11 years of sanity out the window! Help!!!

[smallworld]

I recently moved back to California where I went to college. When I left California, I honestly thought I'd never be back for two reasons:

1. It's a beautiful state, but the cost of living is outrageous.

2. "H" who broke my heart lives here & I never wanted to see him again.

 

From the first day I met "H" I fell hard. Gut instinct told me he wasn't interested, so for 4 years I kept my feelings to myself which wasn't difficult as long as he wasn't dating. We spent a lot of time together and "H" and I became friends. He called me his "best friend", but the truth was it was a very one-sided friendship. I was the love struck girl who was always running around doing little things for him, thinking she was the luckiest girl in the world because he confided in her. And he was the guy who grew up as an only child who sat back and enjoyed all the attention.

 

We became really close the end of junior year and I felt like we were on the precipice of something more when I left for a month long family trip. When I returned I found out he had met a girl and had fallen in love. They'd only been dating for a short while, but it was quickly apparent that she was the one. He never managed to remember my birthday, but now was cooking her dinners, taking her to concerts, and buying her gifts. I went from spending every evening with him, to seeing him once every few weeks. The only times he called me were when he wanted advice about his relationship or he wanted to borrow something so that he could make something for her.

 

When I hinted to him that I had feelings for him, he let me know in no uncertain terms that he didn't feel that way towards me and never would.

 

To protect myself I stopped spending time with him and surrounded myself with other platonic guy friends. One of those friends was "W" a brilliant guy that "H" couldn't stand. Ironically, the more attention "W" paid to me the more "H" would try to get me back into his life. I had no interest in "W" so you can imagine that "H's" newfound attention was like a knife in my gut.

 

A week before graduation, he called and asked if he could talk to me. He said his girlfriend was pressuring him to get married. She's several years older than him and wanted to get pregnant right away. He told me cared for her, but didn't like that the idea that she didn't want to have a career and that he was being pressured by her parents to get married when they'd known each other less than a year. Knowing my feelings for him, I think he expected me to advise him to not get married, but I couldn't do that. I told him if he really loved her and thought this was the woman he should spend the rest of his life with, than the two years he wanted to wait wouldn't really make all that much of a difference and that he needed to get over his fears. He went silent for a few minutes and asked me to promise him that if he got married, I'd be there. I told him I would, but as soon as he left I broke down in tears.

 

A month after our graduation, we were all invited to "H's" wedding reception. I sent a gift but refused to go. Some might say it was immature, but I knew if I went I'd go crazy and I didn't want to be the center of attention amongst our small group of friends who knew every nuance of our relationship.

 

"H" used to be roommates with my husband and is still friends with him to this day. I never officially had a falling out with "H" but we basically never spoke again. Since my husband sent "H" a Christmas card with our contact information, "H" has been emailing every few months and wants to get together. Last week he called for the first time and I freaked when I heard his voice on the answering machine. He thinks I'd be a great friend to his wife and wants me to console her through her third miscarriage. Normally I'm a very compassionate person, but the thought of meeting this woman just makes me nauseous. I'd feel like I was stuck back in 1994 worshipping the ground he walks on all over again. I never want to get that low again.

 

I've wracked my brains for weeks because a part of me feels I should be enough of an adult by now to get past the heartache and meet "H's" family and pretend the whole thing never happened. But the truth is I have absolutely no desire to meet "H." His definition of friendship is very different from mine and I don't feel like being his doormat anymore. And of course I don't want to take the chance that seeing him again might rekindle those useless painful feelings. It took me 4 years of no contact to fall out of love and I'll be dam#ed if I let myself go there again.

 

My husband knows the entire story. He was the one in fact who helped me get over "H." He understands that I don't want to socialize with "H" but still wants to stay friends with him. The problem is we don't know what to tell "H" every time he calls. My husband invited "H" to a see a basketball game, but "H" only seems to want to socialize as couples. When I left California, I honestly thought I'd never see this guy again and wouldn't ever have to deal with the awkwardness of the situation. I don't want him to think I'm being childish, but at the same time I don't want to tell him the real reason why I find the idea of being friends intolerable. I don't want to write him about it either, because I don't want to sacrifice what little dignity & pride I have left.

 

Any advice on how we can tell him the truth without telling him the truth??? Ugh.

[michelemybell]

Hi smallworld,

That is quite a story!!

You were doing so well too! It's hard to get over a heartbreak. It can last for years, sometimes a lifetime. I think you handled everything well, and I dont blame you one bit for not wanting to go to the wedding.

My advice to you is if you really want to leave the past in the past, then be honest again with your husband--That this guy really hurt you at one time and that you feel very uncomfortable around him. Your husband has to understand that.

