What’s the most non-awkward way to begin a friendship socially?

[catfeeder]

That could be true, but like today, we typically do a class together and she didn’t come and if it were me, like when I was not going to do a class with her the other night, I text her and just told her I wasn’t going to make it. I guess I thought it weird that she didn’t text and say anything. Perhaps I just have too high of expectations for new friendships. I don’t know. Then I start to make all of these assumptions, like, did I do something to offend her?? Which, I did NOT as far as I know. Again, it’s probably not about me. This is good though because it has triggered me in some way that clearly I need to look at and work on! Tomorrow, she teaches a class that I usually go to but I am going to meditation instead and I was going to text her to let her know that I wasn’t coming but then I decided not to after today because clearly that isn’t necessary and she doesn’t really care as much as I do about that kind of thing. I really just take things too personally.

 

Yes, she doesn't care about 'that stuff' as much as you do. She may be going through a cycle where she's overcommitted, so the idea of becoming accountable to one more person doesn't appeal to her or hasn't occurred to her. Somewhere along the line she may have picked up a high maintenance vibe from you that has backed her off. This doesn't mean she'll never evolve, but that needs to come from her--not from pursuit by you.

 

I'm not sure if I ever discussed the topic of diffusing your focus by pursuing 'many' acquaintances rather than putting your focus on one person. Friendships take time to build, they evolve from acquaintances--and not all acquaintances make that leap. So putting lots of irons into your fire prevents you from over-focusing on any one person, and this allows for any friendships that will shake out of that to happen organically.

 

Sometimes people can sense when a potential friend feels too invested for their comfort level, and it signals too much 'work.' Those who already have lots of friends may not be willing to take on anything beyond light acquaintances, but they can sense when an acquaintances expects more than that from them. There are all kinds of reasons why diffusing your focus onto lots of interests and people can make you less of a risk for those who aren't looking for accountability to someone they barely know.

 

I think we discussed keeping a light touch. Anything that comes off as an attempt to insta-bond into a bestie is likely to push away most healthy people as too heavy handed. Most people don't 'need' more accountability in their lives and will protect their privacy. So anyone who comes along and starts projecting even unspoken 'shoulds' onto them is a red flag rather than a desirable acquaintance.

 

Consider additional interests to explore, and allow acquaintances to grow from your shared exposure to that over time. Head high, this is a challenge for everyone. Avoid coming off as friend-starved, and you'll be considered a safer soul for a shared investment.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Yes, she doesn't care about 'that stuff' as much as you do. She may be going through a cycle where she's overcommitted, so the idea of becoming accountable to one more person doesn't appeal to her or hasn't occurred to her. Somewhere along the line she may have picked up a high maintenance vibe from you that has backed her off. This doesn't mean she'll never evolve, but that needs to come from her--not from pursuit by you.

 

I'm not sure if I ever discussed the topic of diffusing your focus by pursuing 'many' acquaintances rather than putting your focus on one person. Friendships take time to build, they evolve from acquaintances--and not all acquaintances make that leap. So putting lots of irons into your fire prevents you from over-focusing on any one person, and this allows for any friendships that will shake out of that to happen organically.

 

Sometimes people can sense when a potential friend feels too invested for their comfort level, and it signals too much 'work.' Those who already have lots of friends may not be willing to take on anything beyond light acquaintances, but they can sense when an acquaintances expects more than that from them. There are all kinds of reasons why diffusing your focus onto lots of interests and people can make you less of a risk for those who aren't looking for accountability to someone they barely know.

 

I think we discussed keeping a light touch. Anything that comes off as an attempt to insta-bond into a bestie is likely to push away most healthy people as too heavy handed. Most people don't 'need' more accountability in their lives and will protect their privacy. So anyone who comes along and starts projecting even unspoken 'shoulds' onto them is a red flag rather than a desirable acquaintance.

 

Consider additional interests to explore, and allow acquaintances to grow from your shared exposure to that over time. Head high, this is a challenge for everyone. Avoid coming off as friend-starved, and you'll be considered a safer soul for a shared investment.

 

Hi, Catfeeder-

 

Thanks again. No, that totally makes sense. You’re totally right about the focus and I have a life. It isn’t like I need her to be my friend. The thing is that I have been really hands off with her. I mean, if chatting with her after class for a minute a couple days a week and has put her off then I would say that there is something else going on because I honestly can’t see how she would have picked up a high maintenance vibe from me. That is what has stumped me. I could text but I don’t. I could ask her to do stuff but I don’t. You know? Aside from the mini-convos we have had and I really mean MINI and three not even overly friendly text messages (except on her bday), that is all that has actually transpired. So, yes, I am not pursuing this as a friendship and I’m going to leave it whatever it is but I was hoping it would evolve into more than her saying “let’s hang out” and then her being quite avoidant. There could be a million reasons for it (in the words of Lady Gaga). It isn’t so much HER that I’m triggered by but I guess I get into this loop when someone is inconsistently really warm and friendly of, “Is there something I did that I don’t know about???” That’s pretty much it because in terms of actual friendship, she and I still barely know each other. We walk out of the gym together and talk for a minute or two. That’s pretty much as minuscule as that friendship beginning was.

 

Thank you again though for such great advice, truly. I am doing something new tonight and trying to branch out with my interests. I have so many acquaintances and friendships haven’t evolved from most of them, but I am looking to expand my interests and to do things to cultivate that - not only to make friends but to just expand my world which is already full of varied interests but my social calendar is quite teeny due to my loving to be a home body :-)