Is my ex crazy and boderline personality or not?

[lightn]

I begin to wonder if my ex has broderline personality. We we work together and we were dating for 6 months last year. Did meet her parents after 3 months and we were intimiate. EVerybody at work noticed she was all smiles and happy. All of a sudden she broke it off, by her answers of wanting to get a car, house and then a boyfriend, telling me I am always around, feeling pressured by her parents( she still lives at home at age 29) and she does not know how to grow and has issues. When I asked her about all this she just started to scream at me and falling apart while my emotions were under control. When I told her HER LOSS NOT MINE, she just fell apart more and started to cry and scream some more and also after I told her too I was going to return the things that she gave me( I never did).

 

For 3 months there was no contact at all. Then in Nov she broke the no contact and after that she will make the contact in talking to me. It got more frequent in the talking. THen she asked me a favor back in Feb to go with her computer exchange since she felt she was going to be taken advantage of so I did. Then after that she said she will take me car shopping and house shopping when she goes(What the hell is that). She also asked me to do investigation on her ex( had been broken up for 4 years) before she met me. Then this month 2 weeks before her bday she asked me to join her for lunch and I did. Then I asked her to lunch and she accepted. I even asked her to let me know what she is going to do for her Bday and if she would accept my invitation and she would let me know but she never did. During all this time she was parking next to me. When on Monday I noticed she was parking away from me and also never said a word to me even though coming by my desk.

 

So I sent her a Bday card to her house. I did not hear anything. THen I sent her a letter in telling her how I feel and when she is ready that I woud like to date her and if not let me know so I can have closure. Well just 2 days ago I get the BDay card sent back RETURN TO SENDER. I was shocked and pissed. So I talked to her Monday and she said she did and I said Why, and she said I read the other letter that was sent but it is returning it also that me wanting to get back together. I said it is just a bday card. She said she does not want to hear it and I am bothering her and I said OK and hung up.

 

My god I am bothering her because I sent her a bday card. What is wrong with that picture. However I did find out that from an ex coworker who stated that most people saw me and her going together and people where asking about to her and since she is a private person that is the way she is reacting. She wants control but she was looking for a fight when I said OK, she thought I was going to say something more after she said I was bothering her. I mean that is just a slap in the face by doing that. She could have handled it a different way.

 

Most of my firends don;t get that kind of reaction either and it is strange and weird after all me and her was going to lunch.

 

I am hurt and shocked and most of friends said Leave her alone. THe silence will be heard and when I do leave( looking for a new job) this will get to her more and she will seek me out again. ONe of my friend had the same thing happen to him.

 

I mean to me this is almost a classic case of borderline personality. She is real moody and up and down.

 

I am in shock. Why read the letter inside on what it said because she admitted to it and then send it back.

 

Is this girl confused, does not know what she want, and cannot handle a good relationship? I guess she will find out the hard way one of these days.

 

Please help.

Tom

[honeyspur]

Even though your post was substantial - there is still quite a lot of detail that needs to be known before giving you an answer on borderline personality.

 

I would rule this out - you are most likely wanting to think this because her behaviour was so bizarre. But bizarre people are everywhere - normal people act bizarre at times and if we catch them at the wrong moments, we could view them as crazy.

Sometimes, our personality triggers someone to act like a nutbar. It doesn't really mean they are crazy. It also doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

 

From what you wrote - it sounds like she gave you closure and you are just not accepting it because she was so wacky. I would really allow that to sink in if I were you and move on.

 

What I think is equally bizarre, is that you are even trying to figure this person out. That you are letting her control your feelings when logically you feel she is a fruitcake. I don't think you need to be angry and nasty about it - thats kind of silly. Hurt, yes. Very understandable.

So in a way, you are trying to combat her bizarre behaviour with bizarre behaviour of you own.

 

My advice is to realize she is very troubled and it's a shame for her because she probably does this to all kinds of people in all kinds of ways.

In the end, she is the loser and not you.

[lightn]

Honeyspur what do you mean about my behavior and how is she controlling my feelings?

 

From your comment it seems that you feel that what she did was right?