Then again, sometimes confronting the situation and the person (with confronting, I just mean seeing him once again) might actually make the situation less powerful over you. You may find that you really have no interest left in this person when you actually are around him again.

Be wary though--This guy might want to start something with you. Who knows. Then again, he may just want friends for him and his wife.

If you really think that seeing him again will get you upset or may make you do things that you might regret, then stay away from this man. Just be blunt with your husband.

 

Take care, Michele

[lady00]

We choose our friends for all kinds of reasons, and we also lose them for all sorts of reasons. I think that your friendship with H ended for the right reasons and it makes sense not to have it resume. Bottom line: you don't have to be friends with anyone you don't truly want to be friends with. You have a right to be choosy about who your friends are. He took your friendship and support for granted in the past and you don't have to be there for him anymore...he's proven that he's not worth it. If he asks to hang out, tell him you're busy. He'll get the hint. If your husband wants to hang out with H and his wife, then there's no harm in that, but you don't have to be around...go out with your real friends instead.

[smallworld]

Thanks Michele & Lady00! I had a good cry this afternoon, but reading your posts made me feel loads better. I really needed to hear it was okay not to be his friend again. I got over this guy by convincing myself that he never gave a damn about me, so his recent determination to get together was really throwing me for a loop.

 

OK - Now that I'm sane again. I know there's no way in heck I'm ever seeing this guy again. If I go this nuts over a phone call, I clearly don't have what it takes to get over a meeting.

 

My husband understands completely. The only reason this is even a dilemma is I don't want him to lose "H" as a friend. We've moved every 3-4 years and haven't made many friends since college, so I think it's important to keep the ones we still have. (You never really realize how important friends are to your well-being until you experience a tragedy and realize that no one cares. I saw this myself when I took care of an elderly suicidal in-law this Feb.)

 

When "H" calls, we tell him we're "busy," but I feel so lame doing that, because we're all adults and I'd rather not play any more games. But then the truth is so embarrassing you know? And the thought of him enjoying the idea that I still give a dam# really burns.

 

I don't think I have anything to fear about his intentions. If he'd wanted sex, he had four long years to take advantage of me. I just think he and his wife haven't made very many friends either and have come to realize what they've been missing out on, especially in light of her infertility problems. I'm sure too he misses the "doormat" but that's his problem.

 

Thanks again!!! You're both !!!

[Alabama]

You really have good reasons for not wanting to see this guy after all the years he's treated you. I suggest write him a letter, explaining to him that you don't want to see him and this is the last letter you'll send. It seems this "H" guy is a thorn in your side. Eventually he'll stop I'm sure, after this letter. You're doing great now, so keep it up! Good luck!

[smallworld]

Thanks for the encouragement Alabama! I just have to remember I survived it all these years and I can do it again.

 

The adult side of me thinks I should write the letter, but I know the minute I send it, I'd be obsessing about his reaction or lack thereof. So I think I'll just be a wuss and let my husband tell him I'm not interested or "It's not healthy for her" or "She's got too much on her plate" or some other lame excuse the next time they meet. I haven't responded to any of his attempts to get a hold of me, so I'm sure he'll eventually get it.

 

Since he called, I've been puzzled as to why I still care after all these years. Reading these posts made it clear: It wasn't the rejection that hurt so much (I was expecting it), but the fact that he never acknowledged all the love and support I did give him. His recent assumption that I'm just ready and waiting to counsel his wife, underlined all this for me. I acknowledge that it was my fault for ever putting myself in that position. Believe me - I've definitely learned my lesson!!!

 

Anyway, to all who've made it thus far, thanks for reading all this. I think I'll keep my loopliness to myself now.

[ocrob]

Well, first of all it is nice to hear from someone in my hometown. You now have a husband and should not even give that other guy the time of day. It's not like you stayed good friends and he is just a friend. Your husband sounds like a saint and he needs to know this guy means nothing to you. You need to have NC and never talk to him again. You have a new love in your life and he should not have to worry about anything. He may be understanding, but us guys get jealous. Just know that your man has a certain little bit of insecurity and you should let him know that he is the one and only one!

 

ocrob

[smallworld]

Hi OcRob, Yes my husband is a saint and I thank you for your advice. I don't expect you to understand but at the time I asked this question (APRIL 2005), I was really upset. Feelings are never right or wrong. It's WHAT we do with them that counts. The day we start telling people HOW to feel is the day we stop being a democracy.

 

The "guy" in question I haven't spoken to in 11 years so I think I'm doing quite fine with the NC.