Advice from people who have had affairs please!!!

[egirl2005]

Hi

 

In March I posted that my husband of 13 years was having an affair and now I am updating that information in the hopes of getting some advice.

 

On March 5, my husband told me he had been having an affair since December, he told me he was going to end it and he wanted to save our marriage. On March 11 he left our home, he said he was going to stay with a friend of his near work because he had a large project and needed to work on it and also because we each needed some space. I found out that he was not staying with this friend but had moved in with the woman. Over the next 6 weeks he told me that he had ended it 6 times and come home only to leave a day or two later saying he had never ended it and a lot of other things. The third week of April I found out that the woman (he had told me her name was Joanne and he met her in a bar) was actually a 45 year old women with 4 kids from his office named Karen. He and I are 37 and have one son 6. I started to toughen up because I could not spend the rest of my life crying and my son has been hurt so much by all of this. I got a lawyer and started separation proceedings, on the day I did this he came home and told me he had ended it and wanted to try to save our marriage. I told him I needed to think and took a couple of days. I have decided for the sake of my son and for my own sanity (I don't want to always question if I rushed to a separation or if I didn't give him time) to take him back.

 

Now I need to know how to move forward. He is in the spare bedroom and I don't know if that is right or if it will push us farther apart. We had a good marriage but with one major problem. My husband never wanted to have sex. I may not be as thin as I would like but I am not gross, I have a beautiful face, hair and skin and before this affair happened I had started working out. I wanted to lose 30 pounds. (I have lost 30 pounds since he told me about the affair). I never pushed my husband away I tried sexy clothes, casual clothes and asked him if it could be medical. I tried being aggressive and I also tried not asking. He would go 5-6 months without touching me. When we did have sex I believed it was good we both found fulfilment. He could never explain why this was. He always said it was his fault. I don't know if I should tell him to come back to our bedroom and if we should try to act like husband and wife etc. He does not touch me much and he does not say he loves me but he has said he still cares for me.

 

During the nine weeks since he told me of the affair we have fought a lot. He said he loved her and couldn't give her up, he said he didn't feel passion for me and he refused to go to a cousellor. He even called me a wh... and a c... when I said I wanted to house so our son and I had somewhere to live. Our finances are not good.

 

He never says anything so I don't know if he is back because of our son and the money or if he really does still care and wanted to work it out for all these reasons. (I'm not stupid enough to believe he is just back for me)

 

I have asked him to consider looking for a new job (his field is very small and he makes good money) I told him that it would be very hard on me to have him seeing her everyday. I also told him that I did not trust him and he would have to teach me that I could trust him in the future.

 

My question is where do we start. Should we be trying to sleep together. I have never confronted this woman either in person or on the phone (we met at a company picnic briefly) but I would like to call her and tell her to stay away. Don't talk to him, don't touch him, don't asked him how things are going. Do your work and STAY AWAY FROM HIM so we can have a chance to fix this. Should I insist on couselling, not to rehash the affair but to figure out where we go from here. I don't think I will ever know the whole story and I don't know how much of myself to put forward again. I don't think I could take being hurt this way again. I really don't even know if I love him anymore.

 

The sex issue is really scaring me, I don't want to go back to what we had, I shut off my sexually needs for a very long time in order to make our life more comfortable and I am not willing to do that again ( I have told him this, he doesn't say anything) but I am scared that the future holds the same. I wish I knew why he had the affair, even if it would hurt to know.

 

Could someone who has maybe had an affair tell me what steps to take to improve our relationship or if I should do nothing and see what he does. I don't know if I should move on because in my head and maybe in my heart I don't believe he is strong enought to fight to make us better. I believe he is just going through the motions in order to get his family to stop being made at him. He said I was stupid one day during a fight to read books etc. to fix this but I don't know what else to do.

[kskm]

I have never had an affair- nor have I been married. So I am not sure how much advise I can give you, but these are my thoughts while I was reading your post.

 

I am a firm believer in being happy. You are the only person that has to live your life on a day to day basis. If you are not happy in your current situation then do something about it. Only you can make you happy (As my quote states) . I understand that you want him to be their for your son and financial reasons. What I don't understand is how or why you are doing this for your son and you. I think by him being in the house, in the extra bedroom you are hurting yourself- you can't trust him ever again, not fully at least- and you will always be left with questions, why? Where? How? Was is me, was it her? Is it still?? And it's not good for your son to see you two like this. It would be better for him to see his Father on occasion, like every other weekend when everybody can "be happy" rather then in the middle of your guys fight for life. I think that you need to seriously think about moving on. I know that finances are tight for you, but you know what? As nasty as I might sound, he did this TO YOU. If you take him to court, he WILL have to pay for child support and alimony, and basically what ever you ask for- he cheated. You may not want to go that route- just know that's it's avaliable.

[Adventurer]

My heart really goes ou to you. I have two children (and one on the way) and my husband has left me. He had an emotional affair with a woman from his work. Foolishly I did not insist he break all ties with this woman. One thing I have learnt from much reading is that an affair can be like an addiction. i don't believe that you are going to get anywhere unless he breaks all contact with her. This is hard esp becasue of work and finanaces etc, but that has to be done.