She could have it handled a different way. Again what I found it is that the office knew and it got back to her according to a 3rd party that is reliable. Sure the behavior is strange but she should have shown some class and respect. The way I feel it is disrespect.

 

Why not get angry about it. I mean come on would you? Sure I am hurt.

 

Your right about a couple of things that she is troubled and she is losing out.

[honeyspur]

I'm sorry hon, but you are angry and not seeing what I said for what it truly is.

It IS bizarre to get wrapped up in someone who treats you badly.

It IS bizarre to start labeling people as crazy when you and the reliable sources are not actually psychiatrists.

It is bizarre to cling to anger when you could choose to let it go and learn not to get close to people who act so irrationally. P

 

But to add to that, I don't think you are bad, crazy, mean , stupid - any of those things. Obviously you are very intelligent and worthy of respect. You have a clear idea of what you feel is right and wrong and I agree with that idea. Is it possible you are sensitive to her behaviour because you have been treated like this before? Maybe not by a girl, but just somebody in your past?

 

My point was, wanting her to own up to her mistake is understandable, but why are you clinging to that? Why are you letting her behaviour make you angry at all? It's a choice. We are intelligent beings who choose to feel a certain way and I don't understand why someone as smart as you, would choose to be angry instead of just forgetting about her.

 

Please don't feel that I'm trying to make you look bad - I KNOW it is her.

I think you just need to let go of some emotions since it is in your power - not hers.

[lightn]

Well first of all your right I should not have put a label on it. That is my mistake.

The closeness again I never saw this coming from where everything was good till all of a sudden cold feet and acting strange. I mean there was no fights no nothing, she was happy and then to treat me like that with invalid excuses is just wrong. Then go back to contact me after 3 months.

 

As for her behavior your right I am sensitive to her behavior because I know she is depressed also. I used to be that way. I was shocked when you came up with that. So do I understand in some ways but the reaction was out of the blue with the Bday card.

 

Thanks for saying I am smart but I guess I care too much about her that is why and don;t understand. I guess your right I need to let go but it is hard about the emotions.

 

Thanks for understanding.

[annie24]

Hi Tom - I agree a lot with what Honey said. Why are you even trying to figure out her behavior? I don't know if she's clinically nuts, but I think she's put you through enough. I think you should cut your losses and move on. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who can't be so civil as to graciously accept a b-day card?

 

As Shes2smart on here likes to say, "She doesn't have issues - she has a whole subscription!" And... well.... honestly, you may too if you're trying to make sense of her.

 

I am hurt and shocked and most of friends said Leave her alone. THe silence will be heard and when I do leave( looking for a new job) this will get to her more and she will seek me out again. ONe of my friend had the same thing happen to him.

 

But this part of your post concerns me. It seems that you will be moving soon. I think you should just move on when you move. Don't expect her to coming running after you. She may very well do that, but why do you want somone like her holding you back? I think when you move, you should look forward to a new future with a new girl who doesn't act totally different on different days.

 

Time to move on.

[honeyspur]

lightn - wow - what a powerful reality to realize you are similar to her and sympathize. This is amazing and you should pat yourself on the back for it.

 

I think you have a lot of things to realize about yourself. That you are wise enough to not get bogged down by pain and rejection. That you are caring and that is why you are reacting so much to this. And finally, that you would not want someone to just walk out of your life, just because you got angry.

 

You are on the right track - the track to peace.

[lightn]

Annie24- That is funny she has a whole lot of subscription. I never heard of that one before till now.

I know it is time to move on but it is hard and your right acting like a child with the Bday card. That is someting a five year old would do. To me it is mean and cruel and a slap in the face.

 

Honey Spur: Now you see why I react of all this and I am a caring person and understand or at least try to understand but this reaction I don;t understand but also I know making excuses because she probably believed that I said something to my coworkers when in fact all the coworkers saw us together. I guess that probably scared her when people were asking. I know it just hurts and try to make sense of it but I guess it will never make sense.

 

Thank you for saying that I should pat myself on the back. That is why in the first place I believe she was running and she denied it because of getting too close and got scared because it felt too good but a bday card come on. That is a first for me.

 

I just don;t know what to say anymore.

[annie24]

Oh yes - I definitely think you deserve credit for being a very caring and sympathetic person. It really shows that you are good, for being sensitive to her plight.

