Why is it that Men almost always have to ask Women out

[thefoot]

Please ladies, if you are interested in a guy just tell him! Almost every guy I know would love it if women would just tell them if they like them or ask them out. Too many females play games and personally it gets frustrating and even childish sometimes. Plus since a lot of men are used to being the one who asks you out they will problably say yes just because you asked THEM out.

[lady00]

I dunno...it's a funny thing. There have been times when I've liked a guy but I refused to ask him out and I would instead give him hints or suggest I want to hang out, but as for actually asking out, I haven't really ever done that. I don't have a good reason though. I think it would be great it girls asked guys out and I'm sure they do sometimes but you're right it seems like its mostly guys that do the asking.

[Nick82087]

your definiately right, you don't know how much I would like to see more girls approaching guys. I know if the girl(namely the one I'm attracted to) asked me out, or even just to get lunch or something, it would make my day

[MetallicAguy]

It's because a lot of the time it seems to me like their afraid of rejection. Women are more afraid of rejection than guys believe it or not.

[tabytha]

They wait for the men so it's not their fault if something goes wrong.

 

Most of them will deny that tho.

 

But either they're soppy romantics or they don't want the responsibility.

 

I asked 3 out of 6 of my relationships, and I really wish i hadn't. Because when things start to go south i can't help but think "you started it hun, you gotta see it through" Kinda like finishing your piano lessons, because you begged your parents to learn but know you know it's would never work (a loose analogy)

 

If a girl makes the effort on a guy it's not a fling (in most, not ALL cases), she means business, but then the risk of the gamble is she's made the wrong choice.... so much easier to let the guy ask you out, and blame him when everything goes wrong. Sad messed up mentality huh?

 

The reason I asked the guys out was they were shy nervous cute little dorks that would never have the confidence to get a girlfriend on their own. And for some reason I'm attracted to that kinda guy. maybe i'm a control freak. But inevitably they can't keep up with my extroverted nature and i regret putting them through that.

 

Hopefully the guy i asked out who I'm seeing now can help me through my control freak issues.

[tiger_lilies]

Some people argue that if the woman initated the asking out, that would set the standard for the rest of the relationship. I was just in a discussion about this with some friends. They said that once the woman is the aggressor, that the man essentially sits back and assumes that the woman will have to take the initative for the new budding relationship.

 

What do you think about that?

[tabytha]

OMG I agree.

 

my boyfriend won't make any decisions! Nothing. Just sits around and does the same old thing everyday. if we want a change I have to initiate it. Want to be intimate, i have to initiate it....

 

it's frustrating.

[Superfreak]

Short answer, girls are dumb Long answer: Well, we all know what guys look for in girls, but from the reverse side, one of the things girls look for in guys is confidence. If a guy doesn't have the confidence to ask her out, I suppose she would consider him an unfit mate. That might be the "evolutionary" type of reason for it at least. Otherwise, there's also still quite a bit of sexism and preaching of traditional "gender roles" in our society, and I suppose that girls are brought up to think that it's the guys job to ask whereas it's the woman's job to do whatever it takes to attract the man.

[Nick82087]

Wow! This is a completely different view from what a male would have thought (myself). Personally, I feel a bit different on the responsibility issue. I think if a girl asked a guy out, it would take responsibility of the guy, but would not change the whole picture of the relationship. This all depends on the individual though. I tend to be a leader, and take control of a situation, so I wouldn't let a girl be burdoned by what you all have been describing. I do think if a girl were to ask a guy out, it should be a person that she knows is attracted to her, so thereforeeee if the relationship fails, it is not all her fault. This all boils down to the fact that men and women think differently

[yahoo2]

Women asking men out ain't gonna happen in big numbers anytime soon, so get used to it, and for pete's sake PAY ATTENTION when women drop hints!

 

Women do ask men out in a sense, just not in the overt way that you want. Look for eye contact, hanging out with you when she could be somewhere else, etc etc. Women seem to find comfort in ambiguity-that is, they're incredibly afraid of appearing desperate, which is what directly asking seems to imply. So, they drop hints, which leaves the clueless guy thinking, "Does she like me or is she just being friendly?"

 

Ambiguity about their apparent level of interest is something they take comfort in. They can always say, "He just wasn't into me and didn't ask me out" when the real reason might be the poor schmoe didn't have a clue she was interested (a lot of guys are interest signal impaired, usually the ones that complain that women never ask for a date). That's how they avoid rejection in their roundabout, slightly devious way. If their interest signals are not picked up by the guy, they can also claim that they weren't all that interested in the fella anyway, just being friendly. Asking for a date is the direct way, and there would be no ambiguity in being turned down. That's why they don't ask.

 

Lean to read signals better, and respond to an opening if you are given one. Don't be the guy that gets "the stare" from women and does not go over and talk them up. The whole point is to determine their interest level, and it doesn't hurt to remember that women want you taking the risks because that's the role they do NOT choose for themselves. If women thought asking for a date was a better deal they would be doing it. They don't. That means as a guy you've got only one option-ask her for a date already!