 

As for your son (very close in age to me two). He is far better having the stability of being with just you than the toing and froing. Ask yourself what it is exactly that you want and then decided what it takes to achieve that. Put it to your husband. If he can't give you that then choose. Once the choice is made you MUST stick to it. I have answered so many questions from my oldest son. So hard at first but he has recevied consistent answers from me and now 4 months on the questions have dwindled and he seems to know the replies by rote. It is not his fault. His Mum and Dad love him etc. When he asks about if I do or do not lvoe his Dad I answer him that that is between Mum and Dad (as he used to try and use this by telling his Dad "you can live with us now Dad Mum loves you again". They do not understadn the complexity of adult emotions. In such hard times it is so important not to make too many major changes in your sons life (keep one foot on the ground at all times!)

 

What is sex without love and respect in a marriage? Calling you a w---- and a c--- is not respect and is not love. you can't force these things. Having sex and hoping that love and respect follow won't work they should be there first. Are you hoping that intimacy (sharing a bed not making love) with your husband will lead to this? If it didn't before then why now? Don't build on rocky foundations.

 

I sincerely hope that you can get some clarity on this. Above all love and respect yourself.x

[Iceman26]

I agree with Adventurer, dont stay in the marriage for your son, children can sense tension in a marriage and I believe that the both you and your son would be better off if you weren't married to him anymore. Good luck.

[desparatehousewife]

Your husband needs to write a letter to this woman telling her that he has committed himself to saving his marriage and that their affair is over and to please never attempt to make contact with him again. You should be allowed to read the letter. He should also immediately start looking for another job. If he refuses to do either, then he truly is not committed to saving this marriage. He will need some time to get over this woman. It will not be easy for him to just walk away from someone he cares for and has brought him pleasure. You should only invite him back into the bedroom when YOU are comfortable with him being there. Individual and couples therapy should help, again as long as he is sincere.

 

Good luck.

[GettingOverIt]

Hello,

I did have an affair, and I went back to my wife and children. It has been a very rough road. I am still struggling with a lot of things, and I am not sure what the ultimate outcome will be. But, I can tell you what I think based on what you've said here (and if you want to PM me, feel free)...

 

Sleeping in separate rooms is not a solution 'for the child.' Having your husband there 'for the child' is also not healthy if your husband degrades you and you fuss and fight a lot. What are you teaching your child by living that way? Is how things are now the way you want your son to view love and marriage? Just something to think about...

 

I recommend a period of trial separation, honestly... After my affair, I should have taken at least 6 months to get myself together without coming right back into the situation I left. Honestly, it may still come down to that - a trial separation. You both need time to make sur ethat what you are feeling for each other is REALLY what you feel - not out of guilt or whatever other feelings there may be....

 

I agree with Adventurer on the no contact thing... I still have to work with the woman I fell in love with. It makes things very difficult. I finally decided it was time to change jobs. I need to concentrate on 'me' without any of that old stuff getting in the way. Am I saying everything will be peaches and roses at home? No way. There is a lot of work to be done there, if that's the route I go....

 

A lot of people will give you some cuck-and-bull line about 'owing' it to your children to try an dwork things out. Baloney. Only *YOU* can make yourself happy. You may not know what makes you happy, but you have a pretty good idea about what is NOT making you happy. So, start with that... Cut out the things that are making you NOT happy and then you can work on the things that will make you feel happy. Is it easy? No way....

 

You have every right to be afraid of opening yourself up sexually to your husband... In my opinion, you should hold off on that... When I went back, and back, and back again, one of the first things my wife and I did was have sex... Frankly, it just messes everything else up when your emotions are all over the place...

 

You said your husband doesnt tell you he loves you!? Do you want to be married to someone who does not love you? Stop, think, pause, and act... Think about what you want for your son... Think about what you want for you...

[Hope75]

I do believe in some circumstances that after an affair if two people really love each other and want to work it out that is is possible.

 

In this situation I do not believe so. Before your husband had the affair he was not interested in you sexually for quite awhile. This is not your fault, you tried everything possible to spark his interest, and he refused to seek counselling, refused to acknowledge a problem or even talk about it.

 

He then proceeded to have an affair, lie to you about, drag you back and forth while he went from you to her to you to her, all the while hurting you and your son in the process. When confronted about the affair, he called you lude and inappropriate names when you asked to keep your home to raise your son in. He is the one in the wrong here, not you!

 

Now he's back, not talking to you about his feelings or what happened, not touching you, and not willing to go to counselling so there is some minute chance you guys can get past this and try to have a healthy relationship.

 

If you were to save this marriage you would BOTH have to want to work on it, and both be willing to put in the effort to try and save it. From what you've said I see zero interest on his part in confronting this and putting in any effort. He seems ambivalent about the entire situation.

 

I can appreciate why you took him back because you didn't want to rush into a seperation if there was a chance because you are married and have a child together.

 

But now I think you can see that after all this time he is not willing to work on the relationship and the way that you are living right now is not healthy for either of you or for your child.

 

At this point I think your best bet is to let him go and try the best you can to be good parents to your son.

[RandomAdvisor]

Speaking as someone who grew up in a completely disfunctional home, don't stay with your husband for the sake of your son! You'll end up doing the complete opposite of what you intended. Children aren't as stupid as some people think they are. They pick up on things. Just because you and your husband are "together", even sleeping in the same bed, doesn't mean your son wont be able to detect when something is wrong. HE'LL BE ABLE TO TELL WHEN YOU AREN'T HAPPY, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHEN YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND AREN'T HAPPY WITH EACH OTHER. A stable home with one parent is better for a child than an unstable one with two. Study after study has been done confirming this.

 

I agree with Hope75. I don't think your marrige can be saved.

[melrich]

I agree with some_guy. Staying together for the sake of your son is not the thing to do. He will grow up living with two parents whose relationship is dysfunctional at best. Far better for him to grow up with two parents who are separated but happy for that.