I did the breakup, but I want her back

[gf_312]

Help! I need an independent opinion. Ok, first I'll lay out the situation, then I'll describe the inital event.

 

Here's the deal, I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years (below) in mid-December. Beginning of March, I sent her an email saying that I was an idiot and should have talked about what was on my mind; maybe we can meet up and talk about it and see if there is a chance of us. She basically said no, stating that while she misses me, too, "...convince myself that there wasn't something ... wrong with me, I had to make myself close the door on 'us'...".

 

Fast forward, talked socially on the phone for about an hour towards the end of March: idle chit-chat, nothing about 'us' mentioned. 2nd week of April, I email her that I still have her bike, and would she like me to bring it to her? She replies yes, be grateful, yada yada. I just delivered it tonight (due to weather). I took the bike into her apartment for her, gave a hug, and she told me to sit down and chat. After a few mins, I asked if she ate, and then we went out for sushi. Good talk (idle chit-chat), good eye contact. Drove her back to her apartment, got out of the car, gave her a hug, and away I went. What I wanted to do was go for a kiss, but I didn't.

 

 

Now for the details. Ok, I have never been married. She was married for 7 years. We are both 31 now. I met her while she was involved in divorce, but did not put moves on her; I was just being someone to talk to. We started dating about 6 months later.

 

Fast forward 3 years. Around Sept/Oct, I felt our relationship was stagnant. I was having issues nag at me, like the distance between us (est 90 miles). We threw out in discussion many times over the years about compromising a middle ground between us, but I could never seem to pinpoint what middle ground meant to her. First I said middle. She at first said sounded good, for when we decide to settle in together. Later, it wasn't good enough for her commute (I'm lucky that my commute is more flexible, and I like to drive). So then I went to about 5/8, her favor, and she again said it sounded nice, but, again, down the road, it wasn't good enough. Ok, one last try. I was close to 2/3. her favor, and same thing: good, then still not good enough.

 

Another thing that was bugging me, which is what actually started the questioning in Sept, was sex drive. We weren't equals: I want more than once a weekend, and to have fun with it, which the fun she would do, but I had to instigate it. Now we only got to spend weekends together, and, when instigated, she almost always had to go "shave (her) legs, and brush (her) teeth first, then we can..." Talk about a kill joy. Wouldn't you shave on Thurs night or something if you're you KNOW you're going to have sex with someone you love? Ruins the moment, but I never said anything.

 

One last driving issue was for the last several weeks, we stayed in. I like to go out hiking, biking, doing things to keep healthy and have fun. She would go with me, and claims to have enjoyed it, but would also whine a little, almost jokingly, about needing to get up before 9am (and she liked to be in bed around 10pm, which often put a damper on clubbing , hanging late with friends, etc etc). The last couple weeks, I just had the feeling that she didn't want to do anything (she later claimed she was a little depressed and didn't, but would have), and since we only saw each other on weekends, I would forego doing something to be with her.

 

Now there were other good things, too. Obviously, she would do things I wanted to do - great. I looked forward to her nightly calls - they made me warm and fuzzy. I got a real good feeling when I was with her. I often felt happy, yet drained, around her, however. When I went to her place, and walked in the door, it felt like I was going into rest mode, shutting down.

 

Honestly, after I think 2 years, I was looking to "better deal" her. I was hanging out with friends during the week, who had brought single female friends for me to "talk" with. Ok, they were not dates, but I know these nights had blind date innuendos. Of course, I should note, that the longest solid relationship I had before this g/f was 6 months, so maybe I was feeling the pressure? I often wondered if girlfriend lived closer, maybe I wouldn't have these urges, or maybe I would.

 

The breakup happened after we were out to dinner with a few friends. I had been talking with a different friend about my dissatisfaction, and agreed that it seemed like my best interest to break up with her, so all her stuff was in my trunk (except, as you already know, the bike). We went to dinner, where I learned that one couple just got divorced (dated for years, lived together for years, and didn't even make it to their first wedding anniversary), and I realized that was my out - the couple separated because they were 2 different people, and so are we: I like to go out and do stuff, the first thing on her mind is sleep and unwinding. After I followed g/f back to her place, I told her that it wasn't going to work. It hurt both of us. I left her stuff inside her doorway, and left; crying most of the way home, and a few more times over the weekend. Actually, I feel some emotion trying to push through now, but I am fighting it back.

 

So to get back to the point, I miss her, and thought a lot about her. After the last time we spoke, I thought about her for a few days, but for almost a month I didn't. I just started again a little bit the other day; thinking about 'us'. I am wondering if it would be right to persist in trying to get her back, or if it's a mistake like one friend (twice married) says? And, if I am going to pursue further, anybody got tips? My thought is an email stating that I enjoyed dinner & seeing her again, have been thinking a lot about her lately, and then either close with I miss and would like to see again, or get some Broadway tickets and say I would like her to go with me.

 

HELP!

[chai714]

My thought is an email stating that I enjoyed dinner & seeing her again, have been thinking a lot about her lately, and then either close with I miss and would like to see again, or get some Broadway tickets and say I would like her to go with me.

 

The email saying that you enjoyed dinner and seeing her again is good. That is a move in her direction. No need to tell her you missed her though. Make it short, and see how she responds to that message. If it's positive, you can then call her and get a feel for her. THEN, if it's still positive, ask her to the Broadway show.

[lady00]

the couple separated because they were 2 different people, and so are we.

 

So to get back to the point, I miss her, and thought a lot about her.

 

These two statements struck me the most...the first because you broke up due to having different personalities that didn't work well together (unless both or one of you has changed, this problem will come back again if you reunite). The second statement that you miss her was interesting to me...it is understandable as you had longterm relationship. But missing her isn't a good enough reason to get back together unless you truly feel that the problems you had in the first place have been resolved...have they? If not, then your friend is probably right.

[Snapper]

Often times we don't appreciate what we have until we don't have it anymore.

 

Society tends to be in an "instant gratification" mode and couples don't try as hard to work at their relationships as they use to. If the going gets a little tough people think relationships should be something akin to a version of the Stepford Wives. Life is not like that and relationships take "effort" from both (emphasis added) sides.

 

I suggest that if you really care about this girl you will stop wasting time pondering over it and get busy. Send her something nice like flowers and tell her that you need to talk to her about something that is very important. Then, take her to the beach or someplace nice to walk and have a heart to heart. And what ever you do, be honest about your feelings.

 

Then it will be up to her to let you know if she still has any feelings left for you if you are lucky enough to not have already hurt her beyond repair.

[coolchick]

May i ask what got you thinking about her again that made you want her back?