 

You gotta play the cards you're dealt, and complaining that things are unfair in dating isn't going to get you anywhere. You're a guy, and you gotta do what a guy is supposed to do. The dating field isn't necessarily tilted in your favor. Get used to it, then take steps to take advantage of any signals of interest you are given.

 

Yeah, you can guess wrong sometimes, but if you are waiting for women to directly ask you for a date you're not going to get many dates, even if you are quite attractive.

[wlfpack81]

Girls don't ask guys out b/c they don't want to have to deal w/rejection. They know it sucks so they try to avoid it. Having to the be the one asked lets them keep the power over the whole situation as they have the say so as to whether or not things continue or end right there.

[yahoo2]

One way to look at it is that since you must ask, you ask women who are attractive to you, so at least you are going after what you want. The thing that women give up by always avoiding asking for a date is they have to wait for what they want to happen rather than take direct action. Passivity seems to be the feminine preference. A lot of guys want to be passive too, but action, not passivity, is a male trait (at least, that's how society sees the male role), so time to start showing it.

 

On the flip side of that, like wlfpk said, they can conceal or pretend their interest level in you isn't that high, since you had to play your cards first by asking her for a date and showing interest. That's worst case though. If a girl is into you she'll show you. If you get too many games, bail.

 

In the meantime, ASK! Women like guys who are assertive enough to ask for a date. It means you're confident enough to take risk, something they avoid, so they admire that in men.

 

If you ask and get rejected, you are still free to choose another. Getting over the fear of rejection is a worthwhile exchange for empowering yourself to go after the women you want. Some women aren't worth risking rejection for, but some are.

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

Ya I would hate to be that sort of boyfriend. I don't want to dominate women, but on the other hand, I still want to be the leader in the relationship. All guys should be leaders. Not controlling and not abusive, but they should take the initative.

 

OMG I agree.

 

my boyfriend won't make any decisions! Nothing. Just sits around and does the same old thing everyday. if we want a change I have to initiate it. Want to be intimate, i have to initiate it....

 

it's frustrating.

[thefoot]

wow a lot of replies! anyways I think that it is kind of selfish to do what you said yahoo. A guy puts themselves on the line when all women have to do is sit back and never face rejection,embarrassment ect.!? Now I agree if a guy has the confidence to ask a girl out that says something about him but at the same time guys would like a confident girl too. there is a reason why the girls who flirt with all the guys get more dates. They are more confident and they show it. They are usually a lot more fun because they are outgoing people. at the very least make your hints more obvious because we are not constantly looking for what signals we can get. we miss stuff. There have been so many times where I havent even known someone is interested because they avoid me etc because they are worried about rejection or too nervous or embarrassed.

[Mr.Lowselfconfidence]

personally on this topic i feel like the girls are all self centered and want other people to come up to them so they don't have to strain themselves talking to someone. it really annoys me how they just sit back and if they give hints, they aren't good enough. like eye contact. so what? you make eye contact with a lotta girls. that doesn't mean they all like you. and when they hang around you, it has to be pretty noticeable. it has to be in you face. not just like, walking and stopping for a sec and pretend to do something or something to that extent. it has to be noticeable so that the guy gets the picture. yes this has happened to me. and i think "hmmm...maybe she likes me...naw i bet not...she's not really doing anything different from the other girls. i'm just being an idiot." i really think more girls should try to make an effort at least. hinting...pff...no effort at all...heck i can do that and i have low self confidence. it needs to be more substancial. at least...in my opinion.

[yahoo2]

If you don't think women face rejection and embarrassment you haven't dated many. They do. Ain't so easy for them once they have a guy they want to be with and he keeps running around, or plays his own games. You might think (and maybe I agree) that women have some advantages in how they get dates.

 

But you also have to agree there are plenty of guy jerks out there.

 

You act like all the women out there are 10's and are unapproachable. Has it occurred to you you're paying attention to the wrong chicks? Why don't you go after the girls that are giving you signals and be done with it? Are you even checking to see who is looking at you? It's a big planet. Somewhere on it is a woman that thinks you're cute. You just gotta find her. What's bothering you is these women are doing the social thing better than you are.

 

Problem is, you guys just wanna sulk and complain about it. Actually, most of the meeting and dating stuff with women is fun to do. Hell, all of it should be. You never scoped a bar, seeing who's looking at who? If a woman is interested in you from what she sees, she'll let you catch her looking at you, and hold your gaze for a bit.

 

That means COME AND GET ME.

 

Women give these signals all the time. You recognize them when they happen. Your problem is that you are always trying to read the ambiguity in it.

[Spirits Away]

Thanks for the honesty tabytha & tiger_lilies

[hecka_bekah]

I agree with what yahoo has been pointing out and would like to add something else. Having to go out of my way to get to know a guy gets old and I find my self doing that a lot. I don't mind initiating the first few conversations, but having to do it continually??? I'm just not that aggressive. I think many women are aggressive when showing signs of interest, but are not aggressive enough to do all of the thinking. That goes with anyone. I'm sure men would also get tired of making all of the effort. The point is, both women and men show their passive and aggressive sides through different actions and in different situations. Women tend to aggressive socially whereas men tend to (or at least should) be aggressive when it comes to decision making. That way they both balance each other out and can actually communicate with each other! When one is aggressive, the other is passive. When one is passive, the other is aggressive.

