When will it get better

[Idontevenkno]

After breaking up with my bf of 3 years 9 days ago ( I finished with him because he wasn't putting enough in to the relationship and refused to make any changes I've posted earlier the details) last weekend I still feel so sad and can't stop thinking about him and crying.

 

This isn't the first time I've broken up with him for the same reason, it's been 3 or 4 times now and I always miss him so much that I ask him to forgive me. He's stated in the past that this can't keep happening and the time before this refused to take me back until I eventually convinced him to come to my house and broke down in front of him.

 

I was weak and missed him so much that I thought I could look past the issues, I've realised now I can't.

 

We broke up 9 days ago the break up was in person, he cried before he left and sat outside my house in his car texting saying he didn't want to leave and felt devastated.

 

We messaged all that night and the next day, about how much we missed each other and how our days had been talking as if we were still a couple.

 

The next day we text some more and that night I missed him so much I suggested we try and work things out together, he said he was unsure as this keeps happening and after all I'd said during the break up and that night it would just happen again, I replied the next morning and heard nothing from him for the whole day, this made me remember the reasons for the break up and made me feel stronger about sticking to my decision and I felt ok, not upset, I felt empowered and ready to do this.

 

Then the next day he text saying he missed me, I replied saying it would get easier, we got back in to the conversation of why and he kept apologising and saying he hadn't realised what he'd been doing, and that he'd been stubborn etc. I stuck to my word and eventually told him not very politely to go away.

 

I didn't hear from him for 2 days after that and started to regret being so mean, then in the evening I got a message saying that he'd heard I'd hooked up with someone (which I hadn't) I told him I hadn't and he didn't respond, I messaged him again to say that I was finding the break up difficult enough without accusations etc. he said he got the wrong end of the stick and apologised saying he would leave me alone like I asked.

 

I'd been secretly hoping to head from him and ended up sending a message apologising saying I was hurt etc, and still loved him. He sent a message back saying he appreciated it and loved me too. I replied and heard nothing back so left it at that.

 

The next day was the weekend a I really struggled. I ended up messaging him how much I missed him again, we got into a conversation and he said he thought that after our last convo I didn't miss him and was fine..we spoke about it that night and he told me he felt the same and was also really struggling and that I'd made him cry again. I messaged him before bed to say thanks and that I was feeling better now and that the break up was just hitting me now and starting to feel real but that I'd be ok.

 

I messaged him again the next day again telling him how much I was struggling he said that I would be ok and was getting shorter in his messages I could tell he no longer wanted to talk about it, this made me feel worse and I got more and more desperate, I stupidly asked him to come over and when he said no it would be too hard for both of us, I begged, he ignored me so I called him and he ignored that too and said he couldn't talk to me. He got annoyed and said he had to go. I then said we'll tell me you don't love me and that you want me to leave you alone, he said he couldn't say he didn't love me but thought it was best we didn't talk and that he had to go because his head was messed up. In my last message I that I would give him space.

 

That was 2 days ago and we haven't spoken since, yesterday I felt so stupid for begging him when I broke up with him so that he would either change or if he didn't so that I could be happy again.

 

Yesterday I spoke to my friends about it and felt much better, and today I woke up feeling ok but as the day has went on I feel worse and worse. I just don't know what to do, I still feel like I've made a huge mistake and it's all my fault.

 

How do you think he is feeling. Is he done with me, will he ever contact me.

 

I want him back but I want him to change and I want him to come to me.

[and so it goes]

You broke up with him - If he were writing here (saying you ended it) then we would all say "she dumped you, so move on"

 

Maybe you need to start fresh with someone else. Review the reasons you want to split - write them down and then review them every time you are tempted to bring him back into the picture.

 

Oh and your subject line - "when will it get better". It will take awhile, be patient but know that it will get better. 9 days out is still pretty raw.

[singingstick]

This whole thing sounds toxic. There is obviously a big part of yourself that wants the break-up. It's big enough to follow-through on more than one occasion. Perhaps you guys miss each other. That's so normal after a break-up. It feels very bad to be away from someone you've been close to in that way and also natural to feel very sad. You will crave that attention and want it back only to realize that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. You need to just take the pain for a while until it disipates and you feel better. You will get through this.

[bluecastle]

I'm sorry you're in pain, but I suspect that just writing what you wrote triggers a rational little bell in your mind that says: this is not healthy, this just needs to end. What you've described is codependency 101: you're more hooked on each other than in love with each other, it sounds like. Read back over what you wrote. There is very little affection, just a desire for attention. You both want to be wanted, missed. That's human, that's okay. But right now you're using each other as a crutch to get through breaking up with each other, and you know what that is? That's basically just a bad relationship without the label? It's not serving either of you.

 

Let that bell of logic be your guide right now, not your ex. You need to allow yourself real time—not a few hours or a day or two—to feel some serious pain. It is not going to be fun, but you'll survive, and in that survival you'll find a lot of clarity. I just went through this myself from a breakup 7 months ago, and the first three months were a torrent of pain. But I held the reigns—I knew we weren't right—and at this point I can already look back on that as an incredible period of growth. What was once pure pain is now growing pains—you'll get there, if you allow yourself to.