Still no contact from my ex, wondering if I ever mattered at all

[paperbacks]

Thank you again to everyone who has replied to this thread, the kindness of strangers never fails to amaze me. I know that the majority of my issues stem from my lack of self esteem, and I know that a lot of that came from my childhood (I grew up in a fairly chaotic home with an alcoholic mother, and learned at a young age to internalise my feelings as I thought they weren't important, or that voicing them would just add to all the other issues that were going on). I've been going to Al-Anon meetings (it's like AA but for relatives of alcoholics) for a couple of years now and it has helped me a lot, but I feel that this break up has brought up a lot of my issues which I convinced myself I'd dealt with, when in fact I was putting all my effort into my relationship to give me self esteem. I realise now that self esteem has to come from within, and relying on someone/something to fill that void only results in how I'm feeling now. I struggled with my mental health from a young age as a result of my emotionally neglectful childhood, and I think that getting into a relationship so young, and when I was so sad, meant that I used it to hold on to as the only good thing in my life and fuel my self esteem. I feel like a fool for acting in these self-destructive ways, but I know that at the time, I was a child, and I was coping in the best ways I felt that I could. The issue now is that I don't know how to improve my self esteem, or to see myself as anything other than a failure, unloveable, not worthy etc.

[Young mind]

I am also very glad at the support you've got with this post, goes to show you that there is light at the end of this dark stage. I would suggest not to dwell on those issues you have mentioned, I tend to disagree when 'childhood issues/attachment issues' are used as a blanket statement, you could imagine there are as numerous people who had a stable childhood and still went through a difficult breakup by all standards.

Why not ponder on the issues that led to the breakup, your part in it and what you can improve. Humans are always suseptible to change and here is your moment, grab it firmly, and come out strongly. I tell you with all confidence, in a few months of self improvements, you will be a totally different person, meanwhile, hang in there and love yourself