I feel like a ...

[quazit]

...and i should. Last night i was very afraid someting had happened to my dad. Im trained in martial arts so i wasnt worried about my own safety i was just afraid something had happened to my dad. You see his car was at home, but he wasnt in or around the house. It turned out fine later but i was shaken up, still am really.

 

So i start calling up friends to talk to and i finally get ahold of my best friend and she says she will call me back in a minute... but she never does.

 

So im waiting online for someone to get on so i can talk too. See i have a weird way of dealing with issues that scare me, i kind of need to hold someone and talk to them. For some reason feeling like im protecting someone else helps me. My Ex whos broken my life into a few hundred pieces, gets online. We start talking for the first time in a while, i usually have better willpower than that.

 

She says she knows that i need to hold someone to feel better, and she offers to be that person. It has been 2 and a half hours of waiting for my friend to call back so i finally give in to her wants. I bike over there at about 2AM. Im holding her and things are going well, but she can tell im not able to resist her that night, so she starts kissing me and rubbing my body (iv gotten alot more toned since our relationship) and then just pushes me down and holds me and starts to make out with me while she unbuttons my jeans. I cant believe it i just laid there... just kind of left my body and watched her do this simply because she was letting me hold her and i needed that.

 

I did everything she wanted me to do and didnt say a word unless she asked me a direct question... I feel like such a *beep* and that i do not deserve the girl who i was going to ask out today....

 

 

Sorry if it was a bit of a rant or hard to read the grammar, iv been crying for hours and can barely see the computer screen.

 

Love, Blue

[Day_Walker]

I dont believe that you should feel like a person of ill repute, I think you should have been more aware of the situation that was happening around you. Lets look at the situation, you went over an ex's house cuz she said you needed to hold somebody and she offered to be that person, now that should be suspect right there. Atleast you should have been aware of what could possibly happen. If there is something that you didnt want to do then you need to speak up instead of just taking it. I wouldnt be ashamed of your actions, yes it happened but you also didnt make it seem that you didnt want it to happen. Its okay to not like what happened but it has happened and all you can do is learn from the situation, you dont need to beat yourself up and feel like a prostitute.

[kskm]

Well I think that the ex took advantage of your situation. I think that you should call her and talk about what happened last night. However, I would be careful not to tell her is was a "mistake" because it will really crush her self esteem. I would just tell her that you two can't do things like that because you only want to be intimate with people you are involved with. Don't feel like a ____. I hope your Dad is ok.

[quazit]

I know i should have said something, but i couldnt, i tried but everytime i did she started moving away from me and i felt voulnerable again.

 

My father is fine, turns out his car died and he came home while i was gone to switch cars. I felt so voulnerable, iv been trained well in the use of two daggers but all i could do was hope to get a call from him and sit scared in my home fiddling with my blades huddled in a corner. I felt like a stupid brat with delusions of some power to make things better.