 

But, you know, even a 5 year old wouldn't return a birthday present or gift!!!

[cleverme123]

Actually some of the things you describe sound like manic depression.

 

Some extreme highs and lows, flipping out sporatically over things. Seeking you out, going from nice to nasty.

 

She almost certainly has some serious issues ones that you can 't fix she needs professional help.

[lightn]

Cleverme123. WOW thanks for the info. How do you know about that? Never thought it could be that but I guess we are not professionals either.

 

She has stated to me before she gets depressed but will not seek help nor be on medication because she does not want to be doped up as she stated.

[cleverme123]

I know because I struggled with it for years and also always denied medications and denied having a problem until I train wrecked my life. Basically everything that could go wrong did. Job hopping, wreckless choices, sleeping too much, severe mood swings. Much better now, it's one of those things that eventually bites you when left untreated. I am much better now!

[lightn]

Actually some of the things you describe sound like manic depression.

 

Wow glad that you could see it coming and got help. I guess she needs to hit rock bottom first before she sees it.

However she has been at this job for 5 years, but now is tired of it. She hardly smiles and she works at the front desk and there has been comments about her the way she is acting. The only time she was happy and glowing when she was dating me. She does not sleep well or also is more tired in the morning and she does not eat a lot either. She is about 5ft 9 and weighs about 107 and she says she is getting fat. She will eat more at night but not much.

 

Your right issues that cannot be fix unless she gets treatment. I guess now I see it, I guess then she will seek me out again and feel that she did not do anything wrong, Correct? and also likes to be in control right?

 

I guess I just have to leave her alone but It is hard to see it and the emotions of it with her.

[cleverme123]

Your absolutely right. She won't feel she has done anything wrong to you.

 

There were so many times I was obnoxiously rude to people but then my feelings got hurt when they wanted nothing to do with me. I use to sleep all the time, some times so much I wouldn't get up to go to work in the morning. When the depression starts to kick in she wil start getting herself in trouble, with friends, work, life in general. It will get out of control and you will see a huge spiral down ward until she hits the bottom and decides she needs help. My boss is actually the one that told me get counseling or you will be fired. It's not fun to watch but on these things its got to happen.

[lightn]

Your absolutely right. She won't feel she has done anything wrong to you.

 

There were so many times I was obnoxiously rude to people but then my feelings got hurt when they wanted nothing to do with me. I use to sleep all the time, some times so much I wouldn't get up to go to work in the morning. When the depression starts to kick in she wil start getting herself in trouble, with friends, work, life in general. It will get out of control and you will see a huge spiral down ward until she hits the bottom and decides she needs help. My boss is actually the one that told me get counseling or you will be fired. It's not fun to watch but on these things its got to happen.

 

Well she has been at this job for 5 years but now starting to hate it. SHe does not have any friend only girlfriend but she moved away to Italy now. She keeps saying her parents are annoying etc, she also told me that they don;t talk much at dinner with the dad but her mom is a talker. When I was there the dad was a talker and she said that she was surprised that he talked that much.

I do know this I bet she will see me as evil right now? Right. I know now even though she is skinny she says she is getting fat. Her self image now is effecting her. What more of a spiral downward is coming? Is she ever going to decide she needs help is the question? She already does not sleep well, and in the morning very tired. I know when she broke up with me in June I could tell she was extremely unhappy and it was effecting her by the way she answered the phone and paging people. NOt only that people were notice a change.

Let me know.

[honeyspur]

I've got to say - I am impressed by your intuition.

You seem to have a firm grasp of what's going on with her. This is a gift.

I think you need to give yourself ANOTHER pat on the back for taking the time to see this with clearer eyes.

 

I know you care for her - but someone as intuitive as you really deserves a woman who is more confident and into you. Then your skills will be fully appreciated.

If you want to be a soft place for this troubled girl to fall, I say keep things platonic and be someone she can open up to without the threat of romance.

You certainly pegged it - she is very scared of getting intense with you and does not have the capability of enjoying herself.

