Did he dump me or did I dump hiim first?

[fire marshall]

I was dating a guy for about five months, until it came to a point that there was a lot or conflict and arguing, which he initiated first. So I figured that was his way of saying that he wanted the relationship to end and was doing his best to turn me off and make me leave. I finally left when he yelled at me and said he didn't care what I did, whether I left or not, so I left without telling him, I just made myself invisible to him. After, about a month of distance, I ran into him one day and he was just furious when he saw me, went in a room and I just heard something slam or break. I didn't stick around to find out.

 

Anyways, I wanted to extend an olive branch in hopes that we can be civil to each other, but every time we see each other, he's just nasty to me, won't even look me in the face, walks in another direction or if I say hello he's just saying it forcefully. Everytime I try to talk to him he gets red in the face and just runs somewhere and hide. It's like trying to catch a mouse who wants to find the nearest hole to get in.

 

I want to know, why he's being so mean to me, when he was the one who seemed to be showing signs he didn't want me around. I just figured we needed to part ways, so I jumped ship. By all means I'm quite content to move on, but I was hoping we can at least still be friends.

[RayKay]

Well, I think that you are probably the one that "ended things" in this case. It is normal for couples to have disagreements, and sometimes say things they don't always mean...he may have said what he said because you were threatening to leave in some way, or as he was frustrated. I would say most likely when you left and did not call him for a month that showed him you had called it over, and that you were also expecting him to apologize. All around this is some VERY poor conflit resolution skills.

 

Couples may fight for various things at some point repeatedly if things are not resolved, sometimes the fights are covering up the real issue - but you can't necessarily take fighting as a sign they want you to leave. May I ask both how old you are and how many long term relationships you have had?

 

It was the way it was handled (just leaving without telling him and not calling him...you never respected him enough to tell him you were leaving). I don't blame him for the way he feels. I would not force the friends thing right now....apologize for the way you left and start moving on. Maybe in time you can be friends, but right now he has too much resistance...you can't force someone to be friends even if you want to be after all.

[buzzinjess]

Hey fire marshall, U know I'm going through a similar thing, which I totally dont get either. I was seeing this guy who was really really into me and vice versa then all of a sudden he went really cold he even stopped calling me "gorgeous" and started calling me "mate".

So I called it off with him. Now I work with this guy and have to deal with him regularly but just like your scenario he mostly refuses talk to me, sometimes he acts really angry at me then out of the blue sometimes he'll smile at me and I catch him staring at me. His behaviour is completely inconsistant to the point that our colleagues are noticing it and teasing me about it all.

Just like u I want to at least be civil- I still think he is an awesome person although I've totally given up on any more relationship thoughts as he seems to have issues but its frustrating 'cause I feel I've been misunderstood, and I dont like the fact he treats me like I've done something wrong when he was the one who went all weird in the first place.

U know fire marshall I think people can just be strange sometimes and I've resigned myself to knowing that unless he wants to tell me whats going on in his head- I'm never going to know- and it doesnt seem like hes ever going to do that so to me now he's just that cool somewhat sad guy- who I spent a great few months with?

[DN]

I think in both cases above you jumped the gun. It is always better to talk about things rather than take drastic and pre-emptive action like that.

 

If you want to try again with the relationships, I think both of you should talk to your exes, apologise for breaking up without talking about any problems first and see how they respond. If they won't talk, then e-mail, or write a letter.

[fire marshall]

I've tried to talk to him, but he keeps running from me and I've tried emailing him, but he won't respond. I'll be moving to another country soon, so I was just trying to make amends.

 

For "Ray", we're both in our early twenties, but I haven't been in a really serious relationship, but I have had platonic guyfriends, in the past, not a sexual relationship with them. I would say this is my second serious relationship, but the first was a long one. Him on the other hand, when mentioning females, he never called them girlfriends, but people he dated briefly, which now I wonder why it didn't last. He's very insecure and always needs some self assurance that he's adequate.

[DN]

If you are moving to another country I would advise just letting this go.

 

Did he know you were moving away when the fighting started?

[LostInLA]

it's called "preemptive dumping." lol Seriously...was he initiating the fights to cause you to break up with him? Very possible...this is the method for a lot of guys because they don't have the balls to actually do the dumping. However, his reaction now suggests this might not have been the case. But let's look at the bigger picture here. The guy was initiating multiple fights with you, and you walked away. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Did you tell him why you were leaving? That would have been his cue to say that he didn't want to break up and that you guys should deal with your issues. From your descriptions of his behavior then and now, though, I don't think this guy has any kind of handle on what he's really feeling or how it affects others. That usually means gross immaturity (children think that they are the center of everyone's universe). Ultimately, the reason you dumped is not the issue. You got out for whatever reason and IMO you did the right thing for you. Forget about "being civil" with this dude. Chalk it up to youth and inexperience and move on. Be sure to learn from this, though, and choose future partners more wisely (and you'll do some growing up yourself by taking this route).