Please help me....I am going mad with a crush on another guy

[nicdigby]

I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 years. On paper, he is my ideal man and he has everything I desire in a man, and we have a nice lifestyle. But our sex life has always been shockingly poor; he has always pushed me away which I find humilating and initmacy only happens about once every three months. Even then it's pretty poor quality.

 

For the last year I have been conscious of thinking that maybe this isn't the long-term relationship for me after all, but I am too scared to be on my own after all this time. We have had a couple of rows in this time, and we always end up agreeing the next morning to try again...me because I always end up sobbing in the night, worried about how I'm throwing a 5 year relationship away, and wondering what I have achieved with my life.

 

My boyfriend is kind, generous and perfect marriage/fatherhood material, and now he is talking about buying a house together (we rent right now), and having children together. To my dismay, these ideas, and that of marriage, fill me with worry that I really am not ready and when I look into the future, I feel 'trapped' by this. Marriage feels me with worry, not hapiness. I worry that I would be saying the vows while thinking "this is a sham and it's not going to last". I worry that I am settling for this, because I am too scared to be on my own (which I am). His habits are starting to annoy me a lot, I no longer fancy him, and I look forward to the odd weekends when he goes away with the lads.

 

To add to this, last summer I met a guy who I have what can only be described as a crush and/or obsession with. I adore this guy. I see him about 4 times a week...at work. We have a good friendship, one tinged with flirting and tension. He knows I like him and I know he likes me....but we both know that we are both attached...me much more seriously than he is.

 

But I can't stop thinking about this guy. I think about him every morning when I wake up, every night when I go to sleep, and every day in between. I fantisise about having a relationship with him. I miss him like crazy when he's away, like he is this weekend, when I won't see him for a week. Things happened a few weeks ago and we got intimate...I thought this would put a stop to my feelings but they continue just as strongly.

I tell myself I need to get over him. I tell myself that's he's completely unsuitable, probably interested in sex but not much more, not long-term material at all, and that I shouldn't consider breaking up my relationship for him...and that he might not respond even if I do.

 

My head tells me those sensible things...that I should concentrate on my boyfriend and forget the other guy. But then I think that the other guy is a symptom of a relationship in trouble and that I shouldn't think of accepting marriage etc when I am in love (and I think I am) with another guy...even it that love isn't returned.

 

I consider myself normally sensible but I am at a total loss as to what to do. This has all come to a head in the last week and I think I am going to crack up if I don't talk to someone.

 

I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. I don't want to end up hurt. But what's going on in my head at the moment is driving me to distraction.

 

Has anyone got any advice or experience for me?

[kskm]

I dated someone for 5 years, he was an awesome person, I still think he is an awesome person, but wasn't an awesome boyfriend. Our sex life sucked, but other than that we had been together for so long I felt comfortable and didn't want to throw away something I had worked so hard at. But I had this nagging feeling like I could be with someone that was more "into" me, someone that made time for me, and wanted to have sex with me, initiated it, and someone that wanted to make me happy. So, a year ago I moved out. I didn't say anything until the day before I moved out. We had bought a house together, I had hired a guy to come take just my PERSONAL things out, nothing else. I felt like since I was leaving I needed to get new things. I spoke with him the day before and told him what I was going to do, and why. Even though I really couldn't explain it. After I moved out it was horrible. I missed him so much, he was my BEST friend. I felt alone and unable to have a social life. It's been a year now and I have dated a little during the time. My best advise to you is listen to your heart. I know that you feel like you want to be able to go to Barnes and Noble and pick up a book that tells you what you are supposed to do, and all I can say is that you have to listen to you. What you want.

[MetallicAguy]

Go with your gut feeling, not what your head tells you. Sex is very important (in an adult relationship) if he doesn't want to do it, then if you feel like that your depressed because of that, think about it for at least a week then decide whether you should dump him.

[LostInLA]

Except for the part about your not liking your boyfriend (and I'm fairly certain you don't). Girl, I would get out of my relationship if I were you. I was in the exact same relationship when I was in my 20s -- and I eventually left. I don't think you're in love with your boyfriend and your heart and mind are trying to tell you something. Listen to them! You are developing this intense crush because you want OUT of your present relationship. Women traditionally are burdened with that thing of "try to make it work out" and not wanting to be seen as not being "nice." And if you leave this guy, he is NOT going to think you're very nice. But you know what? You only go around once and I do not think you're happy with your boyfriend. It will be difficult to break away...but I think you should consider it seriously.

[Kaia]

I concur. Try taking a break from your relationship right now and see if you can live without him. it'll hurt you both but you would be living a lie if you stay. At the same time, take a step back with your relationship with your crush too. Often you develop a crush because you're not happy with your current relationship. Do you see everything that you don't like about your bf, you find the opposite in your crush? Either way, it's an emotional time of your life, don't do anything hasty. Take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship with each first, then follow your heart.

[kungfumaster]

Can you guys try fixing the sex problem?? Is it him? Is it you?? Maybe its both of you, but you don't consciously know what the problem is. You should discuss this with him - and be open and listen. Maybe you guys can talk to a couple's counsillor?

 

In any case, take care and good luck.

[nicdigby]

OP here - Things came to a head yesterday and I finished the relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He was so hurt. He said he was going to ask me to marry him. He said he wanted to work things out and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I told him that although I loved him a great deal, I wasn't IN love with him anymore. And I said that the idea of marrying, buying a house together and having children was freaking me out and my gut instinct was that I didn't want it.

 

But now it's the day after. And of course I'm having doubts. I feel terrible. I feel hurt. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears the whole time. I'm thinking that surely trying again is easier than feeling like this...and of course I'm worried about what my life will be like from now on.

 

It just seems ridiculous - I have found a man who wants to make me happy & wants to marry me. And we could have a perfectly good life together....but then I remind myself that our sex life is awful; I don't fancy him anymore, and that I have felt trapped and bored for months. Things could be great for a few weeks, but what about in six months time if I still feel suffocated?

 

And I still have that crush on the other guy too - that's been going on for seven months now and I worry big time about the fact that I can so easily have a massive crush on someone when I have been with my boyf for five years. The poster above was right when they said that this guy is the opposite of all the things I don't like about my boyfriend.

 

I need some advice before it's too late.

[csar26]

You did what was right for you and the hurt that you're experiencing is completely normal. Is it also normal to second guess yourself. You did what I fear to do. I am in a very similar situation. It takes a lot of courage to leave someone that really loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, especially having been together for five years, but you don't stay with him for those reasons. You stay with him because you are in love with him, there is a sense of security about the relationship, and sex/intimacy is there - very important. Without that, you disconnect.

You are better off on your own than stuck in a marriage feeling incomplete. Keep looking ahead...