a pretty traumatic relationship with my first bf and swore off men for a time. The most important thing Mr. Wrong taught me about screening for Mr. Right, is to look for someone who has a good relationship with his mother, because often how he treats her is an indication of the love and respect you can expect from him in your relationship. It's been 16 years since I've met Mr. Right and so far this one indicator has made me a very happily married woman. Hope it does the same for you. (And yes, my Mom-in-law is one of my emotionally healthy role models!!!) 8) Good luck!