 

I think that it should not go completely one way or another. Women are often afraid to initiate conversations and also ask the guy out because they don't want to look desperate. And most likely, in doing so, they are showing the guy that they are willing to do all the work. What a way to start off a relationship! I'm not saying this only happens to us females. What I'm trying to say is that anyone who has to do all the work to make a relationship happen, shouldn't have to. And from a women's point of view: any girl worth pursuing will be aggressive and also passive in her own female way, so it would be good to try and get a better idea of what that means.

 

In most relationships I've seen the women end up doing all the thinking for the men. And the men wonder why they nag. I haven't really seen the aggressive side in most guys I've met. I end up thinking of more ways of trying to talk to them and then think to myself, 'What are you doing? This isn't you. The confusion has gotten you desperate for an answer!' So I try not to go out of my way to get to know the guy because the chances are its not worth pursuiting. I want both sides to make effort and there's nothing wrong with that.

[hecka_bekah]

*pursuing

[Shajenko]

Ambiguity about their apparent level of interest is something they take comfort in. They can always say, "He just wasn't into me and didn't ask me out" when the real reason might be the poor schmoe didn't have a clue she was interested (a lot of guys are interest signal impaired, usually the ones that complain that women never ask for a date).

 

Wait, you're saying that women are intentionally ambiguous, and it's not HER fault when the guy doesn't read her mind?

 

Sounds like she should own up to her own failures.

[yahoo2]

Yes, I am saying women are intentionally and unintentionally ambiguous. However, ALL their signals are not. Some of them are legitimate, and the more experience you have, the better you can read them. If dating and attraction were an absolute certainty there would be no excitement and challenge in it. Women, consciously or not, know this and that drives their behavior. So why don't you take the time to read signals and take some risks?

 

Here's an example of self delusion:

 

"She's looked at me several times, and held my gaze for a few seconds. Must be something other than interest on her part." Duh! She's looking at you! Why do you feel the need to talk yourself out of a correct conclusion? Girls do not repeatedly look at, nor do they hold the gaze of a guy they are NOT willing to attract.

 

Some interest cues:

 

Standing in close proximity, repeatedly or for long periods of time, coupled with eye contact.

 

"Accidentally" running into her at places other than your normal hangouts, or seeing her with increasing frequency. Interested women will often place themselves in your path, hoping you will strike up a conversation or initiate some other way.

 

If you go over there and she pretends she doesn't know what caused you to come over, that's part of the game. She has to convince herself and her friends that it was you who picked her out, when it was actually the other way around. Yes, you can guess wrong, but is that worth messsing up the times when she WAS trying to get your attention? If you misinterpreted her signal, all you did was talk to her, and that causes no harm. Her response to your conversation will confirm whether you were right in your assessment or not. If she does not respond like you hoped she would, cross her off your list, and go after the next girl that shows you some signals of interest. ONE of them will be right, and you will now have an opportunity.

 

Remember the old line that says that women are not used to being held accountable for their actions? Well, you can hold her accountable by responding to her signals. If you treat every signal as ambiguous, and decide not to respond, then you will be missing out on many invitations.

 

This is the thing you must get over: Women will NOT give you concrete signals like asking you for a date. They figure that is YOUR job. You can moan and complain about it all you want, but they're not going to change their habits just because you object to them or don't think it's fair. Women want to be pursued, and the hard part is learning how to pursue them properly after she has your attention.

 

Since your have no option but to ask for a date, make sure you make it easier on yourself by learning to read women's signals. That way you will ask women who are interested most of the time.

 

Is there some reason you want to go against the wishes of most of the women on the planet? You can't change this, so learn how to do it properly rather than trying to swim upstream. The object of all of this is to meet someone you like, and you aren't going to get any dates waiting for women to ask directly.

 

Get used to it and move on.

[MetallicAguy]

Most women don't ask for dates because it's their "gender role". They are submissive, and not asking for a date in this case is the "submissive part". When WE (talking to guys here) ask women out it's the dominitive thing to do. And women like it better when we get the balls to do it so yeah.

[xcountryprincess]

To be honest i think a lot of girls don't ask guys out because they dont want to seem desperate. It's kinda thought of as "If you cant get him to ask you he doesnt like you that much." Girls can be really cruel to eachoner when i comes to dating, and it almost looks as if ur desperate if you ask out a guy. Its really terrible i know, and i apologize to all the guys out there, but you have to realize its not all about you,lol. Girls dont want to be labeled as desperate or seen to be able to attract a guy.

 

Also, it seems like (well at least with me) once a guy knows you like him he runs a mile.

 

It's like once the chase is over the guy is no longer interested!