Do I go through with this, or is he IT??

[LovesCoffee]

I' ve never wanted advice so much in my life; mainly becuase this is my first real, long relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and he is my first love. when he says 'first love' he means 'only love'. he's in it for the long run and I thought I was too, until I started thinking about being with other people. What would it be like? can i be with one person forever especially when i've never been with anyone else and I'm only 18? I have felt like I have had better emotional and intellectual connections with other guys than with him.

 

He loves me so much and I love him too, but I think about all of the things we don't have in common. We go to separate colleges and we made it through the first year with our long distance relationship becuase he came home often enough, but it was hard. We had a hard time communicating and often times he was distracted with the dorm life and when we did devote the attention to ourselves we had nothing to say except "how was your day". He is now home for the summer and we're both working and probably won't see each other more than once a week.

 

I think I want to see other people and the things that I look for in a person are not what he is. I love the city and want to live there, and he hates it. We have different views on how to live our lives or raise our children when we do get to the point of starting a family after college. He's so laid back and nothing affects him, whereas I am always acute to the things around me and react to them. I want to be with someone adventurous who could care less about money, and he wants to have a job where he makes $$ even if he is unhappy and its not his dream.

 

If we did take a break or actually break up and he found someone else, I would be really hurt and completely jelous, and I also feel that we wouldn't be able to remain friends. Is it horrible that I am willing to take that chance?

 

I don't know how to make him understand how I feel and that I still love him. I'm so confused. He is the greatest guy and I feel so lucky, but something is missing. how on earth do I do this? Do i see how it goes for the summer, or let him know what I'm thinking, but how can i do that without completely crushing his heart? Please help. any advice would be so welcome, thanks much.

 

Lesley

[RayKay]

At 18, the person you are with is very rarely 'IT' for you - you are still growing and figuring out whom you are and what you want. It is very rare that at 18 things will remain the same forever, and young marriages have higher risks of divorce for many reasons.

 

Even if you are 30, if you and your partner have very different ideas on how to live together (ie about raising children) or incompatible lifestyles, values and ideas then they are not 'IT' for you.

 

Trust me when I say you will change a lot in next few years, even if you don't believe it now, and there is no reason you MUST stay with your first ever love just because they ARE your first ever love.

 

It sounds like you two are sticking together as its all you know - for him you are his first and only, and he is your first, but you are not so sure of only. It is only fair to let him go so he can find someone who does want him and is not wondering what else is out there, and fair for you to grow and figure out what you want. You should not marry someone for love alone (though you do marry for love!) you also need to consider whether you are compatible, whether the communciation is healthy and so on and by your description it sounds like you are more or less just used to one another as opposed to you being truly in love with him.

 

Breakups are never easy, but it is not easy or fair to drag things out endlessly either. He will be hurt, but you need to also consider that it is not just about how HE feels, it is also about how YOU feel. It is clear from your feelings that you are going to continue to have doubts, and that should you two stay together and get married there will be major communication and lifestyle conflicts which will cause serious complications.

 

There is someone out there whom you will meet whom you won't have all these doubts about being with, and there is someone for him too. You can love someone but not be IN love with them or see them as your life partner. Marry/be with the person you can't live WITHOUT, not the one you can live with.

[WArrior458]

if you feel "there is something missing" than i suggest you to move on

 

think about how you really feel and what is really missing , is it love,

do u love him as a boyfriend or as a brother/friend?

 

plus i don't want you to be feeling like this the whole time your with him

you never know maybe he is feeling the same waytoo and is scared to say something ,i say ask him on how he feels about your relationship and see how that goes

 

but being honest is the best thing you can do right now, i know you don't want to break his heart but what about YOU!! you can't be in this relationship just for him and having yourself feeling unhappy, etc.

 

Well write bak and keep us updated

GoodLuck

Peace!

[HOOLIGAN]

I think most people in there 30's can agree with this....when I was 18...I probably felt the same way about a girl....at some point everyone goes through that from teens on through mid 20's. I think it's a big mistake to make that big of a committment to someone at that unless you REALLY want to be married and want to start a family with that person. SO MANY THINGS WILL change in your life between 18 and 23,24,25. You will met so may people. You will change yourself. It would be a mistake to marry or seriously commit to someone who may change in a matter of a few years .....stay young and keep growing emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. I had know idea who I was and what I was about until my late 20's. It was then that I begin to meet people that are right for me and what I want/need in a relationship.

 

Good Luck!

[LovesCoffee]

Thank you so much for your advice. I continued to think about what I want in a relationship and what I want for myself and for my future. realizing that I'm still growing as a person if definetly something that needs to take priority in my situation. I will tell him how I'm feeling and it might be hurtful in the beginning, but we will move on i'm sure, and both he and I will find someone who is more suited for us and maybe i'll just have some fun dating along the way. Thanks again, you've really helped me out and assured me guys!

[ibecowtippin]

While I'm late chiming in here, I can tell you right now, leave your options open.

 

My boss at work and I had a good heart to heart conversation one day. She is 41 and has been married 22 years to the same person. She said it was great at first, the marriage and all, but through the years, they kind of have grown apart. She said if she had it all to do over again, she would have dated well into her 20s meeting different people to find out for sure what was important to her.

 

While you say you think about his qualities when you see other people, those others might have more things to offer you. Also, the differences between you and him could cause some major friction later one. Especially about the kids, because the parents have to stick 100% together when working with kids.

 

Personally, I would say not to limit yourself so much. You both are still growing and will continue to change and values will develop and form, maybe the same ones, maybe not. But I certainly wouldn't limit myself at that point in your life to just one person. It's a big world out there....