 

I'm thinking the other posters ideas about her being manic depressed could be possible. A good way to deal with it is to educate yourself on manic depression by researching it on the internet. (That is, if you haven't done this already)

[lightn]

Well thank you for your compliment. I appreciate it. Yes, your right I have done the research on it( which you probably knew I would do it) and looked up manic depressive. There are signs of it. As of today I found out through a coworker who I talked to she called her up and asked how is she and she snapped at the person stated she is busy. It was just going to be a work releated question and she snapped at her. Then another coworker was talking to her and she was smiling at her.

 

Yep I figured that she is scared and cannot enjoy herself. Your right I guess when she is out of her mood just be there for her without the pressure of romance. The problem will be is she ever going to enjoy herself or see what a good guy I am?

[Iceman26]

Sorry to hear that happened to you man, my buddy is dating a chick 10 times worse than yours, I barely even hang out with him anymore because I cant stand her, shes a couple of sandwhiches short of a picnic if you know what I mean.

 

Trust me bro she is doing you a favor, stay away from her. There are much better women out there than that, leave it to some poor chump to date a Freddy Krueger inspired nightmare like her.

[cleverme123]

She may one day come to terms that she isn't feeling right. May question sudden outburst of anger. May start to feel guilty that she can't control it. She will lose what ever grip on reality she has and it usually evolves into lying, or making a fake life to get attention. There are any number of ways that it could go. She will start to see one day something isn't right, when she has nothing and no one and nobody wants to talk to her, and she changes jobs like 4 times a year. Believe me it will come.

 

I had a job of 4 years before I up and moved one day without giving notice without telling any one what I was doing. Left the state and all. You do crazy things with this type of depression.

[lightn]

Iceman26

 

So your buddy is dating a chick worse 10 times and you cannot stand her. Why so and what does she do that is worse?

Does your buddy know the reason why you don;t hang out much with him?

 

I will take your comment under advisement about staying away completely.

[lightn]

[quote="cleverme123"

 

Wow that is something 4 years and you up and left. So far she has been there 5 years. but again she is hating the job. As you read my other post she did have an outburst already with one of the coworker.

I guess I can see the lying coming when she said I was bothering her when I sent the Bday card.

 

Your right I guess you do things with depression that you cannot know or do know. I guess eventually she will have to come to terms she is not feeling right and get the help.

 

Was any relationship ruined when you were acting like this?

[Iceman26]

Iceman26

 

So your buddy is dating a chick worse 10 times and you cannot stand her. Why so and what does she do that is worse?

Does your buddy know the reason why you don;t hang out much with him?

 

Well.........

 

Shes manic depressive, bipolar, was abused as a kid, has no family to speak of, has been married twice and is still currently married but separated to a guy in jail, has been in a custody battle for seven years with her first ex husband who is a Jehovahs witness (she is a former witness) because he doesnt like what she teaches their son (games and holidays and all) she is broke, yet parties all the time and cant keep a job to save her life.

 

She has dumped my friend 8 times, and he takes her back or tries to get her back every time she does it. I am sick of it.

 

He knows I think he can do much better, that he can find a nice, stable, mentally sound woman that isnt looking for another daddy for her son to provide for them, that isnt messed up and in serious need of a lobotomy.

 

I dont hang out with him often because I wont keep company with someone like his girlfriend.....even if he marries her. I sat with him too many nights while he cried about everything she would do to him to ever keep company with her again.

[lightn]

Iceman26

 

She is really messed up and that goes back to her childhood etc. Dump your friend 8 times that is alot and he still takes her back. I think by then I would have had enough.

 

My ex has not done that, but who knows. I mean once she gets lonely for a certain period of time I have a feeling she will seek me out again. Just yesterday she snapped at one of my coworkers after she was all smiley to another coworker.

 

I guess once she sees that noone wants to talk to her then she may want to take action and get some help but who knows, she will deny that there is nothing wrong.

Again returning of the bday card is extreme to me and not right and then telling me I am bothering her.

 

Well thanks for your opinion iceman.

[Iceman26]

Yeah I agree that returning a birthday card was extreme, but that shows you what kind of a person you are dealing with there.

 

You are more than welcome.

[cleverme123]

More than one relationship was messed up over this. And it cost me a marriage too. It's very complicated to understand too much for a lot of people