Relapse of pain

[Meowy]

I just feel the need to get things off my chest. Please don't mind if this gets to be long.

 

I broke up with my gf of 4 years at the end of feb. I tried for most of march to get her back and started NC at the beginning of april. I was starting to feel a little better a couple of weeks later, I could laugh again and saw some signs of hope. Well this weekend I had a bad relapse of the pain. I just couldn't see myself without her any more. Today I read a mutual friend of ours web blog and saw she posted on the tag board and I just couldn't take it any more, for the first time in a couple of weeks I broke down and cried again and did a cardinal sin: I emailed her again. I probably should have came here for advice first or just tried to stay as strong as possible but I couldn't help myself!

 

I was her first bf and while she wasn't my first gf if I am completely honest with myself she was the only one I truly loved in the true love, want to spend the rest of my life with sort of way. We had all the same interests, shared just about everything in common and could talk for hours about even the most mundane things.

 

Well our first trouble was 2 years into the relationship. she is originally from Singapore and her fam was moving back and she was going with them. We knew a LDR would be tough but what made it worse was that before she left she cheated on me. She said this new guy was fun and she was finally living her life and that she didn't love me any more.

 

Well after moving back to Singapore after a couple of months she got back with me saying her cheating was the worst thing she ever did in her life and she was sorry, would never do it again etc. She told me that she only said she didn't love me any more so that I would move on. I still loved her and decided everyone deserves a second chance so we got back together and things were perfect again.

 

Last summer I visited her in Singapore despite the fact that I was deathly afraid of flying (am not any more cuz you can't fly from NJ to SIN and still be afraid ) We had a great time and such and a really tearful scene when I had to leave the airport. Being afraid of flying at the time this was the most amazing experience for me and at times during our current breakup one of the hardest things to forget about.

 

Well flashforward to febuarary and all of a sudden she started to talk to me less and less. She was by her own admissions addicted to talking to me. Well it came to an end at the end of feb when she said that it was too painful being in a LDR relatioship with me and that she would rather be lonely than in pain. I tried to get her back the whole month of march. I am completing my PhD this summer, graduating in August so it didn't have to be a LDR for much longer. I was willing to do and live wherever she wanted. Us being together was so close and yet she just didn't accept it. At first she said that it was the pain from the LDR that made us break up, then it was reasons and she didn't want to tell me what they were, finally she said she just broke up with me because she changed. One day she woke up and didn't love me any more and she is finally living her life and is happy.

 

I just don't get it. she also says that she will probably never find another guy who was as nice to her or selfless towards her as I was. I was the only one who ever understood her and I knew her better than she even knew herself but yet she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me any more. She said all this stuff to me before about not having loving me and finally living her life and she didn't mean it before so I thought at first she didn't mean it now. Then I decided to try and move on and it was working until the past couple of days. The pain is so immense again!

 

Thanks for bearing with me...

[marolua]

I can feel your pain, I went through a similar breakup. There is a saying that one of my friends told me those days and I understood what it meant later: Dont be the one in a relationship in which your partner will grow through that relationship. She is growing, and sorry but I think you will never be able to forget her totally. But life goes on, you deserve a better person with whom you will establish a mature relationship

My best

[Meowy]

Thanks for your kindness Marolua. You are probably right that I will never forget about my ex. The important thing is to grow from this experience and I have a little. I have at least learned about myself that I can over come any of my fears and sacrifice in the name of true love.

 

But I might have to disagree when you say that she is growing. I really don't want to dwell on it but she went from loving me to not to loving me to waking up one day and not loving me any longer. I think she is confused and being too lose with her feelings. Maybe she is growing but I don't know *shrugs*.

[heloladies21]

It doesn't matter why she's doing this or how she feels or any of that. The only thing that matters is how you feel and what's good for you. You deserve better than what she had to offer. Put a higher price tag on yourself and go find someone who deserves to be with you. Don't settle for someone who doesn't give a damn about you.

[Meowy]

At times I do think it is time to move on and find someone who cares about me. Of course I had no plans to jump into any relationship for awhile but I was healing and thinking about why she wasn't the one for me.

 

I did everything I possibly could for her while she was more than a little bit selfish. There was things she did that really upset me and I could see that for what they were. I was making progress but now it seems like I'm worse off then at the beginning of the break up. I can understand taking one step forward and one back but this is like I took a few steps forward but I'm back not even good enough to be at the starting line. Is that normal to have a complete relapse???

 

I feel like a total fool for breaking my NC. She did respond to my email and said some really cruel things (or what would appear to be cruel to someone in pain). I just hope next time I can be stronger...